The costs of getting a divorce are staggering. The payouts — which don’t end overnight or in a month — can cripple you financially. It could be years before you get back on your feet.
For celebrities and members of the upper classes, paying for expensive lawyers and financial trustees to rid themselves of a spouse who has become more of a liability than an asset is often a necessary evil. It was good while it lasted, but people like to move on with their lives. They pick up the pieces and start anew.
When we think of the cost of divorce, our first impulse is to focus on dollars and cents, and we reel from the bills that land in our mailboxes. The financial picture can look as ugly as the divorce itself. But it’s not just the money that’s the thorny issue. There’s another kind of cost that is equally staggering — and devastating.
That cost is the emotional toll on individuals who go through a divorce. No wonder many of them emerge from it 100% different. Their feelings and attitudes have taken a 360-degree turn, and when they finally leave the courtroom or their lawyer’s office, they can’t even begin to comprehend what truly hit them.
Your heart goes out to the man in Alcoholics Anonymous who says that after his divorce, he lost everything — his job, his wife and kids, his house. With bitterness, he adds, “I also lost me. I don’t know where I’ve been or where I’m going.”
Both the financial and psychological costs of divorce generate such a devastating outcome that it can last a long time. You might stop to think and ask the question: Was getting a divorce really worth it?
Cost of Divorce: The Emotional Aspect
Can you imagine yourself being a completely changed person because of a divorce? “Change” may be too mild a word. Let’s try “transformed” or even “metamorphosed.” Has the innocence of youth completely disappeared, leaving you unable to trust your fellow humans?
Focusing on the divorce itself often causes us to overlook the years leading up to the divorce. Your emotions have been stretched so much during this period that they’ve lost their elasticity. You’ve tried your best, experimenting with solutions, visiting one counselor after another. But deep down, you know the love and trust are no longer there. The marriage is over. You need to call it quits before there’s nothing left of you. You need to conserve the little that remains, because, sadly, it’s all you have to try to rebuild your life. Staying in the marriage will only deprive you of that tiny, fragile chance at happiness again.
But in the meantime, do you know what has happened to you — your soul, and the elements that once defined you?
Perhaps the best way to illustrate the emotional cost of divorce is through the stories of “wounded” husbands and wives whose emotions have changed drastically, from the time they were newlyweds to the time of their divorce.
Case #1: “Honey, I’ve got a headache.”
HE:
At first, I thought she was just tired and stressed from looking after the kids all day. But then she started refusing sex more frequently. It made me feel unattractive, like I had lost the ability to excite her. The point of marriage is to have one partner for life, but my wife is unresponsive and uninterested in sex. It makes you wonder about the whole monogamy issue. Doesn’t she see that I’m hurt by her constant refusals? Does she not love me anymore?
SHE:
He expects me to always be ready for him. I feel like he treats me more like a machine — something he can turn on and off, get what he wants from, and then turn his back on when he’s done. I feel so cheap, so unloved, that I’d rather refuse his advances than endure his mechanical lovemaking. I’m ready to throw in the towel. I’d prefer someone who isn’t so demanding physically.
Case #2: “Help, our bank account’s sinking!”
SHE:
I understand that it’s important to save for a rainy day. I agreed to be thrifty, and I’ve been through years of self-deprivation. I work, so it’s not like I’m spending his money. I contribute to the household expenses. But every time I buy a dress or a bottle of my favorite perfume, he makes me feel like I’ve lost all sense of money and that I don’t care about our future. I resent the way he tries to force me to save the way he does. To me, money is meant to be saved and spent. I want more control over my money. He’s interfering in an area where he has no business interfering.
HE:
I’m trying to emulate my dad. We weren’t very rich, but because he saved consistently, he managed to provide for our family, and my mother didn’t have to work after he died. I see a lot of our friends who have gone bankrupt because they always had to have the latest gadgets. All those cars, motorcycles, iPods, cell phones, pools, club memberships, eating out — they’re all a drain on your savings. My wife believes in instant gratification. I keep telling her it’s the sure way to financial ruin. She’s totally ignorant about what our lives will be like when we retire, especially with escalating healthcare costs…
Case #3: “I’m not good enough for him. He criticizes my lack of knowledge and calls me an ignoramus.”
