Are you the one that is always forgetting special events in your life such as anniversaries and birthdays of loved ones? You might remember a few weeks ahead of time that a special day is coming up, but then easily dismiss it into the black hole of your mind where it sits for an eternity. Then, on that special day, you feel like the horses arse because you are the only one who doesn’t have a present for your wife, or mom – or who forgot an anniversary. Now, you are in BIG TROUBLE.
Bottom line is that thepeople in your life that you care about want to be remembered. If your Dear Aunt Sally from across the world can remember the day you were born, and sends a card with $10 in it every stinking year – the least you can do is repay the favor. Most people don’t expect fancy gifts or extravagance on special days, but want to be treated with an air of specialty that makes them feel loved and secure. The saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words,” and your inability to remember a birthday speaks volumes for how you feel about the other people who share your world. And, it’s sort of egocentric and selfish to say the least. You expect this behavior from a 4 year old who hardly knows what month it is, but you don’t expect it from adults.
In fairness, if you have forgotten that special someone’s birthday, and are in the midst of a life crisis or something major, you can get off the hook. But otherwise, there is no excuse for forgetting important dates in your life. Here’s why!
First of all – how many cell phones do you have. Do you have email, or a computer? Do you utilize an Ipod, or Ipad, or Kindle or any other technologically advanced piece of equipment? Each and every one of these things comes pre-equipped with a calendar. If it doesn’t, you can easily download one in like 15 seconds. And, with these calendars, you can easily pencil in all the important dates of the year from birthdays and anniversaries to when its time to get your teeth cleaned. Furthermore, you set reminders for these events, so that you receive some sort of ‘string on finger’ reminder that the day is forthcoming. If you don’t have a computerized version of a calendar, then take a trip to Wal-Mart and spend $2 and buy a pocket calendar. In around 10 minutes, you can easily have all the data entered for the entire year. This last approach may be archaic, but it works.
It’s not rocket science. If you cannot rely on yourself to remember these dates – then ask your mom, brother, sister or cousin if they would email you reminders for these events. Every family has a secretarial type of person who never forgets a thing – pay him or her if you have to.
This way, not only can you remember the dates but you can schedule something special for those dates as well. It’s absolutely ridiculous to try and make anniversary reservations at a nice restaurant on the day of your anniversary. It’s risky to spend your lunch hour out shopping on the day of an event. And it’s just plain rude. If you have the time to schedule your hair appointments or golf game a week in advance, then these special days should not be a problem. Funny, but most of the ultimate forgetters are able to remember all the other important details of their life!
It’s called priorities and the people in your life should make the list.
Sadly, if you are married to the ultimate forgetter, you have probably become accustomed to their selfish behavior and lack of consideration for celebrating YOU. And, that is part of the problem. If you write your husband or wife, significant other, parent or child off as flighty and scatter brained – you are enabling this behavior. Instead, you should be forthright about it. Bottom line, it hurts – even if your mom is a basket case. It hurts when she forgets your birthday. Tell them how you feel, and don’t accept their second handed approaches to make up for something. Your birthday was yesterday not TODAY. The least you could have had was a hand written note that said, “Happy Birthday.” Or a phone call.
And, another truth is this. Everyone wants to be celebrated. How difficult is it really to take 15 minutes to exert some effort into celebrating someone else in your life? The lack of desire (or remembrance) to do is extremely hurtful and is just one of the signs that there is a lack of respect in the relationship. And a lack of respect for others from the moron who forgets who everything.
Heck, if know that you forget things than call 1-800-FLOWERS and pre-order some flowers. Most gift giving companies also have reminder services that will send you a text message before the big day. Utilize it. This way, all you have to do is respond YES and you will be a hero for remembering someone else. And more importantly, for making someone else in your life – feel special. Everybody wants to feel special.
So, what’s your excuse going to be this year? How many more times do you think you can use the, “I forgot,” or “I’m just so busy,” card to explain why you didn’t spend 15 minutes for the sake of someone else? Eventually, as stated before – your actions will speak louder than your words. And your actions are saying that you really don’t prioritize other people, or think much of their feelings. Sad.
If this is a problem for you, check out sites like www.birthdayalarm.com. Right now. Before you forget. If you know a forgetter – send them this article so they can sign up for the service (for free). Bottom line is there really is no excuse. Not anymore.
