The Journal of Family Psychology published a report in January of 2008 regarding the importance of being a parent—not a friend—to your children. The study involved 1,000 intact families (meaning not divorced), whose behaviors with their pre-teen and teen children were monitored for three months. The findings revealed that many parents today have adopted a type of parenting known as parentification.
Parentification is when the boundaries between parent and child become blurred, with parents striving to form amicable “friendships” with their children while still attempting to parent.
The Consequences of Parentification
The study found that in households where parents attempted to be both friends and parents, it was the children whose future outlook was hindered. Kids whose parents tried to “get down on their level” and participate in activities typically reserved for peers (i.e., people of the same age) often regarded their parents as less warm. They also felt an emotional burden that stifled their autonomy.
The reason for this is fairly simple. When parents try to be their children’s friends, kids begin to feel responsible for meeting their parents’ emotional needs. This disrupts the natural family structure. Teens in homes where parentification was present often felt pressured to meet their parents’ needs for companionship and attention, which led them to neglect their own needs and desires.
As adults, children who grew up with parents who were “best friends” often find themselves less capable of making independent decisions. Even if they are successful, they may feel a strong tie to their parents that prevents them from pursuing opportunities they fear might upset their parents. For example, should they be offered a big job promotion, many might hesitate if it means moving away from their parents.
The truth is that children should always be encouraged to have age-appropriate friends. Parents should be their children’s confidants, providing companionship when the teen desires it—not the other way around. This doesn’t mean that parents and children can’t enjoy activities together or that parents shouldn’t be willing to dive into their teen’s world for bonding time. However, it does mean that parents must maintain the boundaries between parent and child, even while spending time together.
In earlier generations, the difference between parent and child was much clearer. For instance, it was uncommon to see a parent and child exchanging celebratory high fives or using curse words in each other’s presence. While it might seem that parenting in those times was colder or stricter, it likely wasn’t. The family unit has changed significantly in the past two decades, and parents are spending less time with their children than ever before. This often leads to a form of guilt-driven parenting where moms and dads want to be “friends” with their kids.
The underlying fear is that children will grow up and not “like” their parents. To counter this, parents try to offer both structure and friendship.
This bridge between structure and friendship, however, is hard to maintain, especially when parents are responsible for instilling values and discipline in their children. Children quickly learn that they can manipulate their parents with guilt, and many parents eventually succumb to this pressure by failing to provide the necessary structure and discipline. This, in turn, robs children of what they need to thrive and become successful adults.
As teens grow into adulthood and start families of their own, there is generally more room for parents to become friends with their children. This is largely accepted as normal. However, studies show that females, in particular, are more sensitive to their mothers’ opinions—even into adulthood. Extremely close mother-daughter relationships can sometimes negatively impact the daughter’s sense of independence and future success.
Finding a Healthy Balance
Despite all the research, the truth is that parents will likely always be desperate to find a place in their teen’s life where they fit in. This desire is more about a parent’s fear of losing their identity as “mom and dad” and wanting their child to “like” them than about love and child-rearing. Perhaps the key is balance. While it’s important (and cool) for parents today to be in tune with the language and culture of their children’s generation, they shouldn’t try to necessarily “fit in” with it. Parents shouldn’t strive to be their child’s best friend or seek companionship from their child at the expense of their own peers.
It’s normal for a child, especially a teen, to not like their parents at some point. If your teen doesn’t like you and is bent on disagreeing with you at nearly every turn, chances are you’re doing your job as a parent. Sure, it hurts, and it would be nice to have the idealized parent-teen relationship that movies portray. But letting go of this fantasy will help your child become a responsible, successful adult—and one day, they’ll thank you for the tough decisions you made that helped them thrive.