Many couples who come in for counseling often want to improve their communication. They feel stuck in their relationship and don’t know how to move forward. As a result, I frequently hear that their problem is “communication.” As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I’d like to offer a few tips and thoughts for you to reflect on.
In essence, communication is about talking and listening. Sounds simple, right? What makes communication challenging, however, is that both people need to feel heard, affirmed, understood, and valued. After falling in love and choosing to spend your lives together, the question for you as a couple is: Do you have the skills to do the above? Do you understand your style of loving your spouse? There is a deep connection that takes place when your partner feels understood, heard, respected, and valued—it’s a form of intimacy.
So, what are these skills? You may wonder, what should you do when you need to talk about your relationship or something that is going on? It is crucial that you and your spouse know how to focus on each other. For example, make sure you are both rested and peaceful, and that there are no interruptions when you have something important to discuss. Be wise and smart about the timing of your conversations. If you have children, don’t do it with them present. For instance, you may want to get up early in the morning before the kids are awake and have some time alone to talk and listen without distractions. Alternatively, you could meet for lunch or dinner—just the two of you!
Additionally, make sure you are not under stress. Don’t talk when you are feeling angry, tired, or stressed from work or any other negative feelings. It’s best to wait and choose a time when you can think clearly and focus, so that both you and your spouse can feel heard and understood. Pay attention to the pace of your discussion. Notice: Is your conversation loud? Make sure you have eye contact. Don’t speak with your back turned to your spouse while doing something else, especially when they are engaged in another activity in the same room. Turn off technological gadgets such as your cell phone, computer, or TV. Sit together, facing each other, and practice the following suggestions.
Productive communication occurs when you and your spouse can create quiet, uninterrupted, unhurried, stress-free time. When you hear your spouse’s statement, before replying, make sure to repeat back to them what you heard, and check if you understood everything correctly. Listen carefully to see if there was anything you may have missed in your own cognitive process—ask them to repeat it if necessary. Once you’ve received all the information, then you can respond.
Moreover, in order to know how to talk to your spouse, it’s essential that you understand what to say—specifically, the right words to use. Connect with your deep feelings, thoughts, needs, and yearnings. These are parts of you that must be expressed if you are going to be understood, valued, and heard.
The ability to talk well and say the right words depends on the following:
- How you feel about yourself: Your self-perception plays a significant role in how you bring yourself into the relationship and the words you choose to express yourself. It’s important to value yourself and recognize that what you have to say is worth sharing. This has to do with what you believe about yourself. Some individuals may feel their words aren’t worthwhile. Your sense of self is crucial in the relationship, so take responsibility for your well-being. Consider spending some time in therapy to figure things out for yourself. This step is vital for understanding your own style of loving and relating to others. In therapy, you can also explore patterns from past relationships that may have brought you to this point. Don’t be afraid of introspection. Many people don’t truly understand what’s going on inside themselves. In our fast-paced society, surrounded by the noise of technology—TV, radio, fast-speed internet, work, and constant cell phone calls—it’s easy to lose touch with what’s happening internally. There is a rich, exciting, and wonderful world inside you, so take the time to access it.
- Criticism and judgment: Perhaps you’re tired of being criticized or judged. Many clients share this concern in counseling. Often, the root of this issue lies not with your spouse, but with an important figure from your past. These experiences can be hurtful, leading you to remain quiet most of the time. Your silence can affect your relationship. It’s not that you don’t have anything to say, but the fear of vulnerability and restrictive communication patterns learned from past experiences may keep you distant from your spouse. You may be protecting yourself from potential judgment or criticism.
- In summary: Be open to learning new skills for your relationship. Pay attention to your style of communication and loving, and examine your internal process. Getting to know yourself better through therapy with a qualified therapist can help you discover how to express what truly matters to you and connect with your spouse/partner.