44 Responses
I had a friend tell me it was his birthday and i made something special for him. I toldl him mine was like two weeks later. He completely forgot, no phone ccall, nothing. This is the third year in a row i have had a depressing birthday cuz i moved away from home and i just get texts and FB wishes and a phone call.
This guy is a good person and its not his job to make sure I have something to do on my birthday, but the sting of him forgetting really hurt. i wrestled with confronting cuz i don’t want to sound like some pouty narcissist, but it hurt, and i felt dissed. I didn’t need “gifts and stuff”, just to feel special and remembered, but I got nothing.
I don’t know why but sinced I moved away from my hometown, I am extra sensitive on my birthday.
these special days will came once, we should never forget them
I was supposed to look after my neighbors dog, but I totally forgot, and now she doesn’t really trust me. God, I am just too stupid. I couldn’t even remember to put a stupid reminder in my phone. AFTER SHE REMINDED ME LIKE THREE TIMES!!!
I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t trust you to water my plants let alone take care of my pet. I wondering why did you commit to doing something as important as caring for a helpless animal if you are so forgetful??? THAT’S IRRESPONSIBLE! I would not trust you after that. Instead of calling yourself stupid, why not make a therapy appointment and find out what’s going on with you? There could be several reasons for why you are forgetting. A good therapist can help you find out why and teach you skills to improve, although, you do admit that you have tools in your tool box and, even with prompting, it’s not important enough for you to stop what you’re doing for even one minute and use them.
Birthdays are important to remember my wife forgot mine for the second time in a row and i saw it comming that is the worst part, but my work colleagues made it special though. There are always other people in your life that you can depend on.
My boyfriend I have been living with forgot our 5year anniversary,but he was all ready to go visit his best buddy and go buy something for his wife’s birthday,but no special plans for me😰should I be angry and upset?
My husband has forgotten our anniversary, my birthday, and Christmas for three years now. But he goes out of his way to create really intricate drawings for his collabs in the Online art community. I saw a message on his IPad( he had left it on the table I was sitting at and I glanced)that said ‘my wife’s birthday is coming up and I need ideas of what to draw’ I assumed it was him asking his friends or something for ideas for a drawinghe was making me for my birthday. I felt bad for seeing it but anticipated a cool drawing from him. I assumed wrong. I got my hopes up for nothing. Then a few weeks later I saw a post he made for a fellow artist ‘Happy Birthday Ananna’. Boy did that burn.
This is offending. I have a crappy memory for numbers, dates, etc. Can’t remember my mother’s date to save my life, or any of my family’s birthdays. I don’t remember how old my parents or and am actually starting to forget even my own age. See, I’m vey good with words and languages, but numbers just alude me.
So basically I’m a horrible person who doesn’t care about my mother just because I can’t remember her birth date no matter how many times I celebrate it?
Why did you click on this then? just so you could come and complain about being butthurt? if you have bad memory, that’s something YOU need to work on in your own time, but don’t go out searching for reasons to be mad at an author, this isn’t some personal attack on you. You missed the entire point of the article.
Uh, yeh because you obviously CHOOSE to not use the tools in front of your very face- you know, the one you’re typing on- to help you remember, like the article said, like any decent human would do.
You are making excuses for your lack of concern for other people. You are attacking and playing the victim here. You seem personally offended so there must be something about this article that set off a nerve. Have other people commented on what they feel is your insensitivity??? I suspect that other family members know your mother’s birthday and will probably be happy to tell you when that is, along with other important family dates. A simple phone call, along with a piece of paper and a pen should fill in the blanks. All you have to do is put it in your calendar along with an event reminder. So, no excuse.
You are not worthless. This is a stupid article written by a non professional who knows nothing about diversity in people. Anyone who feels they are entitled to be celebrated just because of some made up holidays for retailing is the selfish one. We shouldn’t have to spend every dime we have and all our spare time on appeasing people just because we might hurt their feelings for not celebrating their existence.
I totally agree that this is offensive. There are many people who have neurological conditions whose symptoms include struggling to remember dates etc . This does NOT mean that they don’t care or that these dates aren’t important to them, just that some people have difficulties which make it harder to get organised. The tool suggested here is a good idea and might help some people but its important not to judge everyone as ‘uncaring’ for forgetting dates. People can be ‘uncaring’ in the way that they label people too!
