Nobody likes a tattletale—especially mom and dad! Spend a few days with the kids, and chances are you’ll hear more “he said, she said” than you would from a couple married for 50 years. For whatever reason, probably because they are kids, children feel the need to report every whistle, sneeze, and fart of their siblings—either hoping that their little sister will get in trouble or just wanting to feel like an important part of the family. Still, it gets old quickly.
After so much tattling, parents become complacent and start tuning out nearly everything their child says about what someone else is doing. The siblings begin getting into trouble, and in a frustrating turn of events, the tattler ends up in hot water, which feels completely unfair. So, what’s the best way for parents to curb the tattletale in their home?
First, recognize that one reason your tattletale is so unrelenting is that they are testing and trying to establish their own justification system. You’ve spent many days teaching them right from wrong in the hopes of helping them develop a moral compass. Now that they have one, anything they perceive as injustice will be reported straight to the nearest authority. They tell you because they want you to know and to step in to correct what they see as wrongdoing. Tattling starts innocently, but soon they realize that when they tell mom what their little brother or sister did, the sibling gets in trouble. Ha, ha! Tattling becomes an effective way to showcase their intelligence and undermine their siblings in front of you. While it’s annoying, you are the one who taught them to do it. Yes, parents are partly responsible for their child being a tattletale.
Many parents constantly reprimand their kids: “Don’t touch that, stay away from this, get off of that, no, no ma’am, don’t hit your sister,” etc. To a child, reporting what others are doing wrong feels no different than emulating your behavior, where you constantly point out their mistakes. If you are the one making and enforcing the rules, your child sees no reason why they can’t join in. Additionally, many parents inadvertently dote on the child who tattles at first. Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Wow, you are so responsible for telling me that?” Of course, you have, thus helping to create your little tattletale. So, how do you get them to stop—or at least realize there’s a difference between telling you that little Jake is reading a book and reporting that little Jake just ate a marble? After all, children can be a great source of information about what goes on in your home when you’re in the bathroom.
First, decide if your tattletale is reporting out of concern or simply to gain attention or prominence over a sibling. If they are tattling because they sense danger or their moral compass is working overtime, then praise them for being responsible. Encouraging this type of tattling ensures they will continue to do so. However, if they are just trying to get someone in trouble, turn the situation around. Ask them if they feel left out or are upset with their friend or sibling. Most young children will admit that mischief is behind their tattling. If that’s the case, help them understand how they would feel if someone did that to them. This approach can often diffuse the situation.
Another reason kids tattle is that they feel overwhelmed by some injustice. When their toy truck is taken away, they might not know how to react. They know the rules but are unsure how to get their toy back without getting in trouble. Instead, they come running to you, exclaiming, “He stole my truck!” with a pointed finger and tear-stained cheeks. In these instances, your job as a parent is to help them learn how to handle the situation independently. Empower them to find the words and behaviors that will help them retrieve their truck from the “bandit.” The easiest way to accomplish this is by mediating between the two children. Help them choose appropriate words and make requests, so next time, they won’t need to rush to you. When they see that this works, they will learn to advocate for themselves instead of resorting to tattling.
If your little tattletale becomes chronically addicted to reporting everything, help them learn to filter what is genuinely important. Advise them, rather than threaten, that misplaced tattles for the sake of malice will not be tolerated and will have consequences. This way, they won’t end up like the boy who cried wolf. While annoying, child development experts say that your little tattletale is showing signs of proper development. They are learning to navigate the world around them and often seek you as a wise counsel when they tattle. Appreciate that your child knows the rules and has a good sense of right and wrong. However, by no means indulge the tattling; otherwise, you might just be creating a monster.