In 1955, the movie The 7 Year Itch was released, giving some plausibility to the idea that after 7 years of marriage, something psychological sets in and marriages are tested and tired. The feeling of anxiousness, anxiety, or perhaps boredom with marriage after the milestone 7-year mark is common, as the relationship has progressed in many ways. By this point, many couples have started a family, are wading in financial debt, or have become complacent with the relationship to the point that they miss the excitement and passion that come from the newness of a relationship. Additionally, it can take many people around 7 years to realize that the idiosyncrasies and annoying habits of their spouse are too much to bear, which may lead them to begin to have a wandering eye.
The 7-Year Itch and Human Development
Another theory about the 7-year itch stems from research showing that the human body and mind develop in 7-year increments. According to this theory of human development, every 7 years, the body and mind go through major transformational phases. Based on antiquated astrology, this theory suggests that every 7 years or so, people begin to shed new light on their future goals and desires, renewing or rediscovering old passions. Additionally, as humans age, they often begin to realize their mortality, causing them to question their relationships with more scrutiny than before.
Interestingly, a study from Wright State University showed that marriages go through both a 4-year itch and a 7-year itch. The study indicated that “couples often begin their unions with high levels of marital quality, but it appears to decrease twice—once at 4 years and again at 7 years.” Having children seemed to further exacerbate the decline in the quality of their marriages.
Apparently, while there might be some relevance to the 4 and 7-year itches, studies indicate that most people divorce either at the 3-year mark or around the 12-year mark of a marriage. Obviously, some people may start to experience unhappiness and dysfunction in the marriage near these key years but postpone making a definitive decision to divorce for years to come. Perhaps the timing isn’t right, especially if young children are involved, or couples may swallow their unhappiness and try to make do with the marriage, fearing the change more than the complacency of the marriage.
Regardless of what studies suggest or statistics state, there is no real “safe zone” for a marriage. For many couples, the idea of the 7-year itch can be enough to make them start questioning the marriage. And obviously, people change. You aren’t the same person today that you were 7 years ago—or even 3 years ago. In a relationship, when people change, the key is that the couple tries to evolve together rather than apart. This can be a very difficult feat to master. While one person may start envisioning new goals or developing new interests, the other may be completely content with the marriage as it is. It’s nearly impossible for couples to evolve and grow at exactly the same rate.
The key is communication and realizing that your marriage is subject to change for a plethora of reasons. The carefree days of being a newlywed are drastically different from the years when a couple is raising a family. Everything, from financial readiness to sexual relations, can change throughout the course of a marriage. And these changes can rattle the foundation of any (and every) marriage. If couples can recognize these changes coming on and maintain open dialogue, as well as separate but equally satisfying lives, they have a better chance of weathering the inevitable cycles of marriage that are as certain to occur as the tides.
As you approach the 7-year anniversary in your marriage, sit down together and reassess how far the two of you have come. Perhaps focus on new goals together. This way, you can ensure that both of you are seeing eye-to-eye and are uniting your efforts for the future. Instead of being intimidated by the 4- or 7-year itch, use these milestones as times to sit in gratitude and renew the vows you took on your wedding day. It is only natural that the two of you will be completely different people with completely different lives at the 4- and 7-year marks than you were the day you walked down the aisle. Expecting everything to always remain the same—and then feeling disappointed, stuck, or resentful when the marriage takes a new direction—is perhaps one of the biggest marital mistakes you can make.
Marriage is all about change, collaboration, and working together. With clear communication and respect, you can actually reach the 7-year mark with a much healthier marriage than you ever expected!