… Who HURT you? What sort of charmed existence do you have where someone forgetting your birthday is the cause of this much derision?
The writer of this article really needs to learn what “egocentric” means, and maybe lower the selfish entitlement tab a few notches. Forgetting things happens. Sometimes forgetting things happens A LOT for some people, regardless of what technology they have at their disposal. REAL. LIFE. HAPPENS. And it largely doesn’t revolve around you or your darn birthday, especially if you’re an adult.
Some people are just naturally more forgetful, or have more important things going on in their own lives to remember something as, honestly, inane as a birthday from time to time. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, and that sort of thinking is harmful for your relationships. Yes, people like to feel remembered and cared about, but does it only count on that ONE day of the year? Really? If your self-worth, or your standards for other people are so low that you’re going to viciously judge someone for forgetting a birthday then maybe people are avoiding you on purpose. If you birthday is that important to you, and you’re worried people might forget, maybe drop them a hint a week in advance, and leave a reminder of your own to get over yourself if someone forgets.
You, Erin, are the one who needs to get over herself with the lame excuses to justify selfish conduct on the part of others. I find your post highly offensive and agree with the writer. There is NO excuse! I will be forever grateful to my parents who insisted from a very young age that I remember ALL birthdays of family members and family friends. They taught me to mentally go through the 12-months of the year and remember the respective birthdays within a given month. And yes, they themselves remembered everyone’s birthday without fail. Further, they remembered the date(s) of death and sent a remembrance to the living on the date(s) of departure. My parents were strict taskmasters and demanded concern for others before self. It is a cherished legacy; one often dismissed in current times. The irony is that YOU are an individual who is self-centered and has the unmitigated audacity to defend herself. The more I think about your response, the more irate I become. Despicable. Do you forget important dates in your worklife, and then attempt a defense to your colleagues and/or superiors? If you are working, it’s a good thing that you do not work for me. I would not tolerate that conduct or your attitude. Yes, I come from an upper echelon military background. I am proud, responsible, and self-deprecating when I do err; but that is not attributable to sanctioned forgetfulness. Go about your way with your lame justification and may God bless you. Nobody else will. I mean every word I have written. It is my 71st birthday and I am blessed to surround myself with others who share my views. Thank you for your time. And no, I am neither senile nor otherwise impaired.
Elizabeth
So because of how you were raised you expect everyone else to live up to your standard? I can’t remember birthdays AT ALL, and I do have a learning disability but I also have an degree in computer engineering which requires a lot of math. My parents didn’t sit down and spend hours with me as a child teaching me how to remember birthdays and honestly that just sounds odd. Don’t expect everyone else in the world to be exactly like you and definitely don’t shame them for it. You are just as hateful and selfish as the writer.
I realize this is an old article and comment, but I just had to give my two cents!
Firstly, I think this article is one gigantic, sweeping generalization. The moral of this article is that people who forget birthdays/important occasions are lazy, uncaring, and selfish. However, this is way too vague, and completely devoid of context. The particular circumstances of each situation surrounding this topic are so varied. People are forgetful for different reasons; career changes/instability, mental/physical health issues, and countless other factors can affect one’s ability to remember certain things. So this article has missed the mark completely when it comes to offering constructive insight on remembering dates.
This article is nothing more than one big blame and shame game. The author could have encouraged a healthy thought process that would help others both overcome forgetfulness, and cope with being forgotten. Instead, this author influenced others to remain in a toxic dialogue with their loved ones.
In my opinion, there are certain circumstances in which forgetting a birthday/anniversary repeatedly constitutes negligence and selfishness. That is in the extreme cases, though. The majority of the time, people are well-meaning, they genuinely care, but they just can’t retain that information. Some may not be able to utilize the technology mentioned in this article, and others may have deficits that even a paper calendar cannot compensate for. This article assumes, despite those legitimate reasons one would forget, that they are just lazy and uncaring. That is simply not the reality in every single instance.
There is an important difference between an excuse and a legitimate reason. Having an excuse for a negative action implies that it needs to be justified. A reason, IS that justification. A person can claim that your reason is merely an excuse, but that doesn’t negate the legitimacy of the reason. It just means that they refuse to accept your legitimate reason.
