We have all grown up learning the importance of saying “no.” As young adults, we are taught that this form of assertion will keep us out of trouble, build our confidence, and ensure that we are not left feeling remorseful, guilty, or stressed over things we’ve done. If we don’t want to do something or feel pressured—even lightly—to do something that doesn’t sit right with us, we should say no. Unfortunately, we don’t!
As adults, and especially as women, we are constantly saying “yes” to everything in an effort to ensure that no one is disappointed and that we live up to invisible expectations. Yes, I will coach the softball team (even though I don’t really have time). Yes, I would love to bake brownies for the school play (even though I can’t cook). Yes, I’ll help you with your yard sale (even though my own house is a mess). Yes, I will watch your kids (even though I have too many of my own). And yes, honey, I will have sex with you tonight (even though that’s the last thing I want to do). With all these “yes’s,” we begin to say yes out of habit, when in reality, we mean and affirm no in our hearts. The “yes’s” build up and add to our responsibilities, creating a growing sense of dread about making it through yet another day of doing a thousand things we don’t want to do. Welcome to adulthood, motherhood, and womanhood! No thanks!
The Importance of Saying No for Our Well-Being
Even though women seem to have forgotten the importance of saying no, men have their own version of “yes syndrome.” They’ll do anything for a friend, co-worker, or male counterpart because they couldn’t tell them “no” (God forbid their buddies think the wife is in charge). Yet, passive-aggressively, they tell their wives “no” all the time.
Somehow, through our values, virtues, morals, or desire to be liked and accepted, we’ve agreed, at least in part, that it is rude to say “no.” Just because someone is asking us to do something or go somewhere doesn’t mean that turning down the offer is rude. Being honest about what we can handle and what we can’t makes us responsible people. No matter what we do in life, we have to leave room to take care of ourselves. Saying “yes” too often takes away those fleeting moments that could be used for self-care, leaving us even thinner than we already are.
The importance of saying “no” is that by doing so, we can save ourselves and our sanity. We can also reserve our “yes’s” for things that truly resonate with us—things we genuinely want to do. There are plenty of opportunities in life for us to get stuck doing things we don’t want to do. These come up every day. I don’t always want to drive my kids to school, cook dinner, or wash clothes. I don’t always want to watch cartoons or mow the grass. I don’t always want to be married or pay bills. Why add more to the list?
Another vital reason to recognize the importance of saying “no” is that by doing so, we can become even better at the things we enjoy. By saying “no,” we open up our schedules and minds to getting the most out of life. It never feels good to be bullied or pressured into doing something. It zaps the fun out of the experience from the start, and in our minds, we are constantly whining and complaining about having to do it. The solution? Just say no. No can be polite and well-intended, and no can be the best answer. It may not be what your best friend, child’s teacher, or boss wants to hear, but once you’ve said it, the ordeal is over!
The other benefit of learning to say no is that eventually, people will stop asking you to do everything. When they realize that you will only do things you want to do, and that saying no is no longer difficult for you, they’ll go and find the next “wallflower” to ask. Trust me, these folks have you pegged! If a friend gets upset when you say “no,” they are, in my opinion, not much of a friend. No friend would intentionally pressure someone they care about into doing something they don’t want to do.
Not having the time, desire, inclination, ability, or know-how to do something is not rude behavior. If we’re busy, we’re busy. If we don’t have the money, we don’t have the money. If we don’t have the desire, we don’t have the desire. Say no! Saying no can save you from getting into ugly situations and can even save your sanity. If we can say no to our children, we can say no to anyone.
For those of you who struggle with saying no, here are some strategies: In the beginning of your “just say no” journey, try not to answer so quickly. If someone asks you to do something, tell them you need to check your schedule. This buys you time. Then, go home and email them. This way, you won’t be face-to-face and won’t be pressured by all that silent but powerful body language. You won’t have to see their face when they realize they need to find another “sucker.” Email is non-confrontational, and you can be as professional and kind as you like. Add a smiley face for emphasis. After a while, either people will stop asking, or you’ll feel so good about your newfound freedom that you’ll say no to all the annoying things you don’t want to do. Another strategy is to say yes, but do whatever it is so poorly that no one would dare ask you again. This one is less mature but much more fun.
The importance of saying no is that how we spend our life should reflect our inner selves. Our intuitive, emotional thoughts are there for a reason. If your first gut instinct is to say no, then say no! There will be plenty of opportunities in life to say yes, and they should be chosen by you. Everyone has to stand up for themselves or risk being walked on. Saying no is just one of the simple yet meaningful ways we begin to take our own needs seriously. By taking care of ourselves, we can offer even more to those around us.
