You and your bestie have been the best of friends for 13 years. You’ve been through everything together—through the proverbial hell and back. And now, suddenly, after all these years, they’re dating someone you cannot stand. The mere sight of him or her makes your skin crawl, and you wonder what on earth your best friend sees in this person.
Of course, since your best friend is so in love with their new beau and constantly sings their praises, while you’re silently thinking of ways to off this person without going to jail, it becomes harder and harder to hide your annoyance. The last thing you want to do is ruin your friendship by admitting, “I hate your boyfriend/girlfriend,” but the truth is, you’re not sure how many more movie nights you can take as the third wheel on a bicycle built for two.
So what should you do? Wait it out and hope your friend comes to their senses? Make your feelings known at the risk of hurting them? End the friendship altogether?
The first thing you need to do is decide whether you really dislike this person, or if you’re just feeling the effects of that green-eyed monster we all know and love called jealousy. It’s perfectly normal to feel a tad jealous—or even left out—when your best friend finds a new love interest. However, if jealousy is driving your inability to like this person, you may need to give the guy (or girl) a second chance. Try setting aside your own feelings for a moment and be happy for your friend. Sometimes, taking a short break from the friendship can help you see things from a new perspective.
It’s also normal to feel threatened when your friend is in a new relationship. You might think they’ve forgotten about you or that they’re spending so much time with their new love that they’ve lost sight of the special bond you two share.
When Concern is More Than Jealousy
Of course, jealousy isn’t always the root cause. Maybe you have valid concerns about your best friend’s new love. Perhaps you see their selfish tendencies, notice flaws that your friend is blind to, or suspect that this person isn’t being genuine. As a loyal friend, it’s natural to want to protect them from potential heartache. From your outside perspective—untainted by the haze of infatuation—you may be more attuned to red flags your friend is ignoring.
The hope, of course, is that with time, your friend will come to see these things on their own. That eventually, the rose-colored glasses will come off, and they’ll recognize that this might not be the person they were hoping for.
Unfortunately, you’re caught between a rock and a hard place. If you voice your true feelings, you risk upsetting your friend and damaging your relationship. Chances are, they’ll be hurt, feel judged, or accuse you of being jealous. It may even spark an argument. But keeping your feelings bottled up could lead to passive-aggressive behavior, snide comments, or avoidance—none of which are healthy for the friendship either.
Many experts recommend doing your best to put on a brave face—unless, of course, there is abuse or truly concerning behavior taking place. Ask yourself: Is this person truly harmful, or are you jumping the gun? If your friend is genuinely happy, then as a good friend, you should try to support that happiness. After all, it’s their relationship to navigate, not yours.
That said, you don’t have to be a constant third wheel. It’s okay to set boundaries. Let your friend know how much you value your time together—just the two of you. Express a desire to maintain your connection outside of their relationship. That way, you’re not forced to constantly endure awkward group hangouts.
Most importantly, your role as a friend is to be a good listener. Sure, your friend might gush endlessly about how amazing their new partner is. And someday, if the relationship falters, they may come to you for comfort. The last thing they need in that moment is an “I told you so.”
We all know that love can cloud judgment, and that emotions have a sneaky way of masking another person’s flaws.
In the end, you can choose your friends—but not the people they fall for. Supporting your friend through both good relationships and bad ones is part of what makes you a great companion. There’s nothing wrong with being honest, but before you blurt out that their partner is a complete jerk, make sure your honesty comes from a genuine place of concern—not one of fear or insecurity. Your words may or may not be welcomed, and only you can decide how honest you can be without putting your friendship at risk.
