For the past ten years, my motorcycle has been parked in the garage, covered by a big blue tarp, in the hopes that it will be exquisite when I next get the time to unveil it. It desperately needs a new carburetor, something that I am totally unequipped to handle, and my ever-loving and sweet husband has been promising to fix it for a decade. Also in the garage is a brand new dishwasher that I got for Christmas three years ago from a man who was sure it would be the perfect gift. (No comment there.) It’s still in the box, and yet every day of my life, I am still washing dishes by hand. Both of these things are in some way important to me, yet the man who is supposed to love me the most has long forgotten them both. Does this—or rather, is this—a silent indicator of how much he really loves and respects me? I hope not!
There’s a saying that “actions speak louder than words,” and most of the time, that proves true. If someone tells you they love you yet continues to engage in behavior that continually hurts you, it’s easy to surmise that their love is off-kilter. If our spouses seem to cater to the whims and needs of every other person in this world yet find it difficult to make time for us, it, too, could be a true indicator of their deepest feelings. But taking a frank, honest, and simple approach to the often confusing state of marriage may just show us a side of the coin we haven’t considered. Rather than taking these “injustices” as some sort of lack or insult, perhaps they should be seen as evidence that our spouses are comfortable enough with us to have the freedom and privilege to “come as they are” and still be loved and accepted in return. After all, isn’t that what marriage is about?
The True Meaning of Love in Marriage
One of the biggest mistakes anyone can make is to form assumptions or conclusions about the feelings of another person, especially when we’re married to them. We’re fooling ourselves if we think that, for even a minute, we can truly understand the inner workings of someone else’s mind or intentions. Not only is it impossible, but it’s also unwise to try. With that said, trying to always understand why someone does what they do or reading into the unspoken words or actions is as irritating as walking around in wet socks. When someone loves us, we know it from a part of us that can’t be explained, and we shouldn’t always need reminders, tokens, or constant reassurances to feel it. To me, that’s just insecurity rearing its ugly head, and it should be buried as quickly as the supposition that sex after marriage is always going to be great.
Part of the beauty of married life is that we don’t have to be anyone else but ourselves. We can fart in bed, wear ugly clothes on the weekend if we want, skip using our manners, be slightly selfish at times, get moody at will, and be frustrated around each other—and finally settle down with someone who doesn’t expect us to talk all the time. Men and women are afforded the opportunity not to try so hard and to be loved completely and wholly (notice I didn’t say unconditionally) for who we really are—not the person we were when we were dating. Marriage lives at home, and at home, we are supposed to be able to kick up our feet, relax, and enjoy. If we can’t do that there, chances are we won’t stay around for long. Any spouse who puts too much pressure on the other to perform, live up to expectations, or constantly show, remind, and nurture a love that’s already evident is simply asking for trouble.
This doesn’t mean we should take each other for granted; however, it does mean we should be able to overlook many of the unspoken words or acts of indifference that could hurt us. Maybe I’ve just been married too long, but when my husband holds the door open for another woman yet lets it close before I walk in, I choose not to read anything into it. The only thing I’d gain is an argument or a lump in my throat that would eventually question his love for me. Yes, it’s rude, but it’s not a deep, dark sign that this marriage isn’t meant to be. Especially when I mention it to him and we can both laugh about it later. See, with other women and people, he’s never felt safe enough or free enough to just be himself—flaws and all—out of fear that he’d be rejected or judged. But with me, his wife, he knows he holds the softest spot in my heart and that he is safe there. As a wife, that makes me feel pretty good and allows me to stay nag-free!
The unspoken words in life are usually not meant to be said aloud anyway. Each of us carries around thoughts, ideas, or longings that we don’t want to share with our spouses, and sometimes, saying everything or talking too much just causes pain unnecessarily. As for actions speaking louder than words, I’ve realized that the fact that my husband comes home to me every night, works hard to provide for me and our kids, knows exactly when to rub my back and when to leave me alone, doesn’t care when I look like hell, and doesn’t refuse to kiss me with morning breath speaks volumes about the state of our love. I’ve come to see the motorcycle sitting in the garage collecting dust and the dishwasher still in its box as useful reminders of his intentions toward me and the butt of many jokes.
As I stand in my kitchen washing dishes and warming my hands with soap and water, my husband always comes up from behind me and gives me a hug. He speaks no words as he wraps his arms around me and holds me for just a moment or two. He’ll plant a soft kiss on my neck and stroke my hair as if it’s the softest thing he’s ever felt—usually smelling it before he lets go. In that moment, I realize that his unspoken words are speaking to me in a way that real words couldn’t. I think about the dishwasher in the garage, still tightly packaged in the box, and wonder if perhaps he hasn’t installed it because he, like me, treasures those moments at the sink. All at once, I don’t mind the dishes and don’t feel any negligence for the things he doesn’t do; instead, I feel gratitude that he feels safe enough to come as he is.