SHE:
I feel like I’m under a microscope. He questions me as if I’m an underperforming student. He forces me to read books I don’t enjoy and brings home magazines that he expects me to read so I can answer his questions intelligently. He admires his female colleagues who are lawyers, and calls me a “dumb blond” when my hair isn’t even blonde. He taunts me with, “You could have at least finished high school. You don’t even know what’s happening in the world.” The last straw came when he said he didn’t want our children to be as ignorant as me. That’s when I decided I was no longer going to take any verbal abuse. He killed my spirit, but I wasn’t going to let him kill what’s left of me.
HE:
My wife is so lazy and lacks ambition. Here we are, living in one of the largest cities in North America, and she won’t do anything to educate herself. Our community offers plenty of self-improvement courses, and I’ve told her time and again how important it is to learn new things so we can have a decent conversation. But she’s content staying at home, caring for the kids. She won’t even pick up the newspaper. I knew I was marrying someone with a bit of a lack of initiative, but I didn’t know I was marrying someone so slothful.
From the three cases above, we can summarize the emotional cost of divorce as follows:
- Death of love and loss of respect
- Isolation
- Self-doubt
- Low self-esteem
- Depression and anxiety
- Absence of trust
- Cynicism
- Intolerance
- Anger
- Bitterness
- Feelings of inadequacy
Over time, if these psychological imbalances aren’t addressed, the emotional cost of divorce can lead to additional medical expenses. For example, if one spouse falls into a deep depression, psychological care will add to the cost. If fighting and bickering lead someone to alcoholism or drug addiction, rehab costs should also be factored in.
Cost of Divorce: The Financial Aspect
Before you file your divorce papers, think twice. Then think again, and again. Talk to family members and friends. Find out how much their divorce cost them financially. When they tell you the numbers, you may reconsider.
If you’re NOT prepared to reconsider and still want a divorce, the cheapest option is the do-it-yourself divorce. However, if you haven’t done your homework or due diligence, you could end up with the short end of the stick. If your spouse is more knowledgeable about issues like alimony, child support, and division of marital assets, you might not get your fair share.
Another alternative is a collaborative divorce, where your lawyer and your spouse’s lawyer work together to settle things amicably.
However, we haven’t yet addressed how much it will cost you financially.
Let’s begin with legal fees. This is where you realize that words aren’t cheap. A lawyer will charge you not only for the time spent with you in person and on the phone but also for researching legal precedents, administrative costs like stationery, courier services, court fees, filing fees, paralegal fees, and more. In fact, a lawyer could spend more time working without you than with you, drafting proceedings, motions, and affidavits.
Lawyers typically charge on an hourly basis, a retainer basis, or a package deal. Hourly fees in North America range from $100 to $250 — higher in some cities. Retainer fees can range from $8,000 to $12,000, depending on where you live, the specifics of your case, and the lawyer’s hourly rate. Some provinces in Canada and states in the U.S. charge higher retainer fees. Keep in mind that if you choose a retainer agreement, a written agreement must be drawn up.
Caution: If the retainer agreement stipulates surrendering the title to your house or other substantial assets for failure to pay legal fees, do not sign it! In other words, don’t give up anything you can’t afford to lose.
Unfortunately, financial costs don’t end in the lawyer’s office.
Your properties: The properties and assets acquired during the marriage may only represent 50% of their original value after the divorce. If the divorce agreement calls for a 50-50 split, you automatically lose half the total value.
Personal items like furniture, clothes, collectibles, and cars are often evaluated on a “garage sale” basis, so you and your spouse can decide who gets what.
As for the house, the spouse with primary custody usually stays in the house with the children. If the house is no longer affordable for either spouse, you can both agree to sell it and split the proceeds.
Other costs to consider:
Depending on who keeps the house, the following costs should be included in the financial equation:
- Mortgage and interest payments
- Property taxes
- Insurance
- Maintenance costs
- School and water taxes
You should also ask your lawyer how each spouse’s retirement plans, 401(k)s (U.S.), RRSPs (Canada), and other pension benefits should be divided.
Finally, there are the children’s expenses: tuition, medical and health bills, recreational activities, babysitters, special care (such as psychologists to help the children through the divorce), vacations, and other expenses.