In the break room, one man is berating another, saying, “What do you mean your wife won’t let you go? Seriously, man, you’re whipped!” Meanwhile, a woman standing at her colleague’s cubicle is saying, “Come on, you can go to lunch with us just this once. Surely you deserve it with all the income you bring in, not to mention everything you do for him and your children. You need to let him know who the real boss is!”
These scenarios are exceedingly common in our society today. It wasn’t always this way; there was a time when gender roles ruled, providing both men and women with strict guidelines regarding their place and duties in a household. While we have learned a few things since those distant times, thanks to the women’s and civil rights movements, it seems we have created a new dilemma instead of a resolution. Who is the rightful decision-maker in this new way of life?
A wolf pack has one leader, a company has one boss, so shouldn’t a household have just one leader too? There should be one person who “wears the pants,” as we have come to say. We attribute one word to the design and success of various rights movements: equality. The point was not that one person should be considered better qualified due to their birth but that, although we are different, we are all equally capable.
We also have another saying: “There can be only one chief in a tribe.” The presumption is that with multiple leaders, matters become confusing, leading to conflicting rules and struggles for control. This mindset is even more outdated than the idea that all people are essentially equal. Even the ancient Greeks and Romans understood that a governing body of multiple individuals, working together, was better suited to lead a society than a single ruler. While a republic has its weaknesses, it has proven to be far more effective than a dictatorship.
A household is essentially a small society, a body of people—sometimes just two—that has needs and goals. Leadership provides direction to achieve these aims, but the term “leadership” need not refer to a single individual. Instead, I propose we view it in the plural sense: as a group of people synergistically providing focus and motivation to their shared responsibilities.
In a marriage, there is never just one loser in the struggle for power. The person who ultimately gains control often finds themselves distanced from their partner, causing the spouse to lose faith in the love and hope that brought them together in the first place. While submission to each other is admirable, subjugation remains as unethical as it was when slaves were forced to work and women were silenced at home. A happy and fruitful marriage cannot survive such inequality.
This is not to say that everything must be equal in a literal sense. For example, it is simply not possible for a man to carry a child. There are many tasks for which one person might be more capable than the other, and some responsibilities work better when only one person is in charge, such as finances. In most cases, having two people manage separate records for a combined financial interest complicates matters (and if there isn’t a shared financial interest, it might be worth reconsidering). Whether it’s the man or the woman, the person best qualified to handle money should take on that role, while the other acknowledges their limitations and trusts their partner’s judgment.
We create various duties and responsibilities to ensure efficient governance in our little society. These must be defined through discourse. Having two leaders only becomes a hindrance when they do not communicate and unite in purpose. Even if the husband is managing the finances, he cannot meet his wife’s needs and work toward their combined goals without discussing what those goals and needs are and agreeing on how and when they might be met. The wife may be the primary caregiver for the children, but consistency in their development requires discussion and collaboration between both parents.
We have reached a point in our collective development to recognize that we are equal by nature. This awareness allows two people to combine efforts and create a solid marriage based on cooperation and mutual support. If you and your spouse are struggling with this, don’t hesitate to seek help. Together, we can lighten our loads while sharing the responsibilities of life, all while proudly putting on our pants.
