As a marriage counselor in Denver, Colorado one of the more common complaints I get from couples who come to me is that their sex life has become ho-hum or even nonexistent. And one of the most common explanations couples give me for when it all started is I don’t know, probably after the kids were born’.
‘many couples are challenged to find a healthy sex life after kids are born’‘
Let’s face it. Kids take up a lot of your day. After your 9-5 you have to chauffer them to and from whatever after school activity they’re going to, help them practice for said after school activity, help them with homework, ensure they’re brushing their teeth, eating healthy, etc. With all the demands of being a parent, sometimes you just forget about yourself and our partner. Which means you often forget about our sex life, too.
Is a Healthy Sex Life Possible After Kids?
With so many demands on adults I often get asked the question, ‘Is it possible to have a healthy sex life after kids?’ I always respond with a resounding YES! In fact, having kids allows couples to create deeper intimacy in ways they never thought were possible. This ultimately creates a more vibrant, passionate relationship than before their kids were born – even though the sex may be less frequent. So how do you keep a healthy sex life and create intimacy after your children are born? Here are a few tips:
Tips to Help you Have a Healthy Sex Life After Kids:
1. Scheduling , scheduling, scheduling. With all the busy things your kids have you doing, it’s good to be handy with a scheduler. If not, things slip through the cracks. And one of the first things that slip is your own needs and your partners’. There are plenty of apps and paper planners out there to help. you’re probably already using one or two to help you remember to fit all your kids demands into your schedule. But don’t forget to put you and your relationships demands in your schedule, too. You don’t have to schedule time in for sex (that doesn’t really work), schedule time for yourselves by planning a date night, a stay-at-home night, a lunch date, etc. and the sex will just naturally happen from there.
2. Do a Date Night. This is probably one you’ve heard lots of times from your parents or grandparents or someone wrote it on a card on your wedding day. Despite where it comes from or how often you’ve heard it this is sound advice. Couples change over time. Things you like at forty aren’t the same things you liked when you were twenty. Doing a date night allows you to keep in touch with each other through all the changing that you’re doing over the years.’ Date night also allows you to keep experiencing new things together with your partner. When couples go out to new places and experience new things together, they get to know each other in new ways. Kind of like when you were first dating. This keeps you both excited about each other and creates ‘spark’ and romance.
3. Remember, sex is an expression of intimacy, not the other way around. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is believing that they have to (or can only) express intimacy through sex. They forget that sex is just an expression of intimacy. What I mean by that it is that is if couples think about intimacy as more than just sex, they find new ways to be intimate with each other.
When couples broaden their definition of intimacy, a touch on the leg or an otherwise insignificant gift can have a whole new meaning. With kids around you can’t spontaneously have sex anytime you want anymore. Nonsexual expressions of intimacy fill in the gaps in between, make for great foreplay and make for even greater sexual experiences when they finally do happen.
4. Reassure your partner of your physical desire for them. Women’s bodies change after having a baby. Wrinkles, sagging, stretch marks, and other somewhat embarrassing changes happen. This often leaves women feeling uncomfortable about their body and about sex, too.
Men’s bodies also seem to change (although they don’t have as good of an excuse as women do). They stay home more with the baby and children instead of going out with friends to play basketball or do other exercise.
Because they want to stay home more, both men and women aren’t able to get out as much and do traditionally masculine or feminine things with their friends. This leaves them feeling less masculine or feminine and less sexually appealing. Whether your partner is male or female, go out of your way to assure them that you still have a strong physical desire for them. This will help them to feel sexier and have a stronger sexual desire.
Having Children allows you to get to know your partner in new ways. You get to know them not just as lovers but also as parents and lifelong companions. This can deepen your relationship and your intimacy for one another as you see them become new people and learn new things about them. So while having children may mean you have less time for sex, it also means you have new opportunities for growth and that growth can lead to intimacy and that intimacy can lead to better sex.