When divorce strikes, the pain is often felt the most by the children involved. If you scroll through Facebook or know anyone struggling with a custody battle, chances are you’ve seen firsthand just how ugly things can get. For many parents, the custody battle becomes more of a win-lose situation between them and their ex, with the pain caused to the children being an afterthought.
It’s only natural that in painful situations, when emotions run high, people don’t always think clearly. Additionally, in the aftermath of many divorces, parents often deal with such immense pain that they become exhausted and lost in a sea of angst, making parenting difficult. After all, mom and dad are humans too.
Setting Boundaries for the Benefit of the Kids
The thing is, regardless of how parents feel about one another, they must do their best to avoid getting caught in the custody trap, which causes them to play tug-of-war, with their children being dragged through the mud. This is especially true when it comes to visitation.
Many couples establish visitation rules during court hearings and rulings. Often, these rules are just a basic outline that requires parents to be on time. Rarely do these rules require parents to call one another, allow the kids to talk to the other parent, or discourage one parent from having romantic sleepovers while the children are present. The truth is, these matters are not for the courts to decide.
As adults and, especially, as parents, it’s wise for both of you to meet and agree on an unbiased, mutual understanding of what is expected during visitation. For instance, if a child wants to speak to their father while they are at their mother’s house, they should be allowed to do so. However difficult it may be for you to agree with your ex, it’s important that you set aside your differences long enough to mediate rules that will make the transition to visitation as amicable and comfortable as possible for your kids.
If you feel strongly about your ex having dates over while the children are there, agree together that this will be avoided. If both of you want your children to always have access to YOU, ensure that your child has a cell phone so they can call mom or dad when they’re away, without forcing you to be the middleman. It shouldn’t be too much to ask that the kids be allowed and encouraged to call their mother or father before bed each night, or when they wake up. In other words, instead of treating visitation as “MY time” or “THEIR time,” try to keep things as balanced and routine as possible—not for your sake, but for your children’s.
If you have older children, it’s important that BOTH parents set the same expectations and boundaries with them regarding key issues such as academics, social media, and being left alone. Even though you and your spouse may disagree on many issues, the one thing you must come together on is the goals and standards you set for your children. Winning them over by constantly pleasing them or doing everything for them will not help them grow into better adults.
For far too many people, coming to terms with a divorce and moving forward with a new way of life becomes a power play for the children’s attention and love. The reality is that your kids love BOTH of you, and what they need most—especially during these uncertain times—is to know that they are loved in return, are safe, and that their lives will remain as intact as possible.
Tell us, how do you and your ex handle visitation and custody situations? Do you have any advice for people going through a divorce?
