No parent wants to see their child pushed around by others, nor do they want their child to become the playground bully, bossing other kids around. The best defense against your child becoming a target of stronger-willed children is teaching them how to stand up for themselves. These are skills that are often learned at home, lovingly taught by parents from a very young age.
Many children have naturally laid-back and submissive personalities. They don’t want to cause a spectacle and will often make a beeline in the opposite direction at the first hint of trouble. When another child tries to take their toy or cut in line, they will usually step back, allowing the more aggressive child to have their way. While this behavior isn’t always a bad thing, children who make a habit of it will eventually be targeted by bullies and taken advantage of by other children. Research on bullying shows that bullies tend to choose their victims wisely and rarely target children who stand up for themselves early on. The tricky part is teaching children to stand up for themselves while still allowing them to remain conscientious and compassionate toward others.
Empowering Your Child with Confidence
As soon as your child is able to verbalize or act out their feelings, they can begin learning to stand up for what they believe is right or wrong. Parents should not discourage children from expressing anger or frustration. Instead, help them find tools to redirect those emotions into productive, solution-based techniques. If you notice that your child feels cheated or slighted—whether by you, a sibling, or others—try not to chastise them for being angry. Instead, guide them to find both words and positive actions to turn the situation around.
By starting this process when your child is young, they’ll learn that their feelings are valid and important. As long as they act responsibly, they can achieve amicable results. Remember, anger, frustration, and heated emotions are often indicators that something is wrong or doesn’t feel right. Instead of trying to keep your child continually level-headed and peace-oriented, teach them to use their feelings as a signal to guide their intuition about what they should do next.
By elementary school, most children have a solid internal sense of what is right and wrong. They begin to understand that rules exist to ensure fairness. Parents should encourage children to speak for themselves at this stage, rather than immediately running to a teacher or authority figure (a “tattletale”). Empower them with strong, assertive communication skills. Role-playing at home, where you act as the aggressor, can help them practice using a firm—but not angry—voice to command respect and stand up for themselves. Teach them that they shouldn’t resort to hitting, pushing, or violence but instead express themselves in a manner that is true to how they feel.
Teaching Compassion Alongside Assertiveness
Bullying experts also recommend teaching children compassion for the bully. Life is full of bullies, and even adults have to deal with them regularly. However, the bully is often someone who is suffering from emotional problems and a general feeling of not being understood. When your child understands that the bully is acting out of pain, and not because they’re inherently bad, they’ll feel more confident standing up to them. The bully-victim relationship cannot exist if your child refuses to engage in it. In fact, studies have shown that both the bully and the victim gain something from their relationship. When your child stops participating in that dynamic, the cycle is broken.
Many children tolerate bullies because they don’t know it’s okay to stand up for themselves. This is the fundamental reason why teaching children to stand up for themselves is one of the most important things you can do.
Allowing Your Child to Voice Their Feelings
Think about how you react when your child stands up to you. If you immediately punish or discipline them for asserting themselves, you’re teaching them that this behavior is not allowed. Of course, children should be respectful of adults, but keep in mind that there are many adults in this world who will take advantage of a weak-spirited child. The most important lesson for a child to learn is that if something doesn’t feel right, or if it angers or hurts them, they should be able to express their feelings confidently.
Children who are taught to be confident and assertive are rarely targeted by bullies more than once. Teaching children to stand up for themselves is key. Ensure your child understands they don’t need to be mean-spirited or hurtful in order to assert themselves. If they are taught to express themselves respectfully, they will learn to stand up for what they believe in without becoming a bully themselves. Validate their feelings and emotions with compassion, and encourage open dialogue.
Give your child the tools of self-empowerment to show them that their thoughts and feelings matter at home and in life. Too often, parents want their children to be the sweetest, most well-liked kids in the class. However, children can be sweet, self-confident, assertive, and respectful—only if they first learn to respect themselves and their emotions.