It’s all a very confusing matter of opinion, perspective, and feelings. Opinions aren’t right or wrong, they’re just opinions. The author is of the opinion that the only reason that would excuse forgetting a special date is a major life trauma, health issue, death in the family,. etc. My opinion is very different, I believe that people can innocently forget a birthday even though they care very deeply for the person and that it doesn’t make them lazy or selfish.
It’s concerning to me that this person is influencing other people’s relationships based on their opinions. Free speech, and all that jazz is great, but it’s a shame that some people will actually take this to heart and accept it as fact, instead of slowing down and thinking for themselves. It’s evident to me that the principles in this article were derived from bitterness and anger, and either feeling extremely neglected, or just plain entitled. Whatever inspired this rant, I genuinely hope that issue has been resolved and that the author can be more forgiving in the future.
I hope that we can all become better about remembering those around us on their special day(s), and I hope that our relatives and love ones will become more patient and understanding with us when we do make a mistake.
It is a matter of respect. Pure and simple. Regardless of life circumstances. If you forget your significant others birthday, anniversary, etc… There is one erson who is pulling the weight. Life circumstances happen. Coming from an extremely large family, with many life happenings as I grew up, my parents, who are married for 57 years this year, MADE it a priority to celebrate the small moments when we could. To not forget the importance of eachother. That is the point. Respect, love and gratitude. Celebration.
When a person can’t stop and get themselves out of their own bs enough to focus on their person or family member… For one moment to just remember them… In a moment of joy. Then, well… A conversation should be had. If it continues and the behavior doesn’t change… It just shows how little they respect the other person’s feelings, wants and needs. When that happens and change doesn’t occur, then you may as well walk away. Selfishness is something that can’t be fixed unless a person truly wants it. That takes a life altering event.
Anne, thank you for defending the topic that forgetting birthdays and important dates is unacceptable.
Your line: “If it continues and the behavior doesn’t change it just shows how little they respect the other person’s feelings. . . ”
I finally walked away from the love of my life for never making us a priority; let alone forget my birthday for 5 years in a row. I made excuses, understood, and had empathy for him. We both own our separate businesses so are equally busy, but I always prioritized him and his special days. If he were hungry I would prepare frozen meals so that he would eat when he got home from his office; if he had a legal problem, I would handle it – no questions asked. Whatever he needed, it was always me that did the muscle work.
My birthday was January 17. He sent me a lame text on the 18 – completely unaware that he had forgotten my birthday again. When it was revealed he said he was embarrassed that he forgot again – and my response was that it’s apparent that I am not part of his world so he’s not expected to remember.
After about a month, I had a bad CT scan and realized that I do not have time for this type of treatment so I officially walked away. I told him that he will never change and I just don’t have room in my life for ghosters and people who can’t do a simple thing like remember my birthday, or reciprocate love.
So I don’t care how “busy” someone is: you remember birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, etc. It’s about recognition of special people in our lives — and if one can’t muster the strength to do that — I know that I am low on their totem pole. The hurt of unrequited love is apparent when someone ignores the day that you were brought into this world.
Some of the posts on here about us feeling ‘spoiled’ or ‘narcissistic’ are abhorrent. We are not. We just want to be treated the same as the people that we love and the disappointment is like a kick in the gut when we bend over backwards for others.
Again, I am a very busy woman. I own a business, I am dealing with cancer, but I STILL crank out birthday cards and Christmas cards. For my paperless friends, they will get a text. It’s about acknowledgment.
In this messed up world, remembering the birthday of someone is the least we could do. Please pray to your higher power for peace.
I don’t think this article is about “one” mistake. Sure, Sh-It happens. We all have times when we are overloaded and this article does mention this isn’t about that. This is about douche bag that somehow forgets (meaning never remembers) to acknowledge the special moments of other people that are close to them. The narcissistic father that forgets his kid’s birthday every year, that type of thing. The inconsiderate spouse who constantly forgets his wife’s birthday and their anniversary, etc. You know, things that honor someone you love, things that show you are a loving and considerate human being. If you’re feeling defensive about it…you might wanna ask yourself why.
The idea here is to show people that they’re special. To take a bit of time out from your own selfish needs to make another person feel loved, not for other people to remind you that you should love them. The fact that you feel judged because you don’t seem to understand the difference speaks volumes.
Everyone chooses to be offended or not!! Poor you for someone not remembering your birthday!! Poor them for offending you!!
Pepperidge Farms remembers
You sound like someone used to getting and giving bread crumbs. Truly sorry for you.
