Relationships and the Power of Listening
Relationships are tough. For many of us, our friends serve as the perfect sounding board to blow off steam and relinquish some of the pent-up frustration that we feel towards our partners. It is commonplace for both men and women to confide in their friends about all the annoying, maddening, and downright irritating things their spouses do. Your friend might be extremely upset, telling you how much of a jerk her husband or boyfriend is because of x, y, and z. And you, being the good friend that you are, feel sympathetic and have no choice but to agree with your friend.
The problem is that between men and women, there are always two sides to every relationship story. When you only hear one side of the story, it is easy to commiserate and understand why your friend feels a certain way. In fact, you may jump on the angry bandwagon, eager to help plot revenge against the evil spouse for being so unreasonable and mean-hearted, right? This is the thread that holds friendships together and just one of the reasons people confide in their friends about relationship problems.
The Wisdom of Listening: Consider the Whole Story
Yet, you also have to remain slightly detached, realizing that your friend is only telling you their side of the story. Chances are, leading up to the disagreement or big fight, there were a plethora of small issues or conversations that occurred, ultimately contributing to the final blowout. However, your friend isn’t telling you all of these things. They are not sharing what they said, or what they did wrong, or the real reason behind the disagreement. They are only telling you what they want you to hear in the hopes that you’ll support them and be on their side.
Famed radio broadcaster Paul Harvey, now deceased, coined the phrase, “And now you know the REST of the story.” He gained popularity by investigating the two sides to every story, both in mainstream media and elsewhere. On his radio show, Harvey explained how the public was often manipulated into believing one theory of a conflict over another. While his show primarily focused on political and newsworthy issues dating back to World War II, his message was clear: as a friend, employee, or concerned person, it is wise to listen carefully to others, taking in all the information while recognizing that you might not be getting all the facts. There’s always more to every story than one person tends to share.
Since we don’t always know both sides of a relationship story, sometimes it is best to simply listen and support our friends through their relationship trials and emotional upsets. Far too often, if we rush to take sides with our friend, we end up saying things that will be held against us when the couple eventually makes up. One way to be responsible and dependable as a friend—and to appear wise—is often to keep our own opinions to ourselves, knowing full well that we are only hearing half of the real problem. Of course, this is hard to do, especially when friends show up at 3 a.m. after a blowout with their spouse. Even so, showing support doesn’t mean you have to immediately choose sides (or ever). Instead, just offer your ears and your arms to hug.
Another idea when hearing a tumultuous account of a relationship issue is to listen and then ask questions. Sometimes, as someone who is not directly involved in the situation and sits outside the epicenter of the conflict, you can ask questions and engage in conversation that might help your friend see the situation more clearly—or even help them remove the veil that keeps them from seeing both sides of the story.
Keep in mind that when someone is venting to you about a co-worker, spouse, lover, or friend, they are coming from a place of anger and hurt. Under these conditions, it’s difficult for them to be realistic and practical. The best way to help them, aside from listening, is to avoid choosing sides too quickly, and not to fan the flames of animosity, anger, and pain more than necessary. It’s also important to remember that as days pass, and your friend’s feelings are repaired and the relationship problem is solved, anything negative you said in the heat of the moment can—and will—be used against you. Your friend will remember what you said about their boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse, and in the back of their mind, they may feel resentful that you hold those opinions about someone they care about.
The truth is, speaking too soon and judging too quickly when you only have half the story is a double-edged sword that will always come back to bite you.
