You will hear many married women today talk about how well they trained their husbands. In fact, numerous YouTube videos are designed to help women do just that—train their husbands to act like accountable, civilized, and respectable men. Honestly, is it really necessary? The term “training your husband” seems to have originated from pushy women’s liberation organizations but has taken on new meaning recently. Interestingly, author and renowned animal trainer Amy Sutherland wrote a book titled What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love & Marriage, based on the idea of training a husband. Drawing from her experience with exotic animals, she believed humans could be trained in similar ways. Before you go out and purchase a bunch of Scooby Snacks to get your husband to perform new tricks, there are a few things you should know.
First of all, Sutherland’s book is based on universal law and serves as a reinterpretation of psychological studies conducted in the 1940s by B.F. Skinner. The universe suggests that we gravitate toward things and people that are similar to us. So, if we are miserable and unyielding, we will likely attract that behavior from others. If we are nagging and irritable, we exacerbate those same behaviors through our actions. Just as you don’t see many dogs returning to owners who shout, wave their hands, or curse (and why would they?), you won’t find many humans—husbands included—eager to return either. At the very least, a dog knows it has a few more minutes of fun before you catch it. A husband can figure that out, too.
If you are interested in training your husband or any humans in your life, you need to pay attention to the inner workings of the human brain. It is built to respond to a reward system. Every millisecond, our brains seek things that feel good and align with our nature of seeking pleasure. When this happens, endorphins are released, and we continue to seek similar experiences. Conversely, when things don’t feel good, our brains quickly turn to avoid those situations. Essentially, nagging your husband will only prompt him to do the opposite of what you want, as he seeks to satisfy his instinctive reactions. The misguided notion is that if you nag or oppose your husband enough, he will see that your way is best. However, this isn’t how animal training—or husband training—works. The key is to use positive reinforcement to encourage people to act of their own free will in ways that feel good to them. Check out this example:
If you want your husband to take out the trash, you can approach it in several ways. You can nag him to do it. When he finally does, it won’t feel good to him because of how you ‘instructed’ him. You can also ask him to do it, which might yield a similar result. Remember, in the animal kingdom, husbands are often seen as the alpha males—they want to be in charge on their own terms. Lastly, you can let the trash sit by the door and act as if it doesn’t bother you at all. You can kiss your husband (even make love to him) as if nothing is amiss. Then he will feel a positive connection that urges him to make you happier—thus taking out the trash. Simple, right? The best part is that many studies with humans show IT WORKS!
But be careful if you think you can simply train your husband by doing nice things. The first step is changing yourself! This is where many wives go wrong. You have to change your response to the things he does that irritate you. Be willing to maintain a positive disposition and rely on the laws of attraction. You also need to take baby steps, doing things similarly to how you would train an animal. If you had a puppy, would you demand it give you its paw from day one? Would you force it on a leash and expect adherence without practice or patience? The same applies to humans. If your husband is a complete mess, start rewarding the small, step-by-step improvements he makes in his behavior. For instance, if he picks up his underwear, instead of focusing on the other messes he left, acknowledge the improvement. Eventually, his brain will start to connect the dots.
Another important thing to realize is that if you are genuinely looking for ways to “train” your husband, there may be underlying issues in your marriage. The foundation of animal training is respect, and that should be the basis of your marriage as well. When you are willing to change your own responses and feelings, the world around you—including your husband—will change. However, the goal of training a pigeon or a man isn’t to be the top dog or in control; it’s to create a mutually happy and fulfilling environment. If this isn’t your intention from the start, you can bet that all your efforts will be in vain.
