Taking Advantage of the Grandparents

According to a recent Census Bureau statistic, approximately 8 million children in the United States live in the same home as their grandparents. This represents a 78% increase since data was compiled in the 1970s. In fact, due to economic challenges and other factors like teenage pregnancy, parental drug abuse, and neglect, it is becoming increasingly common for grandparents to single-handedly raise, provide childcare for, and financially support their grandchildren. While many situations where grandparents are the primary caregivers stem from negative sociological issues on the part of the parents, there are also countless other grandparents who are always the go-to, on-call babysitters for their grandchildren.

But when does asking grandparents to babysit, fill in, pay for childcare, pick up the kids from school, and chauffeur them to ball practice become a ‘practice in disrespect’? Are you taking advantage of your grandparents?

In July 2010, CBS News ran a segment entitled, “When Granny Becomes Nanny.” This report, which surveyed 10,000 grandparents, revealed that 61% of them care for their grandchildren regularly. This goes beyond hosting sleepovers, weekend visits, and sharing special activities. For many grandparents, it has become a lifestyle where they are responsible for the day-to-day care of their grandchildren.

The report also explored how the downturn in the economy has led to a resurgence of grandparents as general caretakers for their grandchildren. Adult children are not just calling to ask if grandparents can babysit once or twice a month; they are now expecting them to watch the kids several days a week and on weekends. While family togetherness is valuable and close-knit families are proven to raise healthier, better-adjusted children, is it fair to expect a grandparent to take on the role of a parent?

Grandparents have already filled their parental roles by raising their own children. The circle of life should allow them to sit back and enjoy their grandchildren—spoiling them and spending time with them out of sheer pleasure, not necessity. While most grandparents are happy to watch their grandkids for a weekend so that mom and dad can have some time away, is it fair to expect them to do so regularly?

Additionally, 92% of grandparents say they gladly watch their grandchildren without expecting payment for their time or the expenses they incur—such as food and gas. In fact, one common theme among the grandparents in this survey was that they only wanted appreciation. Sadly, only 13% of the grandparents felt they were receiving that appreciation.

Of course, the benefits of having grandparents as part-time caretakers are immense for the family. The childcare is better because the children are in a loving and nurturing environment. The parents are able to work outside the home. Additionally, when your children are with the grandparents, you can enjoy a weekend getaway without worrying about how they are being taken care of. The problem arises, however, when grandparents are taken advantage of.

One way to avoid taking advantage of grandparents is to truly recognize the value of the service they provide. If grandparents begin to feel resentful because their adult children are being selfish and not showing proper respect, the situation could negatively affect the family dynamic. A therapist suggests asking the grandparents these questions before asking for help with the kids:

• Do they want to be reimbursed for the gas, food, and time they spend on the grandchildren? Remember, you would pay a babysitter and reimburse a friend who feeds your child a snack after school every day. Extending that same courtesy to your parents (if they wish) is important.
• How much notice would they like before you ask for their assistance? Nothing is worse than consistently calling ANYONE—especially someone you love—an hour before you need them and expecting them to drop everything to help with your kids. Establish a rule about planning grandparent childcare.

When leaving the kids with grandparents, consider leaving extra clothes, providing snacks or goods, letting them know if the children are sick or not feeling well, and prepping the kids ahead of time. If the children have behavioral issues, consider whether it might be too much for your parents’ age and physical capabilities. If you are leaving them for overnight visits or weekends, try not to burden grandparents with all the driving and transporting. Remember, they are doing you a favor, so make it as easy as possible for them.

It is also important to consider the grandparents’ schedules. While they may love spending time with their grandchildren, it isn’t fair to assume they always want to watch the kids. Stay mindful of their plans and be considerate of their interests.

Additionally, consider that grandparents may not always be honest about how they feel about taking care of your kids all the time. You may not realize their dissatisfaction until another family member (likely a grown sibling) blurts it out during a family meal. If your children are constantly being babysat by Meemaw and Papaw, while your sibling’s kids are not, it could cause familial tension.

Finally, remember that the golden years of grandparenting are something most people look forward to. After raising their own children, grandparents want to be able to spoil their grandchildren without the pressures of parenting and discipline. If your children are with the grandparents so often that discipline becomes necessary, you may be inadvertently spoiling these golden years. Grandparents want to be grandparents, not parents to your children.

Taking advantage of grandparents is a common problem. Just because they don’t speak up doesn’t mean they don’t feel like pawns in your game. The best solution is to handle your childcare needs and family responsibilities professionally, allowing the grandparents to remain just that—grandparents—rather than long-term, short-order babysitters at your beck and call. Just because it might be easier doesn’t always mean it’s the right thing to do.

And whatever you do, always say thank you and let the grandparents know that they are appreciated!