Talking Equality When Raising Sons and Daughters

One of the most common threads of dysfunctional parenting is the inequitable treatment of daughters versus sons. A 1994 study by Adolescence Magazine confirmed that most parents are more protective of their daughters and more permissive with their sons. Similarly, a 2005 study from the University of Washington, which collected data over 30 years, revealed that, despite the passage of time, little has changed when it comes to equally parenting sons and daughters.

Psychologists and sociologists alike have found distinct discrepancies that show parents often raise their daughters differently than their sons. This has led to teenage daughters from all economic levels, social classes, and religions joining the chorus of “This isn’t fair.” Far too often, daughters feel that their brothers are allowed more freedoms, have fewer rules, and are held to lower standards in the household—simply because they are boys.

For example, why should a teenage son have a later curfew than a teenage daughter? Why is it acceptable for a son to date at 15, but not a daughter? Why is it okay for a son to score lower on an exam than a daughter? Why is it considered acceptable “boy” behavior for a high school boy to party with friends, yet the same behavior is not tolerated for a daughter? The list of discrepancies is endless. Sadly, girls often feel the short end of the stick when it comes to the inequity they experience at home.

According to The Washington Post, one of the most common fears of parents with teenage daughters is that their daughter will get pregnant at a young age or while still in high school. Yet, on the same list, this fear ranked 9th when it came to teenage sons. The double standard is clear. For many parents, the decisions they make for their daughters are not the same as those made for their sons—and sadly, many of these decisions stem from fear.

As a society, we often perceive men as stronger and more capable of handling problems or challenges. We give men credit for staying safe in the face of danger. Despite the progress made by the women’s movement, women are still often seen as the underdogs, in need of protection and weaker than men. The problem with this perception is that by holding our daughters to fear-based standards, we restrict their ability to grow confident, capable, and equal to men—not just while living under their parents’ roof, but throughout their lives as well.

When the inequality between daughters and sons at home is so obvious, how can we expect young girls to grow into self-assured women who are capable of handling life’s challenges? The message, though unspoken, seems to suggest that they will always need protection and should be cautious or find someone to take care of them in order to be successful. While the idea of a single woman being able to care for herself in the world without depending on a man is a cornerstone of the 21st century, it’s not a belief widely held by many parents in their homes.

We protect our daughters. We permit our sons.

This type of parenting stunts a girl’s growth, self-confidence, and reinforces the outdated and unpopular belief that she is not equal to men—not now, not ever.

Interestingly, statistics show that teenage boys are more prone to reckless behavior, including higher rates of drug use and car accidents. According to the National Association of Insurance Commissioners, most insurance companies charge twice as much to insure a teenage boy as they do a teenage girl, because teenage boys are twice as likely to be involved in car accidents. Teenage boys are also more likely to engage in violent altercations, commit serious crimes, misuse alcohol, and even commit suicide compared to their female counterparts. Additionally, according to the CDC, teenage boys tend to lose their virginity earlier than girls and are less likely to advocate for safe sex.

While there are certainly gender-specific challenges in raising both daughters and sons, raising daughters out of fear—restricting their world based on outdated beliefs that girls need constant protection—is detrimental. It’s an unhealthy approach for parents. Instead, the energy should be focused on empowering and ensuring that teenage daughters feel valued and capable, regardless of their gender.

Each child should be raised according to their individual needs and personalities. Parents should strive to create a home environment that is not only fair and equal but also does not diminish one child based solely on gender. Parents need to trust that they have raised their children to the best of their ability and that they have instilled values and morals that will guide their children’s choices. When parents trust in their parenting, they trust in their children.