In living rooms across the world, two people are scratching their heads, noticing receding hairlines and wrinkles, wondering what in the world they were thinking. They don’t have the money to go out, and staying in means more of the same old routine—kids, bills, hot dogs for dinner, and reruns on television. Rent a few movies to try to bring date night back, and they’ll quickly be replaced by the kids’ favorite flicks. So now, instead of popping popcorn, splitting a bottle of wine (or two), and snuggling on the couch in a dark room with the scariest of horror flicks, these two people are getting last-minute chores done while the kids sit fully entertained in the living room, eating their popcorn and toasting Kool-Aid. So, tell me again, why did we get married?
The Dream vs. Reality
The dream always starts out the same: the house, the jobs, the children. Plenty of money, with nothing pressing like past-due laundry, homework, or a yard to take care of. Life is grand. You and your friends can all go out as couples, closing down nightclubs and eating breakfast at 4 a.m. in some local dive that serves eggs to chase away the hangover. Vacations weren’t planned; they resulted from that spontaneous “let’s get out of here” feeling. Throw a few things in a bag, and you’re gone. Then the dream transforms into the fairy tale of having children and a new, bigger house. In the beginning of parenthood, it doesn’t matter that couple time is obsolete. But before you know it, you’re both 45 years old, struggling to keep your careers alive and trying even harder to stay awake longer than the kids do, just to get a break. “From Peter to pay Paul” becomes the norm, and those days of flying by the seat of your pants are long gone.
So, what is it all about? When we are young, in our teens, we can’t wait to grow up. We push and bend all the age-appropriate rules just to achieve adulthood. Soon our fake IDs are no longer needed, and the bars seem much less exciting. Then, we find ourselves in lives that are far more restrictive than those we had as teens, wishing we could go back to someone doing our laundry, taking care of us, and making our lives easier.
The better part of this phase of life—raising children and questioning why the hell we got married—is spent in overdrive. Inside, the adults are either looking backward or forward to retirement (as if that will change everything). So, the middle becomes the problem. In this middle, we are often the healthiest with the biggest opportunity for happiness. We are privileged with age and blessed with bodies that are still strong; yet our minds are so overwhelmed that we can’t get either of those things to work in our favor. Sex becomes one of those things like fresh milk. We hope to find it in the refrigerator when we need it, pray it isn’t full of lumps or gone sour right when we are thirsty, and that there will always be enough left in the gallon to fill up a simple bowl of cereal. Not too much to ask, right?
Questioning why we got married is not a bad thing. When the routine life we are in is no longer exciting, fulfilling, or enticing, it can be tiring. It can be frustrating to see our lives as the glass half full, and it’s only human nature to tire of eating the same thing for dinner week in and week out. But neither the answer nor the solution is found in the past or lurking in our future. The answer lies in respecting and acknowledging the simple irony of it all.
The more we ask for, the more we get. The more we get in our new lives, the fewer things from the past there are to fit into our lives. As we have less of our past, we lose our comfort zone and scramble backward, feeling resentful and cheated somehow. Sadly, it was just us who asked for this (whatever this is to you) all along. More importantly, the more time we spend in our past—whether mindfully or otherwise—the less present we are in our now. The truth is that it is the right here and now that is absolutely and substantially important.
Not to be cliché, but no one can predict whether tomorrow will come for us or not. Why did you get married, just to endure this life you have? Because you were in love or because you were pregnant? Maybe you felt it was the thing to do and it fit into your image of being a grown-up. Perhaps you thought you were really in love or that marriage would make life complete. Maybe the guy had good hair, and the girl had a nice body. The point is that it doesn’t matter why you got married; what matters is that you did. It also doesn’t matter who you married or when you married. What matters is that you spend your married life rolling with the punches (no matter how bad they hurt) and that you keep yourself in the present moment. That is where life truly thrives.
When you are in the present moment, you can be grateful for the bowl of spilled popcorn on the living room floor with your kids fast asleep halfway through the newest Disney movie. You can be happy that all your bills were paid, even if it left you barely enough to buy your favorite coffee, let alone eat at your favorite restaurant. You can also learn to appreciate the person lying next to you who doesn’t want to have sex all the time, which can feel like more work than anything else after a while. You can also realize that the bad moods of your significant other just prove they are comfortable enough with you to be true to who they really are. You can feel satisfied that life as you knew it has changed, but life as you know it now is better than you ever imagined.
Be realistic: it’s easy to pick out a spouse, get married, and start a life when the world is your oyster. It is something completely different to persevere through this life with the gentle appreciation and often undermined love that exists between the two of you now.
The next time you find yourself wondering why you got married in the first place, do just a few things to survive. First, laugh. Laugh hard, because it really is funny how and how fast things change. Laugh because there is nothing else to do. Secondly, pinch yourself and return to the now. The past has nothing for you, and the future is a crapshoot. Third, remind that person who smells like they need a shower, who steals the covers, and who drives you mad with idiosyncrasies that come straight from the devil that you love them. Remind them that there is no one else in this world you would rather not be eating out with, not dating, not having sex with, and not making ends meet with. Then laugh some more. After all, YOU asked for it.
