“You stupid, useless, good-for-nothing witch – what the hell have you done all day while I was at work?”
Have you ever heard something like this from your spouse? Maybe they were having a bad day, or maybe they were upset about something you did. Instead of talking about it rationally and respectfully, they allowed their anger to get the best of them and spewed out verbal garbage like the statement above.
You feel torn, because most of the time your spouse is a loving person. They have so many good qualities that it’s difficult to understand what’s happening when they lose their temper with you. But regardless of the reason or the rarity, the bottom line is—it still hurts.
Verbal abuse is defined as an “ongoing emotional environment organized by the abuser for the purposes of control.” What makes it so difficult to identify is that verbal abuse is often used by the abuser to define the victim—by telling them what they are, what they think, their motives, and so on.
Many people in verbally abusive relationships don’t recognize what verbal abuse is. Victims often try to minimize or excuse the abuser’s behavior. For years, abuse in a relationship was only acknowledged when one person physically harmed the other. Today, however, experts recognize that verbal abuse is abuse—and in many cases, it can be even more damaging than physical violence.
Recognizing the Signs of Verbal Abuse
To help you identify verbal abuse, here are some key warning signs:
Name-calling is definitely a form of verbal abuse. When an abuser calls their partner names, they’re attempting to define and degrade them. The purpose? To gain control by stripping the victim of their self-confidence and silencing their voice.
Most often, someone who is verbally abusive will act as if everything is perfectly normal afterward. This tactic makes the victim feel like they’re overreacting or blowing things out of proportion. After all, it was just a silly argument about who was supposed to do the dishes, right?
But the behavior after the abuse speaks volumes. If your partner berates you and then acts as if nothing happened—or worse, blames you for the argument—they are trying to manipulate and control you. They know their indifference will make you second-guess your feelings. Over time, repeated verbal abuse leads the victim to stop standing up for themselves altogether. And that’s exactly the abuser’s plan: to create a compliant, fragile partner who never questions them.
Verbally abusive spouses often behave completely normally in public or around loved ones. They put on a perfect facade to maintain control, keeping the victim isolated and confused.
Other common forms of verbal abuse include:
- Explosive, uncontrollable anger over minor issues
- Being overly critical on a constant basis
- Making derogatory or belittling comments
- Engaging in the “blame game”
- Making idle or intimidating threats
In many cases, the abuser will blame their emotional outbursts on their partner, insisting that you caused the problem. Their goal is to make you feel guilty and responsible for their behavior.
Far too often, one spouse repeatedly says hurtful things that cause lasting emotional harm to the person they claim to love. This is verbal abuse. Sadly, many victims believe there’s nothing they can do, so they continue living with the toxic behavior—allowing their inner spirit to slowly fade.
But here’s the truth: you don’t have to live this way.
You can learn how to regain control of your life and trust your instincts if you suspect you’re being verbally abused. In most cases, the abuse doesn’t improve over time. Eventually, the victim becomes emotionally disconnected—not just from their partner, but from themselves. This disconnection can lead to depression, anxiety, and a total loss of self-worth.
Counseling can sometimes help, but not always. Verbal abuse has only gained broader recognition in the past 15 years, and even today, many therapists miss the signs. Unfortunately, abusers are often highly skilled at presenting themselves as kind, loving, upstanding people. They know their weaknesses and are experts at controlling not just their spouse, but others around them. This leaves victims feeling lost, unsupported, and wondering what they did to deserve such treatment.
Remember: we only get one life, and spending it under someone else’s verbal control is not really living at all. Verbal abuse crushes your dreams, drains your confidence, and robs you of joy.
If you believe you’re being verbally abused, do yourself the greatest favor possible: get help. You deserve love, respect, and a life free from emotional harm.
