Facing the Fear of Divorce: What Holds You Back?
Have you been spending a lot of time thinking about ways to separate from your partner, but are terrified to ask for a divorce? If so, you are not alone.
In fact, many married couples live with the silent realization that their marriage is over, yet they continually ignore the urge to ask for a divorce because of fear. And for those of us on the outside looking in on these relationships, it can be easy to judge and wonder what’s holding them back. Yet, the fear of the unknown can be paralyzing—especially when it comes to something as permanent and life-altering as divorce, which instantly changes your entire life routine. It is this exact fear that keeps so many couples sticking it out or finding other ways to keep themselves happy outside of the marriage. But is it worth it?
Marriage, whether healthy or not, offers a certain sense of “false” security for most people in many aspects of life. One very important sense is financial security. For so many couples, where incomes are imbalanced, one partner is always left feeling married to the paycheck. They may worry about whether they can support themselves or how they will find a place to live and pay the bills when they are on their own.
It is true that divorce can be (and often is) one of the most financially devastating experiences couples face in their lifetime, and the recovery process is slow. But it is possible. Any sane person who understands the importance of fiscal responsibility feels a certain sense of danger involved in divorcing, especially when it comes to providing the basic necessities of food and shelter. If the couple has children, the fear of not being able to provide for them can make the fear of asking for a divorce even more intense.
The Fear of Divorce and Its Impact on Children
Obviously, another huge reason so many people are terrified to ask for a divorce is the fear of what will happen to their children. Every married couple has witnessed the familial separation and turmoil that often accompanies divorce. Sharing custody of the kids is the ultimate nightmare for many couples, and custody battles, which can be prolonged and ugly, are often avoided by staying in the marriage, at least until the kids are old enough to make their own decisions about custody. For many parents, losing the stability of family life and becoming a single parent can make them feel as though asking for a divorce is a selfish act.
Compounding these issues are the million other concerns that seem to coincide with marital relationships. The fear of making a change can be enough to keep even the most intelligent person from asking for a divorce. You might worry about what others will think, about being seen as a failure, about money, children, how it will affect your employment (or lack thereof), and what your future will look like. You may fear being alone, worry about a life without “love,” or even secretly wonder if your desire for a divorce is unfounded or silly. (After all, things aren’t bad all the time!) The truth is, even though you may spend years contemplating divorce, you may never be able to overcome the hurdle of fear and actually take action. For others involved with abusive partners, the fear may be more primal—based on survival. For these individuals, who know the relationship is wrong, the fear is rooted in the belief that they, their children, or even their partner may be gravely hurt if they ever voice their desire to divorce.
The question is, if fear is what is keeping you from asking for a divorce, what can you do about it?
The most important thing to recognize, and the first step in overcoming your fear, is that divorce—even when it leads to a positive outcome and a better life for you—is often viewed as something negative. Your own ideals about divorce as being morally wrong, socially unacceptable, or something that will make you powerless (poor, bad parent, selfish, unable to succeed or provide, etc.) are where your fears are rooted. Instead of focusing on the negatives of divorce, begin thinking of the ways it could positively impact your life.
Another good way to overcome the fear is to talk to other people who have gone through a divorce and are now thriving. They will likely tell you that while their lives changed drastically, most will admit that with the weight of an unhappy marriage lifted, they are happier. Even without the nice house, the SUV, and the other perks that marriage might bring, many find that they can be happier divorced than married.
If you are a parent, you may also learn that many couples become better parents after removing themselves from an unhappy marriage. Research backs up the claim that unhappy couples don’t always make the best parents. Consider the fact that your children will often use you and your relationship as a role model for their own relationships later in life. Do you want your children’s marriage to mirror yours?
Sure, custody arrangements will need to be made, and these can be difficult for many couples. However, keeping the best interests of the children in mind is key to navigating through divorce fearlessly. Even if you don’t think your partner will prioritize this, remember that the court system is there to help protect you.
Before asking for a divorce, it’s essential to do some homework—especially if you know your request will be met with resentment. Start exploring your options, find a place to live, and even consider having a consultation with a reputable divorce attorney. Most attorneys will offer a free consultation and can provide valuable information and scenarios you may not have considered. Plus, you’ll gain a realistic picture of what the proceedings and settlement might look like once everything is said and done.
The bottom line is that the more you know, the more prepared you are. The more research you do before asking for a divorce, the easier it will be. Clinging to your fear will likely only result in a lifetime of unhappiness. Yes, it takes courage to ask for a divorce, but in many cases, it is this very courage that will repay you tenfold.