LOL, people who are arguing and mad are mad that the author has a point. Stop being so sensitive because if you are you’re MISSING THE POINT. The point isn’t that you’re horrible because you aren’t good with dates. The point is that with modern technology you DON’T HAVE TO BE. THE TECH CAN REMEMBER IT FOR YOU, so all you need to do is get the information ONCE and let the tech do the remembering for you. It’s so much easier now than for people who lived before this was possible. So if you’re too lazy or careless to even set a freaking reminder in your phone or on your Google calendar or check social media like Facebook, then yeah, you kind of suck.
Good point Nat. But here’s the deal … I have a hard time ‘seeing the point’ of an article that is riddled with typos, misspelled words and grammatical errors. If the writer is too lazy to take 5 seconds to proofread his work, or to use the tools available that are programmed in every device in existence today, then yeah, that writer and his article, line-up suck. It’s a matter of respect. For the reader and for himself. It takes 5 seconds!!! It’s their job!! This article is nonsense. Respect yourself, and don’t accept rhetoric that isn’t even respected by the person who wrote it.
{insert applause}
No they don’t “kind of” suck. They do suck. And they’ve been told as much.
This may be the absolute most overly dramatic thing that I have ever read. My fiancé and I are both fire fighter/EMTs, not only is our jobs dangerous but we see the worst of the worst. There are a lot worse things in life that can happen in relationships (friendships, family) than forgetting a damn date! Like them leaving home and never coming home bc they’re dead. Realize what’s really important! Time with your loved ones, not a date on a calendar
Well said. I couldn’t agree with you more.
Yes, that’s what we are talking about here, quality time with loved ones. Letting them know that they’re special. You almost got it; just a little bit twisted in your head. Yes, life is short and precious, so carpe diem, seize THEIR day! Maybe you missed it but I do believe that the article gave an out for dire circumstances, like the eccentric hours of EMT. Celebrations in those circumstances call for planning ahead and some flexibility, but it can be done. And that doesn’t mean there’s no time for a phone call. From personal observation, EMT’s loiter in parking lots waiting for emergency calls. Why not utilize that time? BTW, did you know that many EMT’s a psychopaths??? It’s the lack of fear response in the limbic system that makes it hard to get a rush; that’s why the attraction to extreme things that normal people avoid. But you arlready knew that, didn’t you? Just sayin.
I remember other people’s birthdays (and REAL remember because I STILL do not have a smart phone). However I don’t remember my own. I get annoyed when other people bother me on whatever day mine is supposed to be too, because it’s Tuesday to me, and I have crap to get done, or I’m at work, or whatever, it’s not important to me and no one should be bothering me about it!
Until, oops, I somehow got a year older. Also, still leave me to get things done.
Should I… should I be upset at myself? Should I no longer trust myself?
So you’re still using landline. No problem. They have this thing called voicemail. You don’t have to pick up the phone, just let the message go to VM when you need to focus on something else. So, that’s not much of an excuse. You don’t say if you actually contact people on their birthday, only that you remember. If you are contacting them, I suggest that you stop, because they may very well think birthdays are important to you and are returning the favor, giving you the level of concern that you give to them. As far as their contacting you, I’m sure that if you express your feelings of annoyance that they won’t do it again.
The real question here is why you care enough about other people to remember their birthdays but don’t care enough about yourself? I don’t know if you should be “upset” at yourself. But your lack of genuine feeling and concern about yourself is worth an appointment with a good therapist, IMHO.
Guess the firefighter husband forgot your birthday.
Hi Lilly. First of all, let me say I totally get where you’re coming from. And NO you’re not a horrible person just because you forget dates. This guy is a dufus. He has no credibility whatsoever. This article is pure gibberish. There are so many holes in this article and in his reasoning. Not to mention all of the typos and grammatical errors. (There’s NO excuse for that! He’s a writer!! It’s his job!!) Do I have to write an entire article about the myriad of tools available to avoid these things as a reminder for him? Forget all the tools … How about old fashioned proof reading?? There’s a “tool” that obviously is no longer used by writers. Instead they, like this guy, publish their articles and expect us to view them as something other than the nonsense that they are. They clearly don’t value their own work enough to take three minutes to proofread it before posting it. If they don’t care about what they put out, why should we? They obviously don’t value the reader either. They don’t care that we end up reading – then rereading – sentences, trying to make sense of what we just read. Because there are words that are missing, spelled incorrectly, or used incorrectly. In this article, see the paragraph that starts out “And, another truth is this. The entire article is elementary at best. The writer spent zero time writing it and even less time researching it. He just sat down and spewed it out in five seconds. He obviously is too busy to proofread it. It’s all nonsense. DO NOT judge yourself – or anyone else – based on this senseless rhetoric.
