Your spouse is an idiot. He or she sucks in the sack. They don’t treat you with the respect that you feel you deserve. In fact, your spouse makes you so angry and mad at times that you wonder why the heck you even married him or her. Welcome to married life! Marriage is not always the way it looks in the movies unless of course you subscribe to the soap opera channels. And certainly, there will be times in your marriage when you are so frustrated and disgusted that you start venting to your friends about your spouse.
It always starts out innocently enough. You’re over for tea or a beer and your sheer disgust and utter anger cause you to start talking negatively about your partner. You share things with your friend that are sort of private but you don’t think much about it because after all, this person is your friend. For you, the scenario is about confiding in a friend and blowing off some steam. Chances are, the marriage isn’t over by any means and the two of you will work things out in the long run. But for right now, you are pissed! So you share private arguments and idiosyncrasies with your friends about your spouse.
What you may not realize is just how comfortable YOUR friend may feel in the aftermath of your ‘private discussions.’ And seriously, since you are the one married to this person doesn’t constantly complaining about what an idiot he or she is, make you out to be some sort of a dolt?
For many people, knowing too much about somebody else can cause him or her to be uncomfortable around the person. After you confided in your friend that your husband is interested in some kinky moves straight out of Shades of Grey, she might start to feel uncomfortable being around your husband. Or want to avoid him altogether. When a husband tells his buddy that his wife cheated on him, or that she is a complete witch to the kids your guy friend may start to have animosity towards her.
And understandably so.
Whether it is right or wrong, the truth is that we often judge people by other people’s opinions. And our spouses tend to know the most private things about each of us. When we share these private things with others, we inadvertently let them into a part of our life that is really and truly none of their business.
Worse, is that venting to your friends about your spouse can also end up ruining your relationship with your friend. If you are constantly telling your friend what an ogre your spouse is how badly they treat you, and the awful things they say to you, chances are your friend will eventually give advice. They may even ask you to consider leaving, and remind you that you ‘deserve better.’ When you don’t listen, and continue to go back for more they will lose respect for you and eventually question whether or not you are someone that they really want to be friends with. Plus, your constant complaining without willingness to take action, can eventually become so negative and stress filled for THEM to listen to, that they may choose to just end the relationship.
Bottom line is that your spouse isn’t perfect. And, the marriage has some work that needs to be done to get things right. There is not a married couple on the planet that doesn’t need to work on their relationship. However, if you are constantly whining and complaining in a free-for-all unedited version of what is going on in your life TO OTHERS, rather than facing your spouse head on, you cannot expect much to change in your life. Except for your outside relationships.
Your spouse deserves to hear from you the things you dislike about them. Additionally, if things are so wrong within the relationship and are as bad as you make them out to be to others, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest and up front with them. Certainly, good friends do not mind being there for us in times of trouble. But making complaining about your spouse a general topic of discussion and revealing things about him or her that should remain private, is a breech of your marital vows. And a worthless endeavor if you are truly interested in making changes for the better.
Confiding and/or complaining to your family is an even worse idea. While you may forgive your partner for their ‘issues,’ and while the two of you may ‘kiss and make-up’ after a bad fight, chances are the people that LOVE you, will not be so forgiving. When it comes to family, blood is definitely thicker than water and your venting and ranting may make your extended family literally despise and disrespect your partner. Remember, once you tell them details of your intimate relationship even when you are emotionally stressed, they will not forget it.
Marriage is between YOU and your partner. When you are feeling emotionally charged with negative reactions or feelings about your spouse, your best bet is to take some time alone before you go sharing the details of your problems to others. Especially if those others are related to, friends with or close to your spouse. By the time you are married, you are hopefully an adult. Talking about people especially those that you profess to love behind their back stirs nothing but trouble for you and for those that are forced to listen to it.
If you tell the spouse they dont hear you or they do the same.