One day, you’re sailing along the preteen freeway at full speed, convinced that nothing can slow you down from raising the perfect child. Then, suddenly, you hit a major and crippling form of gridlock—a situation you might have prepared for, but never saw coming. At that moment, you’re stuck in the metaphorical traffic that naturally comes with raising a teenager. Teens and Dating. Your little girl has been asked to the movies by a boy. (The shock and horror!) And even though you thought you had the perfect detour already planned—you’re pretty much paralyzed. Should you let her go? Should you stick to your rule of no dating until she’s 16? Should you be mad? Excited? Frightened?
People tell you all the time that when your teen is “ready” for dating, you’ll just know. But the truth is, you won’t. You won’t know if they’re ready. There’s no surefire way to determine if your teen is ready to date, if you’ve said enough to keep them safe, or if they’re mature enough to handle the “might” of going on a date for the first time. Relying on instinct alone is not enough—because no matter how much your instincts tell you that you’ve raised a good kid who is smart and makes good decisions, your heart will not be ready to set them sail on the waves of dating disaster.
So, what’s a parent to do?
The first thing to do is get your head in the right place and refer to your rules. Chances are, the question of whether or not your teen can date has never come up until now. That makes this the perfect time to come up with some rules. For example, if your child is 15 and you believe 16 is a better age to start dating, sit down with them and explain your rules. Also, decide whether or not you’ll allow your child to go on dates with older people who can drive. In other words, create your own dating rulebook! Get with your partner and come up with clear rules that outline the age at which you’ll allow dating, the types of dating you’ll approve, and a curfew. Also, what rules will the “potential date” have to follow? Do you want to meet them first in the presence of your home?
Step two is to sit down with your teen and go over the rules. (Expect a lot of eye rolling and “OMG”s.)
It’s a good idea to write these rules down, because once your son or daughter realizes the opposite sex is attractive, their attention span for everything else will likely vanish. Make sure that the dating rules are tied to any other rules you might want to implement. For example, if your child’s grades are slipping, they’re becoming a behavior problem, or texting too much, you have the right as a parent to revoke any and all dating privileges. (Note the word “privilege” here—dating is a privilege, not a right!)
The next step is the hardest of them all: doing your best to put off dating for as long as possible. The reality is that your teen has their whole lifetime ahead of them to date and find romance. The teenage years are confusing enough, and dating can complicate that even further. Encourage your teen to focus on activities that will help them grow and improve themselves—things that don’t involve mingling with the opposite sex. The longer you can keep them from becoming “boy crazy” or “girl crazy,” the longer they can focus on schoolwork or sports. Dating for teens can be a huge distraction and might be the fork in the road where things go awry, especially if they haven’t developed a good sense of character when it comes to judging others.
While a full-on date to a movie or dinner may not be the best option, allowing your teen to have supervised dates at home is a good alternative. This promotes your teen’s continued honesty and shows them that you’re willing to compromise to make them happy. (Think back to when you were a teen and felt like your world was going to end if your parents didn’t let you do something you really wanted to do.) If the person who’s caught their eye really wants to see your son or daughter, they shouldn’t mind coming over to meet the family. When they do, make sure you’re kind and welcoming. Avoid embarrassing your child, and remind them (and the date) that, even if you like the other teen, the rules still apply. This is a great way to weed out those teenage boys or girls who may be looking to take advantage of your child.
If you haven’t done so already, now is a good time to have an honest—and yes, possibly embarrassing—conversation with your sons and daughters about sex. You might be surprised to learn how much more they know about this topic than you think. This is your opportunity to find out. Be sure to also make your moral values clear and throw out some hypothetical situations to see how your child would respond if they encountered such situations. This conversation can be difficult because it requires YOU to be open and honest, but it’s essential to keep talking, even if your teen rolls their eyes or gets distracted by their phone. The truth is, they are listening.
And beyond that, pray. For yourself and your child. Have faith that you’ve raised a good kid. And hope that, over time, this part of raising a teen will get a little easier. (It won’t, but there’s always hope!)
