Its two days before your period. The vision swirling in your head of the accident’ that happened while making love penetrates your every thought. You begin to wonder, are my jeans tighter, and am I suddenly hungrier than normal? You see lots of pregnant women every where you go, at the grocery store, hairdresser, walking down the street- Its like they are attracted to you and they all look bloated, uncomfortable and much less than glowing. You contemplate throwing or hiding the at home pregnancy test under the groceries next time you shop and days are spent contemplating life with a new or another child. What will my partner say? What will my parents say? How will I handle being pregnant? Is life as I know it over for good? Finally, you buy it dropping an extensive amount of money to get the latest, greatest and most clear and concise pregnancy test on the market. The choices are numerous. Some show lines, other plus signs while still others talk to you or spell out words’ .There is nothing left to do but gain the courage to actually taking the pregnancy test.
Other women have the complete opposite feelings about taking a pregnancy test. They go a week or 10 days early buying several packages so they can take them over and over again until they finally see what they are looking for. In either case taking a pregnancy test can and does produce a ton of human emotion. From stress to tears to disappointment to elation. Taking a pregnancy test can be the longest 2 minutes of your life.
I can remember my first pregnancy test. Predictable in monthly cycles I was one day late and just knew there must be something wrong. My husband and I had never discussed having children and to be frank, were not expecting to have kids for quite a while. Reading the directions felt like rocket science and I locked myself in the bathroom with the unopened box and sat. I peed into a Dixie cup that had green and yellow flowers on the side. The stick went in and as soon as it did, pink obscured the whitish windows. My heart leaped out of my chest and sweat was pouring down my cheeks (or were they tears?). I likened it to running from the cops in high school during an illegal park party that we were having. I closed my eyes hoping, wondering if the pink would subside. When I looked down and saw two bright and distinct lines I knew what I had already known. How in the hell was I going to tell my husband. How was I going to actually admit to my father that I was having sex? I sat on the toilet crying! I felt the very first round of morning sickness.
Taking another pregnancy test several years later was much different. I wanted another child to add to my home. I had experienced a miscarriage and was almost desperate to be re-included into the mommy club. We had copulated at the exact perfect time of ovulation and I just knew that I had to be pregnant. When I took the test, a professional by this point- I sat down on that same toilet and cried and thanked the Heavens for the two pink lines that I was witnessing. I ran out of the bathroom and waved this urine stick as my husband calls it – in the air showing it to my children and husband as if it were a million dollar lottery ticket. No one could have been happier than me and certainly no one else seemed quite as excited.
Through the years I have taken my share of pregnancy tests. They all seemed to provide an enormous about of emotional fuel. Perhaps too much so! The minute we see those lines we become a mother. The first time around we aren’t as painfully aware exactly what all this means. Ignorant bliss I suppose! As we gain experience and understanding the results of taking a pregnancy test can have a long lasting effect on our in utero relationship with the baby and ourselves. If you don’t want to be pregnant there is guilt for being nervous or upset. If we want to be pregnant there is elation if its positive and huge gut wrenching disappointment if its not. The power of our maternal minds is an incredible mixture of nurturing, pain, nerves and apprehension. When the kids are born that is the one thing that never changes. The roller coaster of emotions!
The last pregnancy I took was 8 months after my husband had a vasectomy and a whopping 7 years after my last child was born. The last thing I thought about was having more kids, enduring another 9 months of pregnancy, gaining incomprehensible weight or suffering through yet another C-Section. I had just finally got all the kids to school and landed the job of my dreams. I bought the test while my older kids (who hate babies) were home with their father. Almost in a fit of shame I hid in my min-van peeing into an empty McDonald’s cup. 8 days late this time! Could it be? My husband would think I cheated on him. Our family would think we were irresponsible and my very own father would be vastly aware once again that his little girl was getting laid. Ugghhhh! Taking the pregnancy test on the side of the road a few miles from my house I never looked at the results. (Perhaps I didn’t have to) I dumped out the cup and drove home. As I pulled in the driveway I glanced over to see those telltale pink lines that can change your life forever. This time tears spilled from my eyes almost unconsciously. What would my kids think? Aren’t I too old for this? Could we sue the urologist who did my husbands vasectomy?
I walked in the house and parked the bottle of wine in the garage, knowing it would be a long while before I could enjoy it again. I didn’t tell a soul, figuring I had plenty of time. I hugged the kids I had waiting at home and spent a few hours on my bed reliving life through old photos. Perhaps one more would not be so bad. Again, motherhood meant giving up some things and putting the wants and needs of my life aside to bring in the greater good. Hmmmmm. This time around would have much less fanfare but obviously this child was somehow meant to be. Even with all the frustration, dread, stress, apprehension, fear, and nerves that I felt taking that last pregnancy test I decided in an instant what her name would be. Gracie! In my heart and soul there had always been room for her and a certain part of me always knew she would come one way or the other. Gracie’ .synonymous with the thanks and gratitude I feel for all my children.