The divorce rate in America is considered tragic by many; the number of broken homes in this nation seems to grow from year to year. But the complicated causes of divorce and the debatable advantages and disadvantages of it, for all involved, are not really the topic at hand here. Instead, we’re going to talk about one common problem that plagues many marriages. And that problem is, at first glance, children! While most couples yearn to build a family together and almost everyone agrees that children are a gift, increasing the members of the household from 2 to 3, or 4 or more, can mean trouble.
Too often, wives who become new mothers find themselves overburdened and stressed out, focusing all their energy on the children and neglecting their husbands in the process.
So, we’re going to explore why this happens, who—if anyone—is to blame, what the consequences are, and what married couples can do to prevent this from ever happening in the first place! Of course, to find the solution, it’s crucial to truly understand the problem.
Why Does This Happen?
There are many reasons new mothers today often feel too overwhelmed to give their husbands the attention they need. One of the more obvious reasons is that many women today have a lot of roles to juggle, more than they did in the past. In addition to being a wife and mother, they are increasingly balancing full-time jobs—careers they care about. Even with the help of nannies and babysitters, women often find themselves in over their heads. If they don’t feel they have a supportive husband, they may consciously or unconsciously begin resenting them, leading to neglect. The combination of external pressure and resentment can cause conflict, or even worse, the mother and father may become strangers in their own home.
Children are a real handful, especially for young parents who may not have been prepared for the new additions to their home. As wonderful as they are, they also bring financial, emotional, and physical strain. A new baby means saying goodbye to peaceful evenings and hello to sleepless nights and hectic days. The rewards are tremendous, but there is a significant amount of sacrifice for parents who choose to bring a new human into the world.
If a wife is struggling with her role as a parent or feels a distance from her husband, she may dive headfirst into being a mother and end up ignoring other obligations. Who’s to blame? Well, it’s not as black and white as that.
It may seem like a cliché, but communication really is key to a lasting marriage. It’s better to confront troublesome issues directly rather than bury them. After all, they will only resurface later, causing even more problems down the road. If you are a husband who misses the wife you knew before children entered the picture, try putting yourself in her shoes.
Is she balancing a full-time job with parenting? Is she disciplining and caring for the child more than you? Does she feel like she’s neglecting the children when she gives you attention? The answers to these questions could very well be ‘no.’ In that case, ask more questions.
You shouldn’t approach this conversation with the intention of blaming her. A marriage shouldn’t be one big ‘blame game.’ Instead, try to see things from her perspective. Ask her these questions without immediately preparing to defend yourself.
If she’s consumed with childcare and sees you as a background figure, there’s a reason. She may feel resentful toward you for specific reasons, or perhaps she has emotional struggles she’s dealing with. More likely, it’s a combination of factors that have led to the strained relationship you now share after the baby. Children can be a huge distraction from other, less urgent matters. However, if you or your wife are using children as a way to avoid discussing issues related to your marriage, then you can’t let that continue. Children should not be the reason you avoid important conversations. In fact, you owe it to your children to talk about any issues and even argue from time to time.
As a husband, you can show your wife you care by doing simple things, like taking the kids out for dinner (giving her a break) or doing the laundry. You can do these things without her ever asking you. Little gestures like these can make a big difference and remind her that you are there to support her.
Only because we’re discussing women who neglect their husbands after children enter the picture, are we illustrating the roles of mother and father in this particular context. It’s possible you are in a household where you, the husband, share as many or more parenting and domestic responsibilities as your wife. But if that’s the case, you may not be reading this article!
Remember, if talking it over with your wife doesn’t work, it’s okay to seek couples therapy. It can be enormously beneficial to your marriage. If you have any doubts about getting outside help, consider the alternative: an unhappy marriage that may eventually erode and lead to a messy divorce. If you recognize there’s a real problem, you still have the power to save your marriage. Let love and compassion guide your efforts to fix it.
