Marriage Advice

Things Not to Say When Arguing

If you can reach back in your file and recall one of those lessons you learned in grade school, you will recall the one about the tube of toothpaste. Your teacher or counselor probably stood before you with a brand spanking new tube of the best Colgate money could buy and asked some lucky volunteer to push all the gel from the tube. Then, when it was empty – they would hand the empty container back to you and ask you to now put all the toothpaste back in! As you stood there looking at him as if he had lost his mind, he said ‘this toothpaste represents your words’.once you SAY them, you can’t take them back!’” Lesson learned! Or was it?

When it comes to relationships there comes a point when it becomes difficult to hold your tongue and rather than toothpaste, you need something like Kaopectate to control what is known as diarrhea of the mouth. Still, there are certain things you should never say when arguing with someone you love at least if you want to live a peaceful life.

‘don’t call me Stupid!’” Chances are you did not even say those words exactly but in the eyes of your spouse; you might as well have called out the letters S-T-U-P-I-D, like a cheerleader. Many things can be mistaken for calling someone stupid including, what were you thinking, are you insane, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard, were you born yesterday, don’t you know any better than THAT, are you retarded, what kind of fool would do something like that’…etc. If you think something that your loved one did was stupid, chances are you will let them know it without saying it exactly. You should also never engage in a conversation that starts, ends with, or implies any sort of ‘I told you so!’”

No matter how long you have been together or married you should also never threaten, waive, or speak of divorce or leaving unless you are really planning to do so. If you are about to scream in haste that you want to leave you might want to make sure you have somewhere to go first. And if in the heat of an argument you want nothing more than for your spouse to take up residence elsewhere it might feel good to scream ‘GET OUT’” and slam the door. Unfortunately, that is a door that can be hard to reopen. Once you mention the divorce word whether you meant it or not, it will linger forever in the head of your partner. Down the road, it will no doubt be thrown back up in your face many times.

Staying away from hurtful comments that speak of weight, sexual performance, or confidence issues is also an intelligent choice. If your wife has gained 45 pounds or your husband has become addicted to Viagra they are both aware of their shortcomings. This serves no purpose but to hurt and once the damage is done, it becomes difficult to resurrect the love. Comments like this, spouted in anger cause insecurity in the relationship to seed branches of distrust and insecurity that can be far reaching.

Whether you are a man or a woman leave mom out of the picture. Your mother in law may be a raving lunatic who consciously undermines everything you do. She may stick her tongue out at you when your husband turns away. But bring up her name to your man and you will be forcing them to choose sides. Many women lose out to mom in the end. Same goes for men. If you cannot stand your wife’s mother despise her butting in and think she is a sea hag with some serious psychological issues of her own, NEVER tell your wife she is ‘just like her mother!’” Never! Remember in the midst of a fight, you don’t need to bring loved ones into the mix. If there are issues in this department, save them for a time when emotions are calmer and you can discuss them seriously like right after sex.

You also need to refrain from using someone else’s husband or wife as an example of anything great. ‘bill’s wife doesn’t care if he goes out for drinks,’” ‘sam’s husband brings her chocolates and roses every other week,’” or ‘I wish I had a husband/wife like so and so’” are not good ways to fight. This is almost as detrimental as having an affair with the person you mentioned.

When it comes to fighting with a spouse, it can be difficult to remember your toothpaste lesson from elementary school. The problem is that your heart is so involved in your emotions that it is difficult to decipher what you feel at the moment and what you feel overall. Additionally, your history together makes it difficult to make a clear-cut separation from this fight and all the other ones that came before. This can lead to huge miscommunications between men and women. Consider that both of you probably have such an innate comfort level with one another that you automatically ASSUME you know what the other person really means or says! You don’t. If you spend your time reading into the words and phrases your spouse uses, you will end up hurt and more inclined to fight back as fiercely. These wounds, caused by words cause a lot of pain and this pain, lasts for a long time to come.

If you are about to lose control of your mouth, or feel so upset by something transpiring between the two of you try to take a time out. With as much tact as possible, saying ‘I am too angry to talk about this right now’” is always a safe way to go. don’t mistake this backing out as avoidance or a simple eye rolled shrug and ‘“WHATEVER‘” which indicates you don’t care just try to get your thoughts together. Same goes if you are on the receiving end of the ‘don’t call me stupid’” lingo. If you see it coming, then try to diffuse the argument as best you can and save it for another time. Two people that love each other rarely fight fair. Yet, remember that when you love someone, the argument isn’t about winning or losing it is about finding a resolution and working through the fog to a clearer understanding.

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