In this world of soft parenting, it’s curious that we still need to be reminded of the importance of praising a child. While today’s children often face fewer consequences and have more material possessions than ever, they also bear greater expectations than their peers did just a decade ago. If you look at the typical elementary or middle school curriculum, you’ll see that children are learning faster than ever. Many subjects that were once reserved for high school are now being introduced up to eight years earlier, and sports and competitive activities for very young children have become more high-pressure than ever.
Every parent desires the best for their child, which often means giving them an edge by starting activities at a very young age. To drive children, many techniques are used to push them to their limits, fostering leadership skills. Unfortunately, praise is often the last thing offered.
For every parent who doesn’t use enough praise, there are those who use too much. If you’ve ever watched talent shows like American Idol, it’s clear that many contestants suffer from misguided parental praise. While a mother’s love may be blind, it certainly isn’t deaf, and some contestants embarrass themselves because their families are too fearful to tell them the truth. This can result from excessive praise, leading to children who aren’t motivated by genuine means. To get them to do something, they may need an ego boost that far exceeds the reality of their abilities, giving them a false sense of security and obscuring their true selves. The key to praising a child effectively is balance.
Praising a child should always be truthful. Overindulging a child every time they do something well creates a constant craving for approval. Instead, react naturally when they achieve something good. Children are adept at sensing when praise is undeserved. If they bake a cake for Dad’s birthday but didn’t truly contribute, praising them for it is disingenuous and won’t make them feel good. Instead, focus on what they actually did and praise them effectively.
Many child psychologists recommend using praise in place of discipline. Kids who are praised for desirable behaviors are more likely to repeat those behaviors. Why? Because it feels good to be rewarded for making good decisions. Conversely, if you only acknowledge negative behavior, children may ‘act up’ just to get attention, believing that negative attention is better than none. Using praise as a behavioral tool is easy to implement and contrasts with overdoing it for every little thing your child does. Here are a few simple rules to follow:
- Be honest and direct. When you notice your child doing something good, tell them right away. For example, saying, “Mary, I’m so pleased to see you sharing with your sister!” is effective praise.
- Use your whole body to give praise. Show your enthusiasm. Maintain eye contact and follow up your words with a hug, a pat on the back, or a wink.
- Don’t undermine your praise. With older children, avoid sarcastic remarks, like, “Guess you finally got the message after being grounded for two weeks,” before delivering the compliment.
- Share your child’s good deeds with others. When Dad gets home or Grandma calls, tell them what your child accomplished.
- Don’t go overboard. You want your child to behave properly without needing a reward each time. If there’s a particular behavior you’re working on, use praise to reinforce progress. Aim for 3-5 instances of praise a day to keep things balanced.
Constructive criticism can benefit a child. If you offer something negative, be sure to include a positive reaction. Allow your child to make choices and discuss them calmly. When they choose good behavior over bad, make sure you acknowledge it. Children are habitual, and changing their behaviors takes time. However, utilizing praise will encourage them to react positively because it feels good.
Another consideration regarding the importance of praising a child is whether you are expecting too much. While it’s essential to push children to discover their strengths, it’s unfair to push them hard without recognizing their accomplishments. As your child grows, you might praise them less because you expect more. This is often when they need praise the most. Remember not to make them feel responsible for your happiness. If you praise them only for dancing when they’re no longer interested, you send the message that their happiness is tied to yours. The same applies to academic performance: if your child brings home all B’s, be proud of their efforts rather than express disappointment for not achieving A’s.
Balanced praise is a common denominator in raising well-adjusted children. Naturally, it’s gratifying to be proud of your child and to want them to excel. By finding meaningful ways to praise them and help them feel good about themselves, you’ll support their development into self-confident adults who trust in themselves and others.
