Male, female, whatever—we all have our idea of the perfect mate. We want someone who is tall, dark, and handsome, or skinny, leggy, and blonde, or something in between. But this is where we first take a step down the wrong road. I’m not saying that looks don’t matter, because, of course, they do. However, you must remember that a partner is more than just arm candy. They are someone you want to be with for the long haul, and that takes more than good looks or a great smile. Here are some things you should be looking for:
- A Spark – I know it sounds cheesy, and there’s probably no scientific proof for the idea of love at first sight, but your brain does have an impression matrix that gives you your first gut feeling about a person. It might only take a few minutes of conversation, but you should be able to sense whether this person is someone you’d be comfortable with for the long run. If you have a sick feeling in your stomach or a vague urge to escape, by all means, trust your gut. Your instincts have probably picked up on something that feels off. It could be anything, but trust your gut. However, if you have butterflies and find yourself unable to pull away, that’s a good thing! Just make sure the spark is mutual before you dive in. How can you know for sure? Ask them! Honesty is always the best policy, especially if you want a relationship to last.
- Honesty and Trustworthiness – Speaking of honesty, you don’t want a partner who lies to you. If they lie on date one, you can be sure they’ll lie later on when there’s more at stake. Watch out for signs of dishonesty: contradictory stories, lack of eye contact, excessive eye contact, or a “fake” vibe. If you can’t trust them enough to leave your purse or wallet behind when you go to the restroom on date three, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. They should also keep their word—calling when they’re supposed to, showing up when they promise, and being diligent about dates and times. As time goes on, people often become more relaxed about these things, so if it’s bad now, it’s likely to get worse later. You don’t want to feel like you’re being blown off or that you’re the last thing on their mind.
- Communication Ability – Words matter. A lot. You may think it’s cute that they “listen so well” or “are shy” at first, but this will quickly fade into frustration and exhaustion as you’re left to do all the work in keeping the relationship going. Relationships are built on a foundation of communication. You’re not a mind reader—you need to talk to get to know each other, share likes and dislikes, and understand who you are inside. If they aren’t willing or able to engage in meaningful conversation, it’s time to move on. Make sure you’re not just engaging in small talk either. Relationships aren’t about shallow chatter. While not every conversation needs to be “deep,” sharing thoughts, feelings, and dreams is foundational. Make sure you’re able to discuss the hard topics, too—money, kids, family, embarrassing moments, failures, and so on. These are difficult subjects, but they form the core of life. You can’t avoid them forever if you hope to build a life together.
- A Sense of Humor – Speaking of communication, a crucial aspect of it is a sense of humor. I know everyone is different, but we all like to share a laugh with our partner. Making sure your humor is compatible is more important than you might think. After all, what is a relationship without laughter? If you love sarcasm and they prefer slapstick comedy, you may be in trouble.
- Give and Take – One personal pet peeve of mine is people who take all the time and never give, or give so infrequently and so little that it doesn’t really count. Some people are naturally more giving, while others tend to take more. However, making an effort to find a healthy balance should be a priority. You shouldn’t feel like you’re doing all the work to keep the relationship together, nor should you rely on your partner to do all the heavy lifting while you coast along. This doesn’t mean everything has to be split equally. Maybe one of you dislikes doing the dishes while the other dislikes washing the dog. That’s fine as long as you both agree the workload is balanced. Or perhaps one of you works all day while the other stays home and takes care of the household. That’s great, too—as long as you both appreciate that you’re each contributing to the relationship in your own way.
- Beauty Is in the Eye of the Beholder – Going back to my point at the beginning: don’t focus solely on physical appearance. While it’s okay to prefer someone with dark hair, blue eyes, or other features, you might miss out on a lot if that’s your only focus. Keep an open mind and look beyond the skin to the soul. As you fall in love with someone, they become more beautiful to you because you see the essence of who they are. It may sound like a mushy sentiment, but many studies have shown this to be true—those we love look better to us. Be open to new people and new ideas, so you can truly appreciate their inner beauty.
- Affection – Last but not least, you need a partner who is affectionate. Affection comes in many forms. Some of us enjoy cuddling and kissing, others prefer talking, some like receiving gifts, and others appreciate physical help or kind words. It’s up to you and what you need. The important thing is to find a partner who not only meets your needs but whose needs you can also fulfill. If they dislike kissing and you crave it, your relationship is already in trouble from the start. Similarly, if you like holding hands and they’re not comfortable with that, you might have a problem. Affection is expressed in different ways, both visible and invisible, and it plays a significant role in the connection between couples. Make sure you understand what you need and what you’re able to give before settling down.
As you can see, there are many things to look for in a partner. This list doesn’t even begin to cover everything, but it gives you a good starting point. Hopefully, you’ll be able to find what you’re looking for and build a strong, healthy relationship.
Author Bio:
Elizabeth Reed is a freelance writer and a resident blogger at Liveinnanny.org. She enjoys writing about parenting, childcare, health, and wellness. Additionally, she is an expert consultant on issues related to household management and kids.
