Often, the dream of having a large family can be squashed by the constant sounds of sibling bickering. It feels like you can’t go anywhere with your family or walk into a room where the kids are gathered without immediately needing to arm yourself with a referee shirt and whistle. And let’s be honest, moderating irrational arguments between siblings can be not just exhausting, but downright frustrating.
Unfortunately, it’s often the older sibling belittling the younger one that causes the most strife. Older brothers and sisters are often born with the bossy gene, making them a natural fit for being an absolute and constant annoyance to their younger siblings. They think that the younger ones should follow their directions and their rules. Quite often, the bickering seems more like bullying, and parents feel compelled to step in, worried that the younger family members will be irreparably damaged by the negative verbal onslaught older siblings tend to dish out.
When Should Parents Step In?
The question is: when should parents step in to help, and when should they allow the siblings to work things out on their own? Many parents are looking for tips on dealing with sibling bickering in the home. Various studies have shown that children in households with multiple kids tend to develop social skills more quickly, learn how to stand up for themselves, and acquire better communication skills than those without brothers and sisters. All that bartering for Mom and Dad’s attention—and, let’s be honest, the last piece of fried chicken—teaches kids a thing or two about how to succeed and get what they want in life.
However, growing up with an older sibling who is constantly berating or belittling you can also hurt self-confidence.
Sibling rivalries and bickering, while normal parts of family life, are most often caused by jealousy. One kid may feel like the other is getting “more.” And it really doesn’t matter what that “more” is—it could be more attention, more love, more toys, or more praise. Older kids, especially, can feel left out when a younger sibling arrives on the scene and may believe that parents are favoring the younger one. An older child doesn’t always understand that a younger child or toddler may need more attention or assistance, which can lead to jealousy.
As a parent, if the bickering and rivalry seem to be getting worse, it may be time to reflect on whether you’re contributing to the problem. Set aside some time to spend with each child individually. Make sure you’re not overlooking the needs of your older child just because there aren’t diapers to change or bottles to prepare. In fact, by giving your older kids some individualized “big kid” attention—like going out to a movie or grabbing ice cream—you can ensure they feel equally valued.
Setting Boundaries and Accountability
Beyond trying to be as fair as possible with your children, you also have to realize that your children will always (always!) find fault with what you do, especially as it pertains to fairness. That’s simply because they’re kids.
That being said, it’s important to know when to step in. If you feel that one child is affecting a sibling’s self-confidence or sense of security, letting them figure things out on their own is NOT a good idea. Older siblings can be especially hurtful with their teasing, and the words they say can linger for a long time. Additionally, when it comes to physical violence, parents should step in immediately. Sibling fights and arguments can escalate quickly, and no one should be victimized in their own home by a family member. Saying things like, “You had that coming,” or “Maybe that will teach you,” only makes resorting to violence seem acceptable, which is neither effective nor acceptable in the real world.
Parents also need to hold all children accountable for their behavior. If one child is being annoying because they know they can get away with it—or get their brother or sister in trouble by yelling “wolf”—they need to be taught that this behavior won’t work. Younger siblings especially learn early in life that if they scream, holler, or cry, their older brothers or sisters will immediately get chastised. Similarly, older children must be responsible for their actions toward others.
One good way to approach this is to ask yourself: If the bickering were happening between your child and a friend, how would you handle it? Chances are, you wouldn’t let things escalate to the point of violence or harsh words. The same principle applies at home. Parents can become immune to sibling fighting because they’re so used to it, but if one child is bullying another, it’s important to hold them accountable, regardless of their cries that you’re playing favorites.
Setting boundaries, guidelines, and rules is also essential. Children of different ages naturally have different needs. While a 6-year-old may not understand an 11-year-old’s desire for privacy, it’s important that you do, and that you implement rules the younger child must follow. Additionally, allow children to have their own autonomy and belongings. Sharing can be a wonderful thing, but forcing your child to share everything all the time is a breeding ground for sibling rivalry. Teach your children to respect each other’s belongings and to ask before touching their sibling’s things, just like they would with a friend.
If your kids are simply arguing for the sake of arguing, it’s definitely okay at times to allow them to work things out themselves. In fact, this can be healthy. At first, you may need to teach your children how to ask for things, negotiate, and eventually get what they want from their sibling relationships. Generally speaking, there’s nothing wrong with letting your kids work out the small things on their own. This also helps you bow out of constantly being a referee.
The insignificant arguments—like who gets to sit shotgun, which TV show to watch, or who gets the last Pop-Tart—are not worth wasting your time and energy on. In these situations, your older and younger children will learn some pretty important life skills that will help them socially as they grow older.
