Your partner comes home from work and makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet or the television or the computer, and is silent for a long period of time. You long to talk and connect and no matter what you attempt, it does not work. You haven’t had a real conversation for days or weeks. Sometimes you argue over money or late nights out. You no longer have heart-to-heart conversation and then sex? You may say, what’s that? Basically your relationship is on the rocks and you both know it, but you both avoid the tough conversation because you aren’t sure how to fix things and you are not even sure if you want to.
Sadly the above scenario applies to so many couples, married or not. This may not be your present situation but if you do the following it will be. The problem is that days and weeks and even years go by and you keep putting off that which bothers you and any conflicts which don’t get addressed effectively, and the next thing you know it’s too late. One day you wake up and you realize that you can no longer do it; you are so tired and hurt that you feel no matter what — there is nothing out there to fix it and help you to save your relationship or change your situation. Many times couples go into therapy or counseling when they have waited too long and it may be too late, so the work and the issues that they want to address appear to be very difficult or hopeless to resolve or grow from. My serious advise to you is Please Don’t Wait. As soon as you feel uncomfortable, stuck and confused get help! Pay attention to the story you are telling yourself about that situation. I constantly meet with people who didn’t do anything about their problems because they felt scared or told themselves that somehow it’s going to go away. They put up with the situation until it gets worse. Waiting and let the time pass you by, is not the solution. Deal with your reality and the pain. You can find the courage and the strength to deal with it, with the help of someone who is trained. I always say feeling the pain, is the cue that it’s time to change something you have been doing that is no longer working but it’s hurting you more. Pain can be your friendly alert that it’s up to you to take a step. Don’t let your pride and your old habits get in the way of saving the relationship or losing the person you love. Arguments and disagreements have a lot to do with your own internal process, by this I mean, how you have been handling your relationships, your responses and your decisions that create obstacles for you. Most probably you have been doing this for a long time and it has something to do with your style of loving and attaching to others. Serious issues need consistent attention and therapeutic dialogues that can help you to learn and discover better ways of living your life. It’s really hard to make changes by simply reading a list of to-do-things, or “how to do it” directions. Whether needing to get help individually for yourself or as a couple, please do yourself a huge favor and get help. Good and effective therapy helps individuals or the couples understand the underlying issues that lead to certain behavior and resolve conflicts and improve their relationship and even their responses to life. If your partner is not willing to go in with you, it does not mean that you can’t get help for yourself. In the process of therapy you can learn and gain more awareness and understanding about yourself and learn the tools to communicate effectively with others. You might have great and loving intentions, but don’t forget the reality is that each person in the relationship brings his or her own values, ideas, opinion and personal history into the relationship. Later they find that they don’t match their partner’s values and beliefs, and as a result they are disappointed and frustrated. And guess what, they keep putting off the issues and problems to pile up and one day they wake up and they say: “I can’t do this anymore”, “I don’t want to be married to you”, or “I am done.” And when they go to therapy it’s too late and they are just in counseling so that they can have a third person present to help them bring closure to the relationship. This is extremely sad and painful.
Dear reader, when you see differences and feel stuck, it’s does not mean that your relationship is bound to conflict. It simply means that you need help and the first step is to face and take the step of getting help. Don’t wait for when the pain is unbearable and you simply want to take off, or lost everything, rather get help as soon as you can. Meet with a couple of different therapists who are licensed and experienced, and choose the one that seems a good fit for you, and choose the one that you feel you can connect with. Ask questions and be open to the process. Therapy is meant to help you.
If you are facing issues related to infidelity, anger, addictions, sex, blended families, separation/divorce, depression, finances and illness, losses, life transitions, or career changes, it’s really important to seek help and discuss your needs and your struggles with a professional. You can do this either in individual therapy or couple’s therapy. I recommend you meet with a good therapist and assess and discuss your situation and finding out what is the best course for your.
You might be dealing with a long-term secret in your life and it is seriously affecting the quality of your life and your relationships. You may be tired of living like this, and you keep finding yourself going in a circle and no matter what you do – you are not happy and satisfied with your life. Please be kind to yourself and get help.
Many people have happily improved their relationships as a result of their own individual therapy, because change in a partner always affects the other person and the relationship. Therapy can be very useful in helping partners learn, negotiate and understand the differences with each other and find solutions for themselves, so that they could have more fulfilling life.
For example, in my practice I offer a twenty-minute free consult over the phone, or you can make an appointment with me for a couple of sessions to assess your situation, and then together we can discuss what would be the best course of action for you. So I highly encourage you to make time and take care of your relationships before it’s too late.