“When I was a kid, if I didn’t eat everything on my plate, I just went hungry! Heck, I might not have even been given another meal!”
If that sounds like something you catch yourself saying to your children at the dinner table, chances are you’ve entered the phase of life where you’re constantly fighting the battle of wills—at mealtime and beyond! One side of your parenting ego worries your child isn’t eating enough. The other side wrestles with the frustration of raising such strong-willed brats who don’t seem to do what they’re told. (Really, isn’t that what children are supposed to do? And what entitles them to all these opinions?)
The bottom line is that you want to be able to fix a nice meal, sit down together like the Brady Bunch, and not lose your appetite while watching your child pick through the Brussels sprouts and fling spaghetti sauce from their fork. Then, of course, when you try to make your three-year-old pick it up off the floor (to teach them responsibility), not only does your spouse chime in—or give you the look—but mealtime turns into an emotional fiasco. And the alternative, making cookies for dinner, is not an option. Hmm. What’s a parent to do?
The first step is to look at this “issue” from a developmental standpoint. The terrible twos bring with them a great deal of opinionated behavior from your toddler. Before that, they were fairly easy to please—and even easier to distract. Now, they’re learning they have some control over their lives. They can decide whether they like brushing their teeth, eating broccoli, or going to sleep at a certain time. Developmentally, this is an absolutely necessary phase. They’re beginning to push back boundaries in their favor. Unfortunately, they don’t yet have the knowledge to make healthy choices—that’s your job. The trick is to find a balance that gives your child a sense of control, while still keeping you in charge. And surprisingly, the solution is easier than you think.
Toddlers respond well—even during mealtime battles—to choices. Instead of insisting they do what they’re told, allow them to comply on their own terms. For example, if you’re serving baked chicken, broccoli, and mashed potatoes, give them options. If they’re about to stick broccoli to the underside of the table, calmly tell them they can have dessert if they choose to eat one bite of broccoli. Offer a variety of healthy foods and let them choose what goes on their plate. If all the options are good ones, everyone wins—and your child feels like they had a say in the matter.
Winning the Mealtime Battle with Smart Choices
The same goes for behavior at the table. While modern parenting often frowns on sending a child away hungry, letting them make the choice themselves is key. If they can’t behave or follow instructions, remove their food, cover it, and dismiss them. This isn’t necessarily giving in—it’s simply avoiding unnecessary conflict over something that may not be as important as you think. Here’s why.
Around ages two to three, children don’t need large quantities of food. In fact, most can meet their nutritional needs by grazing on healthy snacks throughout the day. Their stomachs are still small, and eating three full meals a day may not suit their physiology. Forcing a child to eat when they aren’t hungry or to clean their plate goes against our natural instincts. Everyone is born with the ability to sense hunger and fullness. Sadly, many cases of childhood obesity begin when this natural hunger cue is overridden by parents pushing food. Eventually, kids start eating more, eating when they aren’t hungry, and turning to food for emotional reasons.
Believe it or not, kids often instinctively choose foods they need. Just like dogs occasionally chew grass to aid digestion, children tend to gravitate toward what their growing bodies require. This may explain why they want the same foods over and over again. While you want them to expand their palates, sometimes it’s best to let them choose. (There’s that word again: “choose.”) The key is to stock your fridge and pantry with healthy options. That way, even if they’re snacking, they’re still getting nutritional value. If they ask for food an hour or two before dinner, offer two or three acceptable choices instead of simply saying no.
If you want to broaden their food preferences beyond macaroni and cheese, be patient. Truthfully, many adults don’t enjoy a wide range of foods. Cook meals you and your spouse enjoy, and offer your toddler a chance to try them. When you offer food without pressure, you may be surprised how often they’re willing to take a bite. They might like it—or at least grow familiar with it.
Also, recognize that parents often create the mealtime drama. When food is forced, it sets a negative tone. After a few dinnertime battles, everyone starts expecting the worst. Even before dinner begins, both you and your child may already feel anxious. Toddlers, being naturally self-centered, don’t want to engage in things that feel uncomfortable. If mealtime is always a struggle, they simply won’t want to participate.
Young children are not great table partners. Sure, you dream of a peaceful sit-down dinner with the whole family. But if it turns into constant nagging and whining, no one enjoys it. Many parents expect too much—long attention spans, perfect manners, and full participation in a meal that lasts longer than a few minutes. Realistically, until about age seven, children can focus for about ten minutes in situations where they’re not interested.
The better approach? Get your child involved. Let them help set the table and be part of the dinner routine. Don’t ask them to sit until everything is ready—plates fixed, food served. And if your toddler eats better with Dora the Explorer on in the background, so be it. Even if it goes against your every parenting instinct to have the TV on during meals, a peaceful dinnertime and a child who eats might be worth the compromise.
Mealtime doesn’t have to be a big deal. Most of the frustration comes from parents trying to fit kids into neat routines. As long as your child is healthy, growing well, and understands the difference between negotiable and non-negotiable rules, you don’t need to turn dinner into a power struggle. Give them choices, relax a little, and who knows—you and your spouse might actually enjoy a meal again.
