Trying to Understand the Break Up – What Went Wrong?

So, you have been dumped. And yes, it hurts – especially if you felt like the relationship was truly working. Many people are left feeling confused and suffering from a lack of self-confidence that results from thinking perhaps you did something wrong. Or just weren’t good enough. Yet, when it comes to relationships, it takes two people. This is what makes it more fun, but it is also, what makes surviving a relationship and finding one that works truly difficult.

Trying to understand the break-up, is a fact of life. As you sit wiping your tears or feeling a void in your inner self from the lack of that someone in your life, it is human nature to try and make sense of it. Look how many country songs and major motion pictures have been written around this exact situation and you will realize that you aren’t alone. Family and well meaning friends will resort to cliché phrases and hugs, showering you with attention in the hopes that their presence can help to mend your broken heart. And it doesn’t work, but it is good to know that you are loved. They will all tell you that it just wasn’t meant to be, that your prince (or princess) will come and that time will heal all wounds. No matter how true those words are, they seem but a small and insignificant token compared to how you feel on the inside.

So what should you do? How can you heal your heart?

Is there a way to make the break-up less painful, whether it was you or chose it or not?

The aftermath of breaking up with someone is loss. The loss that you feel is very similar to the loss felt by people left behind by a death. Of course, the loss may not be as great, but it is loss indeed. Part of your loss is not just what you felt you had, but also what you felt the future will bring. In the midst of a relationship, many people cannot see themselves without their partners and generally assume that the future will see the two of you together. Losing that picture is painful and it also means that you have to readjust your vision and make new plans. You may be left hoping that the break up was a mistake, or wonder if your ex will come back, change his or her mind – and realize exactly what he or she is missing out on. There will be anger, resentment, and deep sadness that seem to circle one another with no end in sight. All of this is part of the grieving process. It is in your best interest to allow them to happen, o ebb and flow – so that you can ensure you are feeling your pain, rather than trying to ignore or restrain it.

The next step may be trying to understand the break up on a logical level. With the heart involved, this can be difficult to do. Here are some tips to make it easier. First, recognize that breaking up with someone is not the end of the world. Instead of focusing on what is lost and what you had – focus on what you have gained from the relationship. Even if the relationship was complicated, there is a mighty good chance that you learned something to take forward. This something can be critical to ensuring that you learn from the relationship. The ‘somethings’ that we take away from relationships that didn’t work can be extremely helpful when it comes to future relationships. The trick is being willing to learn from them and see where YOU could have made changes, rather than try to find ways to blame the other person.

It is also helpful when trying to understand a break-up, to give yourself a break! Just because a relationship didn’t work out, doesn’t mean that you are a failure, who is destined to be alone. It also doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. Dating is about playing the field a bit, so you can find the right fit for you. Not every person that you date is meant to be a forever a person and each of them and you, meet during times in your life when you have new lessons to learn. You can also think of the break-up as opportunity. Certainly, there were some characteristics of your ex that literally drove you crazy. Now you are free – and you are also free to play the field a bit more. Which, by the way, can be a whole lot of fun if you have the right mindset.

Dating experts to suggest that people who have been dumped, take some time to evaluate the relationship rationally. Once you have had time to be angry, grieve and work through the loss – try to be objective about what happened. Chances are you will see that there were warning signs all along. It is also helpful to write these things down, and separate the pros and cons of the relationship so that you can look at them objectively. Come to the conclusion that it wasn’t just YOU, and that there were other factors in play at the onset of the relationship that made it a bad choice. Perhaps you or your ex were on the rebound from another relationship. Perhaps you started out the relationship in a purely sexual manner that didn’t blossom into anything more. Maybe the two of you seem to make better friends than lovers. Maybe the other person was not ready to settle down, and actually did you a favor by letting you go rather than tagging you along for the ride.

Trying to understand a break up will consume your life for a short while. However, you should be able to move forward within a few weeks to a month. This doesn’t mean that you will forget the pain, but that you will at least move on. If you find yourself unable to recover, unable to think about anything else besides your ex, or have feelings that may lead to hurting yourself or stalking – you should seek professional help.

Remember, that each person we meet – whether in passing or in the throws of a relationship, has something to teach us. Believe that fate and destiny are actually working for you and continue to be grateful for what you had and hopeful for what is coming your way.



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