I don’t know about you, but I am well aware of the mistakes I made when I was a teenager and even a young adult—mistakes that thankfully my parents were never aware of. They were definitely learning experiences, and I felt fortunate, even at the time, that nothing terribly serious happened to my health, body, or state of mind. I was never into drugs, thankfully, but I knew plenty of kids who were, and it wouldn’t have been hard to get some if I wanted them.
Knowing all of this about ourselves, now that we’re grown up, makes you wonder if trusting your teenager is even a possibility. There’s the whole “times have changed” argument, reminding us that things that were unheard of in our youth are now commonplace. It’s a scary world out there when you watch your teenager leave the house.
What is the Alternative?
However, what is the alternative? Locking them in a closet is against the law, in case you need a reminder. We could start on them young, making them paranoid about having friends, trying anything new, and creating a little worrywart with ulcers by the age of thirteen. Or, we could try the “wait and see” approach—the one that says we’ll give you your freedom until you mess it up for yourself. Of course, we know that no matter how attentive we are, they are doing something we’re unaware of, and that would make our skin crawl. We’d probably need written reminders from the state that locking them in a closet is still illegal.
It’s almost completely ironic. From a distance, I’ve noticed that parents with terribly irresponsible and even dangerous teenagers believe their child deserves all kinds of trust. Meanwhile, I’ve watched the parents of responsible and helpful teenagers keep them on such a short leash that it hurt my neck just watching it. It’s embarrassing. Then there are the parents who tell their child how trustworthy they are but spend their Friday nights tailing them and watching their every move. Parents of multiple teenagers face an even bigger challenge. You simply cannot treat each child the same way, because one will always be more responsible and honest than another. It’s just the way life works. So, what is a parent to do? We’ve already addressed the whole closet issue, haven’t we?
Your ability to trust your teen has just as much to do with your relationship with them as it does with their behavior. If you really know your kid—and honestly know how they act when you’re not around (which is a whole different ball game)—then chances are you can extend them more trust. If you’re on top of where they are, how often they stretch the truth, and what their friends do when their parents aren’t around, your trust will most likely be honored.
If your relationship is strained, however, with chronic fighting, yelling, hard feelings, silence, and disruption in your home, the likelihood that your trust is warranted is slim. In fact, kids between the ages of 13 and 17 say that, for the most part, their parents are still their biggest influence on their right and wrong behavior. Kids who want their parents to think well of them, trust them, respect them, and honor them are less likely to engage in behaviors outside of their presence that would simply appall their parents. Teenagers who feel resented by their parents are twice as likely to experiment with behaviors that bring us right back to that ugly closet issue.
Teenagers have an amazing ability to spin the truth. They can tell the truth in seventeen different ways to seventeen different people, and under close scrutiny, it may appear that they were being truthful. It’s amazing, really. Yet, what you need to express to your teenager when extending trust is that you require the ugly truth. You need them to know that you can survive the ugly truth—and so can they, so can your relationship, and so can their potential for freedom.
Not all behaviors should result in a loss of trust. If your kid went to a party and got drunk at the ripe old age of fifteen but had the guts to tell you the ugly truth, there’s room for helping them make better decisions without yanking the rug out from under them. If you respond to their honesty with chronic punishment, why on earth would they continue to tell you the truth?
Your child should be able to understand your feelings associated with trusting them. Talking to them regularly about your concerns regarding grades, activities, friends, social situations, and potential pitfalls lets them know where you stand and why. It helps them adjust to the world around them, which is bigger than they are but which they feel obligated to navigate. It’s just as terrifying to be a teenager running amok in the world as it is to be a parent of a teenager running amok in the world. Perhaps one day, that whole closet idea will pass into legislation.
