Talking to a spouse about spending can be one of the most uncomfortable conversations you’ll ever have. Money is a touchy subject in many households, and individuals often view their finances as hard-earned tickets to what they want. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for one spouse to deplete the family budget while the other desperately tries to cover unpaid bills.
Approaching the subject is usually best done during calm moments when neither of you is preoccupied with an important event. For example, bringing it up in the car on the way to see the in-laws might not yield the best response. While there may be some arguing, both partners have a valid stake in determining where money is spent.
The first rule is to discuss the issue in a way that doesn’t accuse or put the other on the defensive. Statements like “You’re drowning us” or “We’re going to end up bankrupt because of you” are likely to lead to a heated argument. Instead, suggest that the two of you implement a budget, as it’s clear you’re not on the same financial page. Explain that bills aren’t getting paid on time or that you’re struggling in other areas; this may highlight the need for a discussion about spending habits. However, money funneled into a passionate hobby may not be easily relinquished.
Presenting an honest yet firm assessment of the situation is crucial. In most marriages, money is a shared responsibility, but one spouse may handle finances more responsibly than the other. This doesn’t mean the less responsible spouse has a free pass to jeopardize the household finances. If a basic agreement on finances was never established, now is the time to ask for one—something both of you can live with. Some couples open a separate checking account to allow for discretionary spending, while others create a monthly “frivolous budget” to protect the family bills from late notices and shut-off dates.
The success of the conversation depends partly on how well you communicate and the level of respect you both have for each other. If the spending spouse doesn’t respect the other’s opinion, little can be done except to point out the lack of respect, and in severe cases, suggest therapy.
Once the topic has been approached, it’s up to both of you to agree on a solution. It can be helpful to come to the discussion with an alternative plan in mind while remaining open to ideas the spending spouse may propose. Negotiation and respect for each other’s feelings are essential, even when spending habits are significantly out of control. Naturally, a financial crisis requires an immediate plan with swift implementation.
Sometimes a spouse may simply be unaware of their spending habits. Opening up the conversation can help them realize that the “money tree” stopped growing when they weren’t paying attention. In these cases, the discussion may be smooth, leading to quick resolution and improved communication. However, in other situations, a spouse may use spending as a way to cope with emotional stress, showing little concern for the monthly bank statement. These conversations can be more challenging and may result in rocky agreements and hurt feelings. While money isn’t the most frequently argued topic among American couples, it certainly ranks in the top five.
Discussing spending with your spouse doesn’t have to be a tragic event. Sometimes, opening the conversation can reveal underlying issues, such as feelings of inadequacy compared to neighbors or concerns about providing adequately for the family. In some cases, it could even point to a developing addiction.
It’s important not to jump to conclusions about addiction right away, though some individuals do struggle with spending as an addiction. The rise of online shopping has contributed to this issue, but it’s typically not the first explanation to consider. Addiction becomes a real concern when the spending behavior has been addressed multiple times without change, or when it escalates during stressful periods, often exacerbated by overspending.
When discussing spending with your spouse, the key ingredient is to stay calm. Regardless of how or when you approach the topic, remaining calm and factual can help alleviate much of the emotional stress associated with money.