Just recently, a friend accused me of giving my husband the silent treatment. While I admit we had a disagreement, and I feel better not talking to him at the moment, I refuse to acknowledge that I’m engaging in the petty, passive-aggressive behavior known as the “silent treatment.” After all, not speaking to him hardly qualifies as punishment, and most husbands would choose my silence and punctuated stomps through the house over a nagging session any day.
The comment made me wonder how often we stew in silence when angry, and what the real purpose behind it is. Perhaps other women view it like I do: sometimes agreeing to disagree just takes longer, and not talking isn’t meant to cause harm; it simply fits the situation. If the issue is significant and it’s clear that talking would only rehash the argument, why bother? I strongly feel that many marriages exhaust issues by discussing them in excessive detail. The term “beating a dead horse” comes to mind. I don’t need to be right to validate my opinion, nor does my husband need to be wrong for me to feel okay about something. If winning the argument were the goal, couples would just falsely concede disagreements to move on. “Okay, honey, you’re right, I’m wrong—let’s go have sex!” Yeah, right?
After some research, I learned that the silent treatment is related to ostracism, which is just a fancy term for bullying. Do we really bully our spouses? By ignoring them, we employ an ancient form of social punishment that excludes them from our lives. This tactic is meant to cause harm and manipulate, playing on our inherent desire for connection. Ignoring someone may seem non-aggressive, but it’s often more detrimental to the human spirit. Interestingly, a Purdue University study compared adult silent treatments to child time-outs, where parents temporarily ostracize their kids to motivate behavior changes.
Considering all this, I still don’t believe I use the silent treatment to punish or provoke my husband. It’s not that I deliberately avoid talking to him; I simply make little effort to engage, and it often works out. With a house full of kids, silence can be easier. Eventually, when I feel less frustrated, we resume our normal conversations. In a marriage, one spouse should never aim to punish the other, as the silent treatment implies. Marriage involves two equal adults, each entitled to their feelings and moments of silence. Sometimes, silence is best for the sake of the relationship!
If the silent treatment is used by someone who feels emotionally slighted and wants to enforce punishment, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship. The psychology behind the silent treatment stems from a power struggle, typically employed when one spouse feels superior to the other. It’s one thing to want space to be mad; it’s another to manipulate a partner to boost our own egos. Some spouses may hate being ignored or worry excessively about upsetting their partner. While the silent treatment might be effective initially, over time, the ostracized spouse may grow weary of the belittlement it causes. Prolonged silent treatments diminish intimacy and breach the mutual respect every marriage deserves. A partner who feels the need to be silent may not feel safe expressing themselves in the relationship.
The issue with using the silent treatment in a marriage or dating relationship is that we waste precious time together. Disagreements can be significant, yet our success hinges on how large we allow them to loom. Married people—especially those raising families—should be able to speak our minds and move on to the next thing. Dwelling on issues through silence or not forgiving for days or weeks is oblivious to freedom and happiness. Allowing anger to control our state of being is an act of victimization. When married, we love each other in an evolving way and should feel secure and accepting, no matter what happens. Maybe I’m just selfish, but no husband of mine will ignore me for a week in hopes I crumble like stale bread. If he has nothing to say, I don’t expect him to speak, and the feeling is mutual. The truth is we respect each other’s need for occasional space and silence.
So, bottom line: my friend is wrong. Yes, I have been silent a time or two in the marriage, but not because I’m trying to punish my husband. If I were, silence wouldn’t be my method. There’s an old adage that silence is golden, and I believe this is true in marriage. If our silence isn’t meant to be antagonistic, it may just mean we’ve finally learned to agree to disagree.
