What’s the deal with married folks and their sensitivity when it comes to talking about sex? If you look at any respectable marital and sex statistics, it’s clear that the bedroom activities of most married couples are less than ideal, with more than half reporting dissatisfaction. This is a conversation that needs to happen. Don’t believe it? Take a look at this article that addresses some sexual statistics and myths.
While couples may talk about sex with their friends, co-workers, or others, they often avoid talking about it with each other. If couples were being honest with one another — and others — they would likely describe their sex lives in much the same way a college football coach does his plays. Even if at first the sex was adventurous and spontaneous, life tends to take over, and you find yourself caught in what could be considered ‘playbook sex.’
Moving Beyond Routine
Playbook sex is essentially when you settle into a routine in your sex life. Sure, there are reasons for it — one of them being boredom and the discomfort of talking to your spouse about sex. Maybe you have children now, and you constantly find yourself looking over your shoulder to see if one of them is about to barge in and ruin your 15 minutes of fun. You may use the excuse of bills, stress, or lack of time. Perhaps one partner isn’t putting as much effort into sex as they did at the beginning, or body image issues after having a baby or gaining weight are at play. You might be so resentful about the unfair split of household duties that your sex drive is suffering. There are countless reasons why marital sex isn’t always as blissful as it’s made out to be. But all that talking to friends, family, renting porn, and trying to get your fix elsewhere won’t do a bit of good when it comes to your spouse. The person you need to be talking to is your partner.
Talking about sex with your partner is not always easy. There’s the underlying worry that you might hurt his or her feelings, or that your spouse isn’t attracted to you anymore. You may also feel conflicted about discussing something that, at its core, should be a shared experience. One piece of advice when it comes to sex is that simply acting on your feelings — trying new things, initiating more, and playing an active role in getting things going sexually again — can help you get over the hump. As Nike famously said, “Just do it!” You might be surprised at how well your efforts to reignite bedroom passion work. And, it’s a lot more fun than sitting around talking about sex. But if for some reason this approach doesn’t work for you, here are a few tips:
- Timing. Nobody really wants to talk about sex in the middle of it. If you’re in the act, you don’t want to stop and ask your partner a question or critique what’s happening. That’s definitely a huge buzzkill. But afterward, when you’re both lying together, you’re likely more relaxed and perhaps more willing to talk. This can be a good time to bring up suggestions or express what you really enjoy in the bedroom. Also, it’s not advisable to talk about sexual issues (or lack thereof) when you’re in an argument. This will only lead to hurt feelings.
- Say What You Mean. If you’re circling around a topic and not getting to the point, your concerns won’t be heard. For example, if you’re disappointed with the lack of oral sex, don’t hint around — be straightforward and ask. After all, this is your spouse. Honesty will get you further and help your partner understand what bothers you.
- Listen. When your partner wants to talk about a sexual issue, it’s easy to feel defensive or like you’re being attacked. Your first natural reaction may be to defend yourself and throw out excuses. Resist this urge and listen from a place that understands your partner is trying to improve your relationship, not hurt you.
- Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions. If your spouse is trying to talk to you about sexual issues, ask clarifying questions. For example, if the issue is that you aren’t having enough sex, ask what “enough” means to them. Talking about sex is a way to solve problems — if you simply get mad, hurt, or angry, the sexual issues will only get worse.
The most essential part of talking about sex with your partner is to make things better. Too many couples are ashamed of their sexual “playbook,” so much so that they turn to strangers or friends to discuss their “issues” rather than the person who can make the biggest difference: their spouse. One of the most important aspects of sexuality in relationships that couples often forget is that sex is not just a physical act, but an emotional and spiritual one as well. If there’s a disconnect in the relationship, it’s sure to show up in the bedroom. Yet, making love and experiencing a truly satisfying sex life can also be extremely healing for other aspects of your marriage.
The time has come for married couples to be honest with one another and stop making excuses for the millions of tiny reasons that they aren’t enjoying their sex life together. After all, this is one part of marriage that should be easy.
