Marriage Advice

Talking to Your Spouse About Sex

What’s the deal with married folks and their sensitivity to talking about sex with one another? If you look at any respectable marital and sex statistics, it is obvious that the bedroom activities of most married couples, with more than half reporting dissatisfaction – is something that should be talked about. Don’t believe it, then take a look at this article which addresses some sexual statistics and myths. ( Do Women Really Hit Their Sexual Prime in their 30’s? )

And while couples may ‘talk about’ it with their friends, co-workers or others – they aren’t talking about it with one another. If couple were being honest with one another – and others, they would likely describe their sex lives in the same fashion as a college football coach does his plays. Even if at first the sex was adventurous and spontaneous – life takes over and you get caught up in what could be considered ‘playbook sex.’

Playbook sex is essentially when you settle into a routine of your sex life. Sure, there are reasons for it – one of those being boredom and discomfort talking to your spouse about sex. It may be that you have children now, and that every few minutes you are looking over your should to see if one of them is about to bust into the room and disrupt your 15 minutes of fun. You may use the excuse of bills, or stress – or of the lack of time. Perhaps one partner is not putting as much into the sex as they were in the beginning, or body image after having a baby or gaining weight plays a role. You might be so resentful about the unfair split of duties around the house that your sex drive is suffering. Essentially, when it comes to reasons why marital sex is not always the bliss it is set up to be, there are endless excuses and reasons. But all of that talking to your friends, family, renting porno’s and trying to get your fix anywhere else isn’t going to do a bit of good when it comes to your spouse. The person you NEED to be talking to is your partner.

Talking about sex with your partner is not always easy. You have the underlying worry that you will hurt his or her feelings. You may be worried that your spouse isn’t attracted to you anymore. You also may feel conflicted about talking about something that should essentially be a verb. One piece of advice when it comes to sex, is that just acting on your feelings – and trying new things out, initiating it more and playing an active role in getting things going sexually again, can help to get you over the hump. In the infamous words of Nike, “Just do it!” You might be surprised how well your efforts to reignite bedroom passion work. And, it’s a heck of a lot more fun than sitting around talking about sex. If for some reason this won’t work for you – then try some of these hints.

  • Timing. Nobody really wants to talk about sex in the middle of sex. If you are in the middle of the act, you don’t want to stop and ask your partner a question or critique what is happening. That’s definitely a huge buzz kill. But in the aftermath, when the two of you are lying together – you are both likely more relaxed and perhaps more willing to talk. This can be a good time to bring up suggestions of things you might like to try, or things that you really enjoy in the bedroom. Also, it is not advisable to talk about your sexual issues (or lack thereof) when the two of you are in an argument. This will essentially lead to hurt feelings.
  • Say what you Mean. If you are running around in circles trying to tell your partner something specific, your concerns WILL NOT be heard. In other words, if you are disappointed with a lack of oral sex, then instead of hinting and beating around the bush – be straightforward and just ask. After all, this is your spouse. Honesty will get you further and will help your partner understand what bothers him or her.
  • Listen. When a partner wants to talk about a sexual issue, it is easy to feel defensive or like you are being attacked. Your first natural reaction is going to be to defend yourself and throw out the infinite excuses. Resist this urge, and listen from a place that realizes your partner wants to make things better in your relationship, not hurt you.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask questions. If your spouse is trying to talk to you about sexual issues, then make sure you ask questions. For instance, if the issue is that the two of you aren’t having it enough – try to be clear on what he or she means by “enough.” Again, it is important to realize that talking about sex with one another is a means of solving problems. If you simply get mad, hurt or become angry – sexual issues will only get worse.

The most essential part about talking about sex with your partner, is to make things better. Far too many couples are ashamed of their sexual ‘playbook,’ so much so – that they turn to strangers and friends to discuss the ‘issues,’ rather than to the person that can make the biggest difference. Perhaps one of the most important aspects of sexuality in relationships that couples often forget is that sex is not just a physical act, but an emotional and spiritual one as well. If there is a disconnect in the relationship, regardless of why – it is sure to show up in the bedroom. And yet, making love to one another and experiencing a truly satisfying sex life can also be extremely healing when it comes to other aspects of your marriage. The time has come for married folks to be honest with another and stop making excuses for the millions of tiny reasons that they aren’t enjoying their sex life together. After all, this is one part of marriage that should be easy.

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