(No offense, but apparently you’re not that good with words either. First of all, the correct word eluded you. (Not aluded) Secondly, the incorrect word you used was spelled incorrectly. (It’s allude, not alude.) I’m not judging, just saying …)
This is pretty myopic in regards to the variety of the human experience. Birthdays are not important to all people, or all cultural backgrounds, and there’s a variety of other ways people can show they care about each other. I’d rather not have friends and family members feign caring about me if they really don’t, and likewise I don’t want to be dishonest and do the same for others. This becomes especially difficult if you were raised in a Catholic family where no one believed in birth control, so you have 8 aunts and uncles, plus 40 cousins to keep track of. I’m numerically challenged in every way when it comes to dates, and can’t even remember the exact numbers of my parents’ and sister’s birthdays, nor my own half the time, despite my best efforts. Turns out, chronic mental illness and PTSD take a huge toll on your memory and executive function, and can leave you nothing but an empty cup from which you have nothing to pour for others, and nothing to pour for yourself. I pray that the life I’ve lived will never be inflicted upon the author, and pray that the author finds peace and perspective.
I recently had a birthday and both of my kids (16 and 19) either forgot or chose not to acknowledge it. It felt pretty terrible. I’m not going to say anything about it to them unless they ask. But it was a real punch in the guts.
I personally feel like there’s a lack of empathy for others and it’s becoming worse as society becomes more fractured and divisive. It’s almost as if the reasons to celebrate each other are becoming far and few between. Myself, I choose to celebrate the people in my life. Always do. So it’s probably why not being acknowledged or celebrated by my own kids felt so harsh.
I just wish I knew why. If it’s because of something I did or didn’t do, I’d like to correct it. Or at the very least understand.
So wait you’re upset with people days, but those are your kids, meaning you raised them that way
Did you consider all the things 16 and 19 yos have to rember, what about all that school stuff, that 19yo is probably thinking about exams and classes, that 16yo is probably thinking about tests, colleges, driving, lots of stuff up there, they haven’t reached the point where life is a routine for the long run, each year is still different for them
You also seem to be placing too much emphasis on just the one day, why only one day, it’s a bit of asinine thinking ain’t it?
Additionally so they forgot, big whoop, it doesn’t mean they don’t care, why don’t you trust your kids, you should really trust that they care for you and not let you insecurities cloud your judgment, lastly you really should withhold til they ask, because 1. You’re setting your own kids up for failure by administratoring a test they don’t know they’re taking part in
2. You’re just using it as a reason to guilt you children
Teach them if you want their behavior to change, tell them where they went wrong, and explain that you want them to do better, use your words, you don’t need to punish them, they’ll probably feel bad about it, don’t be such a child
Sixteen year olds and nineteen year olds are still in that self absorbed and narcissistic stage of life. You know, the “I know more than everyone else even though I’ve never actually experienced anything” stage. They won’t hit maturity for a few more years. So, yeah, kids can be kinda douchy but, hopefully, someday, all the years of parenting starts to kick in and they snap out of it. Kids today are under extreme pressures that previous generations were not, all the while going through more neoteny then ever before. It’s a bizarre mix that’s contributing to suicide. So, you might want to cut them a bit of slack. Just cross your fingers and hope they come out of it OK. If you raised them right, taught them empathy through development, they have a higher chance at becoming kind and empathetic human beings in the future.
This is a late comment, but I feel like this article could’ve been written in a lot more constructive way than it is.
Basically, the author labels people with a poor memory for dates who don’t remember birthdays and other important dates as selfish and lazy, and they say that remembering birthdays is something simple and necessary. I have a couple feelings about this.
