How can you tell if a woman is a mother? Is there a special look in her eyes? Is it in the jeans she is wearing? Can you tell she’s had children by the shape of her body or the twinkle in her eye? Is the sound of her voice forever changed, or is it the way she’s constantly looking around a store as if she’s lost something (her children) that clearly tips you off? Does pregnancy and childbirth change her aura, manipulate her eyes, or even become evident in a matronly pair of hips?
The truth is, it’s none of these things. The easiest way to tell if a woman has had children—despite the tired look on her face—is the size of her purse. Before women become mothers, they are often deeply connected to their purses. They have a different bag to match every outfit, occasion, or season. These purses are often small and fit little else besides the necessary glittery, kiss-friendly lipstick, a cell phone, car keys, and a wallet (that they have no intention of pulling out during a dinner date). And then, wham! A baby is born, and suddenly they trade in their stylish, sleek, and sexy purses for the “Mom Purse,” which could pass as luggage—and likely wouldn’t make it through customs without a fuss.
What Does Your Purse Say About You?
The mom purse is perhaps the most defining statement silently made by a woman who has children. The mom purse starts off as a diaper bag, filled with enough diapers and wipes to keep an infant dry for days at a time, plus Tylenol and a bulb syringe just in case the baby gets a surprise cold at the grocery store. It also stores freshly washed clothes that smell like baby powder, nail clippers (because you just never know), and some Benadryl and an EpiPen in case the baby gets stung by a bee. The smell-good hand lotion of yesterday, which used to fit into her purse, has been replaced with some upscale butt paste ready to be applied at the first sign of a rash. And of course, there is hand sanitizer, a fancy ‘schmancy’ diapering pad, and a host of other things that a real mama could simply never leave the house without!
As the baby grows, the mom purse grows as well, which means that the vinyl diaper bag of yesterday is traded in for a knapsack, backpack, or upscale bag. If it’s monogrammed, you can bet your last dollar that the person holding it is a mother, and inside that bag, she’s carrying the keys to meeting every single need of a baby or toddler. You will find a soother or two, a favorite toy to help distract a child during checkout, and an extra pair of shoes in case one gets lost along the way. You might even find coloring books and crayons, stuffed animals, pajamas, and a tiny blow-up toilet that can be used on the road during the all-important phase of potty training. Of course, there’s still hand sanitizer, face wipes, and likely even a personalized bowl, fork, and spoon that the baby can use to eat at a fancy restaurant.
Of course, no mom purse would be complete without books. This way, even while mom is driving, pushing a cart through the grocery store, or waiting in line at the pediatrician’s office, she can feel confident that she is using every opportunity to further her child’s education through a love of books. If you look really hard, you might find that somewhere in the middle of all those toddler books is a gossip magazine that is only pulled out during those random moments when the mom’s child is sleeping.
The worst thing about the mom purse is that moms don’t leave home without it. Ever! This means that trying to go anywhere on time is a combination of getting mom and baby dressed—plus packing up the mom purse with enough protein-enriched snacks and powdered milk to feed an army should the car break down during a blizzard on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere. (Because, you know, you never really know what could happen.) And the mom purse becomes heavy over time. In fact, it’s probably not the baby that makes a mom’s back hurt and ache the way it does, but the mom purse (that weighs as much as a tricycle) she slings around as her newfound security blanket.
The mom purse doesn’t contain lipstick anymore. Instead, it’s stocked with several different kinds of ChapStick (all of which contain sunscreen). Instead of an extra pair of thigh-high pantyhose, there are nursing pads and an ugly bra. Her portable bottle of perfume has been replaced by baby powder, and the condoms she used to carry in the zippered part of her sexy, single-woman purse are gone. Forever. Replaced by quarters that she can use at the gumball machine to bribe her child through an afternoon of shopping.
So, if you really want to know who the moms in this world are, simply take a look at the purses they’re carrying. If the darn thing is big enough to fit an entire infant, chances are it’s filled with all the things that she ‘thinks she needs’ to take care of a baby, toddler, or child for one day. And if you ever run out of Kleenex, need some Motrin, or perhaps want to clip off that hangnail that’s been driving you crazy all day—look no further than the mom carrying the mom purse.
