As a marriage counselor in Denver, Colorado, one of the more common complaints I hear from couples is that their sex life has become ho-hum or even nonexistent. One of the most common explanations couples give me for when it all started is, “I don’t know, probably after the kids were born.”
Many couples are challenged to find a healthy sex life after kids are born
Let’s face it: kids take up a lot of your day. After your 9-5, you have to chauffeur them to and from whatever after-school activity they’re attending, help them practice for said activity, assist with homework, ensure they’re brushing their teeth, eating healthy, and more. With all the demands of being a parent, sometimes you just forget about yourself and your partner, which means you often forget about your sex life, too.
Is a Healthy Sex Life Possible After Kids?
With so many demands on adults, I often get asked the question, “Is it possible to have a healthy sex life after kids?” I always respond with a resounding YES! In fact, having kids allows couples to create deeper intimacy in ways they never thought were possible. This ultimately creates a more vibrant, passionate relationship than before their kids were born— even though the sex may be less frequent. So, how do you maintain a healthy sex life and create intimacy after your children are born? Here are a few tips:
Tips to Help You Have a Healthy Sex Life After Kids:
1. Scheduling, scheduling, scheduling. With all the busy things your kids have you doing, it’s good to be handy with a scheduler. If not, things slip through the cracks. And one of the first things to slip is your own needs—and your partner’s. There are plenty of apps and paper planners out there to help. You’re probably already using one or two to remember all your kids’ demands, but don’t forget to schedule time for you and your relationship, too. You don’t have to schedule time for sex (that doesn’t really work), but schedule time for yourselves by planning a date night, a stay-at-home night, a lunch date, etc., and the sex will just naturally happen from there.
2. Do a Date Night. This is probably one you’ve heard a lot from your parents or grandparents, or maybe it was written on a card on your wedding day. Regardless of where it comes from or how often you’ve heard it, it’s sound advice. Couples change over time. The things you liked at forty aren’t the same as what you liked when you were twenty. Doing a date night allows you to stay in touch with each other through all the changes you experience over the years. Date night also lets you keep experiencing new things together. When couples go out to new places and try new things together, they get to know each other in new ways—just like when you were first dating. This keeps the spark alive and builds romance.
3. Remember, sex is an expression of intimacy, not the other way around. One of the biggest mistakes couples make is believing they can only express intimacy through sex. They forget that sex is just an expression of intimacy. What I mean by that is, when couples think of intimacy as more than just sex, they find new ways to be intimate with each other.
When couples broaden their definition of intimacy, even a simple touch on the leg or an otherwise insignificant gift can take on a whole new meaning. With kids around, you can’t spontaneously have sex whenever you want anymore. Nonsexual expressions of intimacy fill in the gaps, make for great foreplay, and lead to even better sexual experiences when they finally happen.
4. Reassure your partner of your physical desire for them. Women’s bodies change after having a baby. Wrinkles, sagging, stretch marks, and other changes can leave women feeling uncomfortable about their bodies and sex.
Men’s bodies also change (though they don’t have as many excuses as women). They stay home more with the baby and children instead of going out with friends to play basketball or exercise.
Because they stay home more, both men and women feel less masculine or feminine, which can make them feel less sexually appealing. Whether your partner is male or female, go out of your way to assure them that you still have a strong physical desire for them. This will help them feel sexier and have a stronger sexual desire.
Having children allows you to get to know your partner in new ways. You get to know them not just as lovers but also as parents and lifelong companions. This can deepen your relationship and your intimacy as you see them grow and learn new things about them. So, while having children may mean you have less time for sex, it also brings new opportunities for growth—and that growth can lead to intimacy, which in turn can lead to better sex.
