When you’ve felt the raw power of sexual joy there is never any going back to ‘blah.’

Sex is often a mixed-up dance between two people. But sex begins with yourself. And ultimately, your sexual joy begins with your own relationship to something inside you. Sex, and sexual dysfunction is 90% in your head. So when sex is off, either between you and yourself, or you and others, there is some examination that might need to take place. (I’m no doctor, and I have no understanding of E.D. or other medically related sexual issues.)

The 9 Rules of Joyful Sex

  1. Much of what happens during sex is very personal (inside an individual’s mind)
  2. There is a physical joy that comes from finding a connected and aware partner
  3. Even the prospect of sex can awaken all kinds of wonderful chemical changes in the human body
  4. Casual sex can contain elements of joy and bliss, but true joyful sex, in my definition, requires two committed partners
  5. The discovery and unlocking of your partner’s sexual potential is a lifelong quest (otherwise monogamy would become boring and lead to infidelity)
  6. It isn’t possible to get too interested and rapt in your partner’s sexual pleasure
  7. When you are in the “flow” of sex you are experiencing a micro-nirvana
  8. When sex deteriorates in a relationship it is an indication of deeper communication and commitment issues
  9. The free play of joyful sex is as necessary as a good sleep, once you’ve experienced it, you crave it, and are somewhat restless and unsatisfied in life, without it

And I have a few ideas about how to discover your partner’s inner joy while having sex.

  • Always approach sex more as play than work or a goal-oriented task (the orgasm is cool and fundamental, but it’s not always necessary for joyful sex).
  • Sex can be fast and furious (a quickie) or long an luxurious (afternoon delight: bath, massage, sex, nap).
  • One-sided sex is fine, and nice if you can get it. (This is one I’m still working on, how to just lay back and enjoy an event just for me.)
  • Sexual energy can be shut down or limited by stress, alcohol, drugs, hunger, exhaustion, worry about work, hyper-focus on the orgasm of either partner.
  • Every sexual encounter with another person is an opportunity to unlock some new pathways of sexual joy, both your partners’ and your own.
  • The more playful and unscripted sex can become, the more flexible and adaptable your relationship becomes.
  • Core sexual satisfaction soothes over all kinds of frustrations and disappointments in life and in your relationship. You still need to talk about any problems in your relationship, but when the sex is “worth it” you will be a better listener and be more committed to the necessary negotiations to keep the other aspects of your relationship healthy.

I don’t know that it is much more complicated than that. If you want joyful sex, you explore and ask for a joyful partner. And when the chemistry is ON you can imagine seeking ever deeper levels of connection with this partner. It’s really more of an attitude than a technique or prowess. If you can find your way to playful sex you can find your way to the inner joy of sex that just might give you a longer life. And a longer life with more joyful sex… well… that may be an enlightened path right there.

John McElhenney is a single dad who lives and writes in Austin, Texas. He is known for his fearless writing at The Whole Parent blog. John contributes to national publications and his book, Single Dad Seeks: Dating Again After Divorce is available on Amazon. For more information visit www.wholeparent.org.

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