Marriage! Rumor has it that it can turn even the coveted prom queen into Nanny McPhee, and women are often accused of “letting themselves go” during the years following their vows. Perhaps men believe that good looks, hot bodies, and primping to stay the “trophy wife” is something a woman wants to spend a lifetime doing. After all, the kids could honestly care less whether she brushes her teeth or combs her hair—so long as she provides tasty snacks and lots of love, they take her as she is, graying roots and all! However, in women’s defense, has anyone taken a look at all the middle-aged husbands who, too, have “let themselves go”? The difference is that women, unlike their egotistical counterparts, could care less about updating their husbands. So long as he brings home the paycheck and helps with the kids every once in a while, a woman can look past a lot!
The Double Standard: Updating Your Husband
Updating your husband is one of those things you might consider after years of watching him sit on the couch with his hand down his pants, eating chips, and popping open a beer during the game. When he no longer feels inclined to exercise, would rather sleep in until noon, and rarely, if ever, takes a shower on the weekend, a general “push in the bum” might be warranted! Men have a tendency to burgeon through their pants, developing a belly that seems to overlap the button, while the rest of their body remains unscathed. Yet, they have no excuse like women do. Women go through pregnancy and constant hormonal changes, not to mention stress that men can’t begin to imagine. Yet, most women bounce back relatively close to how they were before. Why, then, can a man see stretch marks that were born from the bearing of their own flesh and blood and wince? It’s ridiculous, especially when women can put up with the hilarious comb-overs and graying hair that only seem to get worse with time!
Besides the beer bellies and laziness, there is also the helplessness that men seem to regress into after marriage. Before you married him, he was a knight in shining armor. A few months in, however, and he becomes a helpless baby, unable to ask for directions or make an inquiry to schedule his own doctor appointments. He leaves his underwear on the floor, doesn’t bother to untangle his socks (which smell like something pulled out of the garbage can), and is generally oblivious to basic hygiene. Even worse, marriage unveils the true man inside—more like a mixture of Shrek and SpongeBob than Prince Charming. Again, few women say anything, especially because they respect the fact that men need to feel sexy and attractive, and their egos are in constant need of reassurance. Wives everywhere simply tell their husbands they are still as hot as chili, rather than dare to speak the truth. And men wonder why their wives suddenly aren’t as interested in sex? If men knew that 90% of women dream about updating their husbands, perhaps they wouldn’t be so brazen and self-assured. They might realize that they are just as guilty of “letting themselves go” as any woman may be.
The sad part is that the idea of “updating” your husband (or wife) rides the fence of double standards in our society. A woman is supposed to be fragile and coy, sexy and alluring, thin and fit, mother, wife, and sex kitten all rolled into one. But a man—well, a man can just continue being a man! While a woman juggles superhero roles to provide for her family and hold on to a shred of the person she used to be, a man is allowed to simply “go downhill” with age. It’s acceptable for a man to get fat, sit around in sweatpants all day, not exercise, and reveal habits that are grotesque and slobbish. It’s acceptable for a man to age, wrinkle, and develop all sorts of erectile problems that are just a natural part of getting older. Women, or wives, put up with it all, although inside, they’re laughing. And you can be assured they are talking about it with their girlfriends.
Certainly, you might wish, from time to time, that he would have better manners or wear nicer clothes. You might even wish he would change some of his ways and treat you like a date rather than an extension of his mother. Nevertheless, women love their husbands anyway. What few men understand is that as long as they are kind, sweet, and considerate of their wives—which might mean rubbing her shoulders or holding her hand—they will keep you forever, just as those vows promised. Women will put up with the hairy backs, stretch marks, and weird moles that start growing hairs. They’ll make love to their husbands with all the passion and fire that was there in the beginning because all they really want is for their husbands to notice them and appreciate them. When they do, women’s character is such that they will remain quiet about all the weird things that happen to men as they age, simply because they don’t want to hurt their feelings. Still, you can be sure that if you see a group of women laughing over coffee while the kids are in school, they are probably talking about the sheer idiocy of men—and more specifically, their husbands. They might even be talking about updating their husbands to the hot UPS man delivering packages—because, let’s face it, they’re getting more and more of those every day! Who knows?
Bottom line… it’s the husbands who may need to watch just how far they let themselves go!
