Understanding Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships
Learning to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy relationships isn’t taught in high school or college, yet it’s a critical skill. By the time many of us are deeply invested in serious relationships, it can be challenging to assess their health without perspective. Controlling relationships often start subtly, and by the time we feel trapped, we may fear for ourselves and our partner.
Controlling relationships typically stem from fear. The controlling partner may fear losing their loved one, while the controlled partner initially fears hurting their partner and, over time, may fear them outright. Controllers aren’t necessarily “bad people”; they may simply lack understanding of how to love, be loved, or foster a healthy relationship built on trust.
Control or abuse of power can come from either partner, regardless of gender. Controlling men are often easier to spot due to societal norms that normalize women expressing frustration at home. Distinguishing between a controlling partner and one who feels ignored or disrespected is key. For example, if you’ve neglected your partner for three nights out with friends, their resentment is understandable. However, if you’ve arranged time with friends in advance and still face anger upon returning home, this could signal a controlling dynamic.
Early signs of a controlling relationship may mimic clinginess. For instance, if your partner demands to know why you’re 15 minutes late from work and dismisses reasonable explanations, like a brief chat with a colleague, trouble may be brewing. Resistance to you seeing friends—especially if it’s been a while—or attending support group meetings or personal obligations that lead to arguments are red flags.
Being cared for feels wonderful, especially when stressed. A partner stepping in to handle life’s details or laying out clothes after a long workday can feel supportive. However, these acts of kindness cross into control when they dictate what you can wear to avoid “too much attention” or restrict what you eat, such as controlling lunch choices or household groceries. While a healthy diet is commendable, being told you can’t order certain foods at a restaurant is controlling.
The desire to care for a partner is natural. Reminding someone watching their cholesterol to avoid unhealthy foods is reasonable, but controlling relationships often start with small restrictions that escalate into larger issues.
Are You in a Controlling Relationship?
If you’re unsure whether your relationship is controlling, reflect on these questions:
- When was the last time you went out with friends without your partner?
- Can you spend time alone without it sparking a major argument?
- Does your partner threaten to leave or imply you don’t love them to stop you from doing things they disapprove of?
- Do you ever feel followed?
- Are your email accounts private, or does your partner insist on access?
- Do you give them reason to doubt you, such as infidelity, threats of infidelity, or frequenting clubs without them?
- Do you intentionally try to make them jealous?
If your behavior isn’t provoking jealousy, yet jealousy dominates your household, there’s a problem. Unwarranted jealousy or excessive clinginess often stems from a partner feeling threatened by imagined or perceived risks of infidelity. Some partners, overwhelmed by finding someone they love, fear letting go even momentarily. Regardless of the cause, signs of control must be addressed immediately.
In some cases, a controlling partner can learn to ease their grip, feel less threatened, and express concerns without threats or violence. With mutual recognition of the issue and couples counseling, the relationship can evolve into a healthier, more respectful bond. However, if the controlling partner cannot acknowledge their behavior, reconciliation is unlikely. Open communication and professional guidance are essential for fostering a strong, trusting relationship.
