As far back as you care to delve into history, you’ll see the familiar plight of parents worried about the irresponsible antics of their teens in a world that parents fear their kids don’t understand. Even within Greek mythology, we find lessons from the Greek Gods and Goddesses, who seemed hopelessly connected to the actions of their children. These gods watched their kids grow quickly, from innocent children into beings who embodied powerful forces—yet lacked the wisdom that only age and experience can provide.
The Timeless Struggles of Parenting Teens
And so, it continues today. You worry about your teen. You think that the world has changed so much that there is no way your teen will survive without your guidance. You hook their phones up to GPS systems, hoping that they will never be out of your sight. You read their diaries, try to decipher their texting codes, and even eavesdrop when their friends are over, hoping to gain insight into any typical teenage thoughtlessness.
The truth, however, is that today’s teens—while faced with different situations—are more similar to you than you might think. In fact, teen culture, which is all about secrets, lies, adolescence, and self-discovery, hasn’t changed much at all. Sure, your teen might be posting on Facebook, while you passed notes in class. But aside from technology, the dangers, the trials, and the tribulations remain the same.
As a parent, you need to remember that we were all teenagers once. Hopefully, today you think of yourself as a well-adjusted, responsible adult. But ask yourself: when you took your first drag of a cigarette, did your parents know? How old were you? When you had your first drink at a party, did you rush home to tell your mom and dad? When you experimented with sex, failed a test, snuck out with your friends to toilet paper a classmate’s house—did you tell your parents? When you and your best friend cheated on your mid-term exam, did your parents catch you red-handed? And what about sex? How old were you, and how did you accumulate sexual experiences? Did you share these with your parents?
In order for parents to help their teens navigate this frantic, hormonally charged time in life, all they need to do is reflect on their own teenage years. Teens do some pretty stupid things. But these mistakes are simply part of growing up. They must experiment and experience life to figure out what they want—and don’t want—in life. They need to go through these phases to determine which paths are right for them. This process of self-discovery is often painful, sometimes ridiculous, and usually filled with lies and secrets that teens keep from their parents. This is how they begin to exercise the autonomy that will eventually help them grow into responsible adults.
While parents shouldn’t indulge this independence or take a backseat to their teen’s development, they should approach the situation with sensitivity and compassion—remembering their own teenage experiences.
It’s natural to not want your teen to make the same mistakes or bad choices you made. However, making mistakes is a normal part of growing up. As a parent, it’s your job to stay informed, as best as possible, and to make sure your teen understands that certain actions won’t be beneficial in the long term. You need to catch them in the act sometimes and bring life lessons to the forefront, so that, eventually, they can make informed, rational decisions on their own.
However, if you think your child is the perfect teen, someone who never made the mistakes you did—you should consider the possibility that the same culture of secrets and lies might be playing out in your home. Think back—aren’t there things you did (and got away with) that your parents never found out about?
Your teen is trying to develop their independence. They are asserting that they have a private life and that they are individuals. As a parent, it is your responsibility to allow them to have this privacy. This doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye and assume your child is incapable of wrongdoing. Rather, recognize that they will explore life’s waters whether you try to stop them or not. No matter how hard you work to instill values, morals, and guidance, your teen will still do things that you disapprove of—and things you don’t know about. Hopefully, just like you, they will learn to act responsibly, be an individual without being ignorant, and trust that their parents love and respect them enough to be there, no matter what mistakes they make.
Face it! If you’re worried about your teen, it’s probably because you’re reliving your own teenage years. You’re remembering the dangerous and stupid things you did when you didn’t think your parents were looking. You think you know better and can prevent your child from making the same mistakes. But didn’t your parents warn you? Didn’t they raise you with integrity? Didn’t they try their best to guide you in the right direction? And yet, didn’t you stray from the path a time or two to indulge in teen culture?
If anything, with all the tools available to parents today to monitor their children’s actions, it’s easier to keep tabs on your teen than it was when you were a kid. Imagine if your parents had GPS tracking or could view your report card online. Maybe you should be glad you grew up when you did, and feel a little sorry for the fact that your teen is growing up in such a watchful world.
