Sure, I realized that my husband had been working long hours. Not only was it evident on his paycheck, but it was also clear from the way he could barely keep his eyes open during dinner—almost falling asleep in a plate of spaghetti. While seeing his face covered in sauce would have made a great Facebook post, I chose to feel compassion rather than frustration at his lack of enthusiasm when it came to household chores. The truth is, I didn’t mind taking out the trash every night. I didn’t even mind doing the laundry by myself or getting the kids bathed, fed, and put to sleep without any help. I actually enjoyed riding the lawn mower to cut the grass so he could relax on the weekends, watching his beloved football games and spending time with the kids who missed him when he worked long hours.
The Shifting Balance of Responsibilities
The problem is that all of this happened ten years ago.
Now, ten years later, I am still doing all the things around the house that he used to do, including the weekly trip to the dump to dispose of huge trash cans full of household waste. Not only is he still lounging on the couch watching football every weekend while I’m mowing the grass and weed-eating, but I’m also watching the kids run around the yard while I work. Then I return inside to pick up his beer cans, turn his laundry, and cook a nice meal for the family. In fact, it seems that every time I take on an errand or chore out of necessity, that task becomes glued to MY to-do list. My to-do list has grown massive, and I have to admit I feel a little resentful. So what in the world happened here? How does helping someone out turn into adding to an already burdened list of responsibilities? And why does it seem that the more I do, the less he does around the house?
This male-female phenomenon is nothing new. If you read any literature or tips about how to keep your man interested in you, you’ll find advice suggesting that you pretend you don’t care about him anymore. Stop doing his laundry, stop calling him during the day, decide you no longer care how dirty his socks are, and forego making him a plate of home-cooked food in the microwave for when he walks in the door. And, of course, stop nagging him about what needs to be done, which is a surefire way to ensure it won’t get done (at least not by him). Apparently, when a woman tries to please her man and make life easier for him, she becomes unattractive and needy in his eyes, causing him to lose interest and motivation.
Maybe this is why men love to fish so much. They cast a baited line into murky water, hoping something big will break the surface. However, the beer cans popping open all day disturb the fish, and they end up catching nothing, which means they have to go back out and try again the following weekend. If they ever do manage to master the fine art of angling, returning home with enough fish to feed the family for two months, their fishing gear ends up dry-rotting in the garage. Why? Because the thrill of the chase is over.
The same mentality applies to your doing your fair share (plus his) of work around the house. What men don’t understand is that most women just want to be appreciated and shown a hint of gratitude for what they do. When they don’t receive that acknowledgment and feel like they are being used, they start to nag. The truth is, they aren’t really angry; they are simply hurt and want the man in their life to take a moment to realize how much they do for him. The nagging leads to him doing less and you doing more. Since women seem to be hardwired to be diligent and domestic, it’s nearly impossible for them to leave things unkempt. So he stops picking up his razor clippings from the sink, you do it, and presto—you now have a new responsibility.
Bottom line: you, just like I, should have listened to our mothers when they told us not to do any chore around the house that we wouldn’t want to do for the rest of our lives. So now, the only solution—the only way out—is to stop doing all of it. Sure, it’s going to drive you nuts to let the pieces of your domestic puzzle fall apart for a week or so. But this is the only way to regain the help of the man in your life. The most important part is that you have to pretend as if you don’t care anymore—about him or the house. Make him think for a second that he is losing you. Talking about it, crying about it, and nagging him about it just won’t work. But if you let him run out of clean underwear and be forced to eat Ramen noodles off of dirty plates every night for a week, you will see a change in your man.