Whether it’s a 10-year-old girl, a 3-year-old boy, or an adult, tantrums are undesirable outbursts of unrestrained anger. During a tantrum, people become self-absorbed and irrational. When it’s your child throwing the tantrum, it can make you want to pull your hair out—especially since they seem to occur at the worst possible moments. Whoever decided to place candy at grocery store registers clearly didn’t have children or lacked compassion for parents struggling to navigate their day without a meltdown.
Some parents face children whose tantrums are so intense that mom and dad spend much of their day bracing for the worst, silently hoping for a smooth day. Other parents laugh, point, or even record these outbursts, thinking they’re adorable. News flash: they’re not! Worse, allowing children to throw tantrums and get their way creates a vicious cycle of behavior that won’t serve them in the real world.
A tantrum is a burst of anger and frustration rooted in a moment of self-righteousness. Children often resort to tantrums because they don’t understand their emotions, feel a loss of control, or lack the ability to express themselves otherwise. Pay attention to when your child has a meltdown. If every evening turns into a “witching hour” that extends beyond colic, there may be triggers making your child feel powerless—perhaps exhaustion or feeling neglected amid a busy household. Children crave attention to thrive, and for many, negative behavior like tantrums gets results. When your child throws a full-blown tantrum, hurling spoons and all, you likely react—and that reaction is exactly what they’re seeking.
Strategies for Managing Tantrums
If you notice a pattern in your child’s tantrums, try to understand their feelings in those moments and identify actions to make things smoother. Many children struggle with transitioning between activities or settings, and being forced to switch without warning can trigger a bad reaction. Preparing them by explaining what’s coming next—within the next hour or so—can reduce frustration and ease transitions. The same applies if tantrums erupt every time you visit the park or grandma’s house. Beforehand, discuss the activity, outline expected behavior, and clearly state the consequences of losing control. When you follow through, you send a direct message that tantrums won’t work.
Tantrums and childhood go hand in hand. They’re a way for children to test boundaries and limits, offering parents an opportunity to support their development. However, you must stay in control. This means not reacting to the tantrum. Don’t feel intimidated or embarrassed by it. If you’re in public and your child is melting down, ignore the judgmental glances and do what’s best for you and your child. Don’t yell, praise, or shame them. Simply state, once, that you won’t engage until they calm down. Then, let them cry, scream, or flail. No child has ever been harmed by a prolonged tantrum. At home, send them to their room or pick them up and close the door. Take a deep breath, put on headphones, and resist the urge to intervene.
Once the storm passes, it’s time for conversation. Help your child find words to describe their feelings and suggest positive ways to react in the future. Praise them when they use these alternatives, reinforcing their self-control. When a tantrum is over, let it go. Don’t dwell on it or carry your own frustration throughout the day. Too many parents hold onto their own silent tantrums due to exasperation. Remember, you’re their example.
How your child handles emotions depends largely on what you allow. If tantrums work and you give in to silence them, you’ll face a lifelong battle and fail to equip your child with self-control, which can have serious consequences as they grow. If tantrums persist, consider discreetly recording one and showing it to your child when they’re calm. Seeing their behavior firsthand can be a powerful lesson, but don’t turn it into a spectacle.
What your child needs most is a parent who remains calm. A tantrum is the opposite of control, and your composure is the perfect antidote to defuse it. By staying unfazed, you project an energy that gradually douses the fire. Your child relies on you to model this stability. The last thing a bad situation needs is an adult losing their temper out of embarrassment, frustration, or exhaustion. In the grand scheme of life, tantrums aren’t as significant as they feel in the moment. Handled properly, they can become minimal and manageable in your life.
