“What is wrong with these kids today?” A common phrase typically stated by people who are frustrated with the apparent lack of values expressed by neighborhood teenagers. That question doesn’t need a lot of clarification. Teenagers in trouble is an across-the-board, multi-socioeconomic problem that people of all ages find frustrating and intolerable. We are naturally quick to blame the parents and believe that the “good” parents don’t have kids running amok in the streets wreaking havoc.
They do. “Good” parents who raised “good” kids still face issues of values just as often as other parents. It’s an education that nearly every teenager lacks for at least part of their adolescent glory. Values do not come in a box. They are learned over time, and often, in order to truly internalize them, a teenager has to make a mistake before stepping back and looking at themselves—who they are, and what they want to stand for.
We were all teenagers once. We were all told not to drink, smoke, or inhale. Most of us at least tried to listen. Some listened to at least one or two of the three basics. But nearly all of us made at least one infraction before determining whether we were going to listen or not. Why did we do this? Because we were teenagers out to form our own identities and determine for ourselves what was acceptable and what was truly unacceptable.
People thirty and over really did grow up in a different world, with a lot less pressure than kids face today. It’s unfortunate, but it’s true. Kids today are out there fending too much for themselves and are left to their own devices far too often. We all want to believe the best about our children, but we have to temper that with reason. Not everything they do out there in the big cold world is something we would approve of—and being fully aware of this, they don’t do it in our presence.
Sometimes a teenager has to step back from their own situation to realize their behavior is unacceptable. It may happen while they observe their friends exhibiting the same behavior they’ve demonstrated, and suddenly they have the epiphany that the behavior is really uncool. Sometimes they have to realize the reactions of the people around them. Unfortunately, sometimes they have to experience a negative or traumatic incident to understand that their behavior is contributing in some way to the downfall of society.
Setting Boundaries and Teaching Values
Does this mean we should stop giving our kids limits and let them run amok until they learn all these lessons for themselves? Of course not. It means that we have to strongly encourage them to do the right thing and hope and pray they are listening enough to recognize when they are on the brink of making a serious error in judgment.
Setting strong examples is a vital part of teaching strong values. It’s beneficial for kids to hear about how you made a difficult decision at work that day, how you stopped to help a stranded older woman who ran out of gas along the highway, or how you were very angry at a friend, but despite your momentary reaction, you decided the friendship was more important than the infraction and talked it out. Let them peek into your adult life. Let them peek into your young adult life when you made decisions, like not having sex because you didn’t care for the other individual, or how hard it was not to drink at a party but you knew your friends would need a ride home.
Sharing both past and present examples of strong behavior is just as important as talking to your kids about what they should do. Give them scenarios you have to deal with and ask them to help you work through them to find the right decision. It’s not only a lesson in values, but it also sends the message that their thoughts are important to you.
No matter how stellar a child is, they are bound to make mistakes. Teenagers are reaching an age where punishment isn’t as effective as natural consequences. When a natural consequence follows an action, a teenager is more likely to internalize the causative action. A punishment at this age is just a form of overbearing authority.
Values are difficult to teach because they are subjective. Unlike driving or math, which come with a basic code of understanding, values are unique to each individual, and where each person draws their lines in their personal decisions. You may not always agree with the decisions your child makes, but if they are making those decisions within a good framework of values, then you can rest easy knowing you did something right.
