Every parent knows that “please” and “thank you” are the magic words! Around the six-month mark of life, children begin to comprehend simple statements and directions. This is the perfect time to start teaching them to say “thank you” and “please,” which are essential in building good manners. Many people begin with these words by using the sign language version to accommodate a baby’s lack of verbal skills. The key is to incorporate manners into everyday life, so children learn the basics of being polite as if it were simply a normal part of being, rather than something to be rewarded for. This will help raise authentic children, rather than those who merely keep up appearances.
The Role of Parents in Teaching Manners
The world is full of rude adults and children. Manners are not just about saying certain phrases like “please,” “thank you,” “yes ma’am or sir,” “excuse me,” or “I’m sorry.” Teaching children manners is ultimately about teaching them respect for themselves and others. While anyone can say the words they know others want to hear, it’s something entirely different to instill true feelings of gratitude, respect, and generosity in a child. The earlier this starts, the more morally grounded a child will be, which will serve them well as they enter school and throughout life.
To have respect for others, one must first respect themselves. Children need to learn that honesty and integrity are ways of life, not just casual acquaintances. Although this may seem like difficult lessons for a child, the truth is that they are eager to learn them. Toddlers are often seen as egotistical, viewing themselves as the center of the world. They overflow with self-confidence and self-esteem, which should be encouraged and fostered. Once lost, these qualities can take a lifetime to regain. The surprising truth is that toddlers can believe they are the axis of the universe and still use those good feelings to extend kindness to others through manners. Certainly, it is vital to point out that they can’t always be first in line or get everything they want at the moment they want it.
A key part of teaching manners to children, without shaming them, is to make them aware of how good it feels to be respectful of others. They will feel pride when they let another child go in front of them. Instead of pointing out negative behavior, praise should go to what they did right.
Another important aspect of teaching children manners is explaining that being polite, courteous, and respectful doesn’t mean letting others walk all over them. Smothering their voice is not the goal. Gone are the days when children were expected to be seen and not heard. Just because a child says something distasteful to the adults in their life, it doesn’t mean they are being rude. In fact, they are simply being honest and true to their feelings. Allowing them to speak up will make them less likely to yell or act out. Giving them an outlet for their feelings, especially at home, will reduce their frustration when interacting with others. When children feel that their feelings are important, their actions, words, and reactions can be used as the building blocks of great manners. While a quiet, politically correct child may seem like a delight at home or in the classroom, there is often a great deal of resentment brewing beneath the surface. Part of teaching manners is allowing a child to express themselves honestly, say what they mean, and do so without using negative tactics. This fosters an environment where they feel respected and are much more likely to respect others.
One of the most significant influences on a child’s manners is what they observe in their parents. If dad lashes out at the grocery store clerk or if mom acts self-righteous and unreasonable, without showing proper manners in return, a powerful lesson is being learned. You can bet your last dollar that your child is learning how to pretend to be polite, rather than feeling manners as part of their being. Children are quick to notice when parents pretend to be respectful without meaning it. If you say “thank you,” smile graciously, and then complain about the experience in front of your child, you’re teaching them how to lie to themselves and others. The message being sent is: “It’s okay to say one thing and mean another,” and that true manners on the inside are not that important.
There’s nothing more disturbing than an apology that’s not sincere. When “I’m sorry” or “Excuse me” are said through gritted teeth, as though they taste sour, the lesson in manners is lost. A child should use their manners because they want to and because they truly mean it. They should embrace manners because they understand that the world will reward them for showing respect, both inwardly and outwardly. Children should enjoy using manners because it boosts their confidence and teaches them respect in many aspects of their lives.
Teaching children manners is not as difficult as it may seem. When it’s lived authentically, it’s passed on as easily as eye color. By using a child’s internal system of feelings as a guide to teaching manners, it becomes second nature, fostering authenticity and supporting a successful life.
