It seems like just yesterday we brought our children home from the hospital, adorned in cute little white onesies with knitted hats. They were easy to hold, a breeze to care for, and they slept most of the day. We walked around like weary-eyed zombies, praying for the day when things would get easier. And then they did! Now we stand in the grocery store line or at the local McDonald’s playland, trying to contain a child and praying from the deepest part of ourselves that we don’t end up having to drag a screaming, kicking, red-faced child to the car, all while bearing the judgmental glares from other parents. Oh yes, with the terrible twos and beyond come tantrums—and lots of them. It’s hard to believe that a 30-pound kid who was sweet and loving just a month ago has turned into a devilish human that we dread leaving the house with. But for many parents, that is exactly what happens.
It is estimated that as many as 83% of all children begin to throw temper tantrums or show defiance around the age of 2, some earlier and some later. As embarrassing as they may be for parents, they are, for the most part, normal and harmless (except to us). Leading child behavioral physicians believe that tantrums are the result of deep-seated emotional issues that can stem from feelings of hurt, neglect, sibling rivalry, lack of love from either parent, inconsistent discipline at home, family issues, and a plethora of other psychological malfunctions from the family core. As a parent, I think it’s safe to surmise that probably 90% of all tantrums are a result of being spoiled; hungry, overtired, or overstimulated; the inability to communicate their thoughts into words; and, probably even more relevant, the profound knowledge of cause and effect. By age 2, toddlers know that if they do something, something else will happen. They’ve learned the core principles of quantum physics and they’re implementing them with passion. Thus, the tantrum!
Dealing with Tantrums in Public
When your child is in the midst of a full-blown tantrum, it’s embarrassing. Most of the time, we give in just to get them to be quiet so that we can leave public spaces unscathed. Of course, this just further emphasizes the cause and effect theory, and now they know that every time they want the candy, ball, or lint roller conveniently located in the checkout line (which I will never understand), all they have to do is scream loud enough, and they’ll get it. Heads up, parents—there’s no need to be embarrassed. Any of the other people in the store who are staring at you are just thankful that it’s you and not them. Sure, the judgmental glares should be out of pity, but in reality, they’re out of relief. So, the question then becomes: is it best to ignore the tantrum?
Child psychologists overwhelmingly say that we shouldn’t ignore the tantrum, but we definitely shouldn’t meet anger with anger. We’ve all witnessed parents, red-faced themselves, making idle threats in the midst of a public tantrum, hoping to invoke just enough fear to get the child to stop. What a parent should do is let the child know that we understand they are unhappy (obvious, right?), explain our stance, and then ignore the situation as if it’s no longer happening. When they calm down—and they will—we should reward them for how well they were able to control themselves with our words, not a prize. If the child is very young, just distracting them might do the trick. What we shouldn’t do is give in to their every whim and wish at this crucial moment. Who cares if they scream, yell, kick, or throw themselves on the floor? After all, they’re just small children, and tantrums are something that children do. When other people stare, just smile, walk by, and say little. Never resort to telling your kid, “Everyone is looking at you,” because little kids rarely care. Eventually, they will develop the insight to understand and be self-conscious of causing a spectacle in public, and when that happens, they’ll embarrass you in other ways. Trust me!
Tantrums can be rooted in many things for a child. Although there shouldn’t be excuses for unwanted behavior, we do have to ensure that we’re sending clear signals about our expectations. If we can yell at them for running around in the grocery store, then certainly they see nothing wrong with yelling at us in the same situation. The midst of a tantrum is not the appropriate time to explain discipline or behavior, because it’s as senseless as talking to a drunk person after they’ve had a bottle of whiskey. They won’t care nor remember. When they’ve calmed down on their own, they should be praised for their self-control, and then spoken to calmly about how they behaved and why it was inappropriate. If we’re still raging about it on the car ride home, we’re only making the kids feel even more upset. My vote is also never to just leave the cart full of goods behind to escape the humiliation. Again, we are simply reinforcing cause and effect, and the child will have somehow gotten their way.
Another option for tantrums that can work quite well is to videotape them while they’re having one. Sometimes this will make them more upset in the process, but when you show it to them afterward, they can begin to develop a real sense of their own behavior. They might laugh and giggle as they watch, but they’ll probably be more likely to change when we allow it to be their idea based on their opinion of themselves. This also allows them to take pride in learning self-discipline.
As parents, when we walk by other mothers or fathers who are dealing with a tantrum, we might take note to help with the distraction. I can vividly remember an older man one day offering to help my 3-year-old off the floor and talking to her about butterflies. In an instant, she transformed back into the ‘normal’ child I thought she was. She scurried over to me, hiding under my coat tails, and the episode was over as quickly as it began. We spend a lot of time in competition mode as parents, feeling high and mighty that our kids are better than others. Yet we should all feel a sense of camaraderie and a willingness to help each other when we can. This doesn’t mean we should take matters and discipline into our own hands, but rather offer assistance through kindness. Occasionally, a parent might not like the interruption, but if a kind word about the child’s Handy Manny shoes or the bird flying around the rafters of the store can defuse the tantrum, then it will be looked at kindly. Plus, it’ll go a long way with the karma police the next time you’re out shopping with a cranky kid.
Certainly, there are guidelines for dealing with tantrums, and if you feel sincerely that your child reacts unnecessarily, it’s best to talk to a pediatrician. Anger is a natural part of life and an emotion that everyone feels at some point or another. Kids need an outlet for their anger, and they need to have a sounding board where they can release it and feel safe in doing so. It would be better if it wasn’t in the store or at the playground, but quite possibly the tantrum just means that our child needs a little something extra. We can teach our kids to release anger in ways that will help them manage the tension, and we should never punish or shame a child for being mad. There is a distinct difference between our right to feel something and our right to act it out, and that’s where the tantrum can be a useful learning tool for both us and our children. Tantrums and defiance are natural phases of childhood.
