If you can reach back in your memory to grade school, you might recall the lesson about the tube of toothpaste. Your teacher or counselor likely stood before you with a brand-new tube of the best Colgate money could buy and asked a lucky volunteer to squeeze all the gel out of the tube. Once it was empty, they would hand the empty container back to you and ask you to put all the toothpaste back in! As you stood there, staring at them as if they had lost their mind, they would say, “This toothpaste represents your words. Once you say them, you can’t take them back!” Lesson learned! Or was it?
In relationships, there comes a point when holding your tongue becomes difficult. Instead of toothpaste, you might need something like Kaopectate to control what is often called “diarrhea of the mouth.” Still, there are certain things you should never say when arguing with someone you love—especially if you want to maintain a peaceful life.
“Don’t call me stupid!” Chances are, you didn’t even say those exact words, but in your spouse’s eyes, you might as well have cheered out the letters S-T-U-P-I-D. Many statements can be mistaken for calling someone stupid, including: “What were you thinking?”, “Are you insane?”, “That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard!”, “Were you born yesterday?”, “Don’t you know any better than that?”, “Are you retarded?”, and “What kind of fool would do something like that?” If you think something your loved one did was foolish, you might communicate that without saying it outright. Additionally, you should never engage in a conversation that starts, ends, or implies any sort of “I told you so!”
No matter how long you have been together or married, you should never threaten, wave around, or speak of divorce unless you genuinely plan to do so. If you’re about to scream in haste that you want to leave, make sure you have somewhere to go first. In the heat of an argument, if you want nothing more than for your spouse to move out, it might feel good to yell “GET OUT!” and slam the door. Unfortunately, that’s a door that can be hard to reopen. Once you mention the word “divorce”—whether you meant it or not—it will linger forever in your partner’s mind and will likely be thrown back in your face later.
It’s also wise to avoid hurtful comments about weight, sexual performance, or confidence issues. If your wife has gained 45 pounds or your husband has developed a dependency on Viagra, they are likely aware of their shortcomings. Making such comments serves no purpose other than to hurt, and once the damage is done, it becomes difficult to resurrect the love. Remarks like these, spoken in anger, can plant seeds of distrust and insecurity that reach far beyond the moment.
Regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, leave mom out of the picture. Your mother-in-law may be a raving lunatic who undermines everything you do. She may even stick her tongue out at you when your husband turns away. But bringing her name into the conversation will force your partner to choose sides. Many women lose out to their mother-in-law in the end, and the same goes for men. If you cannot stand your wife’s mother and think she has serious psychological issues, NEVER tell your wife she is “just like her mother!” Remember, during a fight, you don’t need to involve loved ones. If there are issues in this area, save them for a time when emotions are calmer, perhaps right after sex.
You should also refrain from using someone else’s spouse as an example of anything great. Phrases like “Bill’s wife doesn’t care if he goes out for drinks,” “Sam’s husband brings her chocolates and roses every other week,” or “I wish I had a husband/wife like so-and-so” are not good strategies during a fight. This is nearly as detrimental as having an affair with the person you mentioned.
When it comes to fighting with a spouse, it can be hard to remember your toothpaste lesson from elementary school. The problem is that your heart gets so involved in your emotions that it’s difficult to separate what you feel in the moment from your overall feelings. Additionally, your history together complicates the situation, making it challenging to differentiate this fight from all the others that came before. This can lead to significant miscommunication between men and women. Both of you likely have such a deep comfort level with each other that you automatically assume you know what the other person really means or says. You don’t. If you spend your time reading into the words and phrases your spouse uses, you’ll end up hurt and more inclined to fight back fiercely. The wounds caused by words can last a long time.
If you feel yourself about to lose control or become very upset, try taking a timeout. With as much tact as possible, saying “I am too angry to talk about this right now” is always a safe approach. Don’t mistake this as avoidance or dismissiveness, like an eye roll and a simple “whatever,” which indicates you don’t care. Just take some time to gather your thoughts. The same goes if you’re on the receiving end of the “don’t call me stupid” comments. If you see it coming, do your best to diffuse the situation and save the discussion for another time. Two people who love each other rarely fight fair. Yet remember that when you love someone, the argument isn’t about winning or losing; it’s about finding a resolution and working through the fog to achieve a clearer understanding.