We have all heard the expression “tough love.” As common as it is, I still find myself unclear about its true meaning. For me, the first time I felt like I was practicing tough love was when I had to hold down my infant for vaccinations. She screamed so hard that I thought she might pass out. I felt like some kind of monster as she looked to me for help, and there I was, holding her legs firmly to the table. I had to do it, because her life could depend on it, and without thinking, the decision was made. At that moment, I can’t imagine anything more painful than seeing my child in distress, yet as parents, we face many such battles. Ultimately, the goal is always to allow them to grow into adulthood—healthy and mostly happy. When it comes to our kids, the simple truth is that love is often just plain tough.
It is fairly obvious that none of us can truly prepare ourselves for the road ahead when it comes to raising children. Some will get pregnant, some will do drugs, some will attempt suicide, some will shoplift or drink and drive, some will drop out of school, remain jobless, marry too young, and make questionable decisions in every area of their lives. On the other hand, some will surprise us with their innate morality and goodness. Try as we might to instill core values and a strong sense of right and wrong, at some point, our children will branch out to become the individuals they are destined to be. Though it can be painful, and we may have to step in to make difficult decisions for their future, this isn’t “tough love”—it’s simply a parent’s love.
Tough Love Is About the Long-Term
When we are entrusted with the life of another, we become completely responsible for providing love. When they are little and adorable, it’s easy to love unconditionally. But at some point, they develop their own ideas—many of which a parent won’t agree with. Tough love is defined as helping them (or someone else we love, for that matter) regardless of how much it will hurt them. A scenario that comes to mind is forcing a child into rehab. What’s tough about this isn’t just the decision itself, but facing the reality of what our child has become. As one of the major influences in their life, we often feel responsible for their condition. However, it’s important to recognize that we are just one of many influences in their life.
I remember a media buzz about a mother who called herself “implementing tough love” by calling the police because her 14-year-old son had stolen money from her. She followed through with his juvenile arrest in an effort to teach him a lesson. What struck me about it was the pride she felt in her decision—as if it was good parenting. To me, it seemed like she had something to prove. The point is, tough love by definition is no different from any other kind of love we feel for our kids. We strap them into car seats as toddlers against their will to avoid injury in a crash. We don’t let them go to the park alone to avoid them being kidnapped. Then, when they are teenagers facing trouble, our decisions are suddenly considered “tough love.” I believe that many of the subsequent decisions are just as hard, but the consequences are different.
As a troubled teen myself, I can say for sure that teenagers not only desire tough love but need it. Tough love means standing up to your children and realizing that you are still able and responsible for making decisions for them—especially if they are unable to make good choices themselves. Tough love is stepping in and calling them out on their actions, policing their behavior and their attitude, and taking steps to redirect or change it. Tough love is also about remaining loving toward your kids through everything. It’s possible to be disappointed yet still love a child wholeheartedly—perhaps even more so. It is ridiculous to assume that just because children are older, voice their often ignorant opinions, and challenge their parents every step of the way, that a parent should step back and say, “Do it your way!” That would be considered easy love. Easy for the parents.
Tough love doesn’t have to be about something as drastic as institutionalizing a child for addiction or mental health problems. It can be disallowing them to see or date someone you deem inappropriate. Tough love can be grounding them on homecoming weekend for failing geometry or skipping school. It can be not allowing a 6-year-old to attend a birthday party because they misbehaved at school. Tough love is anything parents do that we know won’t make our child happy in the moment, but will ultimately help us reach the goal of raising healthy, well-adjusted adults. Tough love is also about letting a child, passionate about traveling, explore their dreams abroad—even though you will miss them terribly. Tough love is selfless and hard because it impacts a part of us that loves deeply. Tough love is largely about our ability, as adults, to see the road ahead when a child cannot.
Tough love is tough on us because we want our children to be happy, and sometimes, our decisions regarding their care might not align with their immediate desires.
The whole concept of tough love often leads parents to believe they have something to feel guilty about when making decisions for their children. The truth is, the love of a good parent always goes beyond a child’s wants—no matter how old they are—and it is always tough. What makes love tough when it comes to our children is that we consistently put their well-being above our own needs and desires. We want to be their friends, but we were chosen as their parents. Our role is to teach, guide, and prepare them for life. Without “tough love,” other forms of parental love would be incomplete, as it would indicate that we are either unequipped or unwilling to do what’s best for our children’s future.