On one hand, I disagree with the author’s generalization about the sorts of people who forget birthdays. To me, birthdays are just days we assign value to because that’s the calendar day we were born on; I don’t feel that dates are related to actual people in any way. As someone who chronically forgets birthdays, I can say 100% that I do care about PEOPLE, but I just don’t care about (and can’t track) dates. I will admit I’m selfish to a point, like all people, and I value my own comfort, but not enough that I’d purposefully forget people’s birthdays and not do something if I’d known; it literally just slips my mind. I literally can’t do something I had no idea I should’ve done. Really, I’d say in most cases, there’s just a difference in priorities; some people care about special dates like birthdays and keeping track of them, and others just don’t care what the day of the week is. That’s fine.
On the other hand though, (and this is where I think the author could have been more constructive), I do agree that if you do know how important birthdays are to certain people in your life, even if you really just don’t mind that much, making an effort to remember is the right thing to do, though not because of some weird “don’t be selfish!1!!1” thing, but just because that’s how it is sometimes.
I’d say a more constructive way to explain the importance of remembering birthdays is that if something is really important to someone you love, like going to a concert for example, or maybe doing a weird hobby, even if you don’t really care for it, you do it anyways just because you love them. That’s how I treat birthdays; I don’t really give a crap about some random day, but because I’ve noticed that some of my loved ones really value birthdays and see them as part of their identity, and they got hurt in the past when I forgot them, I’ve decided to use my phone calendar and reminders so that I can remember them in the future. In this sense, I think the author’s advice about technology (calendars, reminders, flower service thing) could have actually been helpful, though unfortunately in practice they were way too rude, demeaning, and condescending to properly help anyone.
TLDR; not remembering dates doesn’t automatically make people uncaring or toxic, it usually just means they can’t remember dates. The best way to go about this article would’ve just been to explain why remembering birthdays is so important to some people, and maybe how to apologize and some tips on how to remember in the future. Not this condescending mess.
Wow, this is far more constructive way of talking about this situation than the article. Thanks for sharing, Ami!
Nobody except my mother usually remembers my birthday, and one time she forgot. That’s okay, because I’m used to being solo, and I learned to enjoy my own company. I don’t remember other people’s birthdays either, but they probably don’t even think about me so they likely don’t miss my absence. No hard feelings. Live and let live. Treat every day as a special day and you too will see that your own birthdays really aren’t a big deal. But the gift of living each and every day above ground is a big deal. Not just one day, but every day. PS -today really is the day I was born quite a few years ago. If my mom forgets, I’ll probably be a little hurt for just a bit, then I’ll get over it and go on. Just happy that she’s still here. Make every day in your heart a special day, not just one.
I wonder if digital calendars really mean there’s “no” excuse for forgetting something? I’m unfortunate enough that my eyes “glaze over” certain things. If someone sends me a notification – a text message or invite – I may never see it. Even though there’s an alarm, a custom ringtone, and a notification as soon as I turn on my phone, I don’t see it.
When doing applications, I managed to misspell “week” as “weak” nearly 5 times in a row, and even when looking it over multiple times, I never caught it. I’ve plastered sticky notes, notifications, and reminders for deadlines, yet I’ve still managed to mix up Nov 1 with Nov 15.
I don’t know what my mom likes. I’ve asked her before, and she merely shrugs with “whatever you give me is fine”. She has no hobbies, only working and watching sitcoms with the expression a person has when they’re only watching something to pass the time. Does it make me at fault for not knowing what she likes, then?
This is a very late reaction but I have to say it. This article is kind of garbage. Every one of my friends has forgotten my birthday on or the other time. My brother reminds my father to remember my birthday and sometimes he asks how old I am. He’s not old and senile. It just happens. To everyone. I have adhd, so has my partner. We both even don’t know the oh so magical date when we started our relationship. And maybe it’s because we both know the struggle to think of important dates even though we are using calendars, that we are much more forgiving. If a friend calls me after he forgot my stupid birthday, he clearly must have been thinking of me, missing me and wanting to get in touch. Love is shown in so many ways all year around.
Forgetting something is not under the control of a person. That’s why it is called “forgetting” and not “ignoring it on purpose”. Instead of being mad and pretending you have never forgotten anything, you could call your friend and ask him how he’s doing. Most if the time they will tell you things that explain everything. Like last time when I talked to a very good friend whom I saw few days before my birthday when je couldn’t talk. He said: It’s your birthday soon, I will call you. He forgot. Found out his mom got cancer. Be kind and forgiving. That’s the best rule to live by. Buddha taught the same.