Married people are definitely a force to be reckoned with. When it comes to infidelity, husbands and wives often have increasingly broad definitions of what constitutes cheating.
Some more liberal spouses may not be upset by their partner’s occasional wandering eye or flirtatious advances toward members of the opposite sex. After all, as humans, it’s difficult to ignore or deny that we experience sexual attraction to different people along the way. As long as we don’t act on these feelings, no harm is done, right? For many, however, that is not the case.
Unfortunately, for some, cheating is any form of attention directed toward a member of the opposite sex. Some spouses are overly jealous and easily plagued by insecurity when their partner’s gaze strays even slightly. The reality is that it’s absolutely possible to love our spouse, remain faithful, and yet still experience attraction, flirtation, or urges toward other people. Just because we get married doesn’t mean we stop being human. Similarly, just because we look at or engage in a bit of adult conversation with someone else doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be married. There is a happy medium. Sometimes, a little friendly competition or flirtation can even spice things up in our own beds.
I recall a few years ago sitting on the beach with my husband. We were joking around, rating women in bikinis as they walked by (definitely not the best behavior). Just a few months after childbirth, I was feeling far from “perfect,” and this banter could have easily made me insecure. But it didn’t. I realized, first and foremost, that men are going to look – heck, most women look at other women too. Women are just attractive beings. Secondly, just because we pointed out who had the best boobs or the best behind didn’t mean my husband was going to leave me for any of them. You might be thinking, “Yeah, right!” But my husband and I have a wild and uninhibited sex life that includes our individual fantasies, and for me, cheating would be about much more than sexual attraction (at least for most of us). The point is, in a marriage, it’s much more important to stay focused on your own sex life rather than worry about what your spouse might be thinking regarding sex with someone else. We’ve all heard the expression, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Well, here’s the case in point: Just make sure the milk isn’t sour!
Looking Should Not Constitute Cheating
Physical infidelity is often preceded by emotional infidelity. Again, just because our spouse forms a relationship with someone of the opposite sex doesn’t automatically mean they are cheating. If we point fingers, accuse, and constantly harass them, they might adopt the attitude that, if they’re going to be blamed anyway, they might as well act on it. There’s even a chance that, although they enjoy the attention from someone of the opposite sex, actual cheating hasn’t crossed their mind yet. However, emotional infidelity can certainly lead to physical cheating, and it should be recognized as a warning sign. Of course, there are also individuals who simply cannot remain faithful, and that is part of their personality.
So if looking and emotionally confiding in someone isn’t what constitutes cheating, then what does, besides the obvious? That is a question only individual couples can answer. For some, looking, talking, or spending time with someone else is cheating. For others, it may just be about sexual encounters. The bottom line is that if you are with someone who is already cheating—or you are considering cheating—the crime has already been committed. What makes cheating so hurtful is that it’s sneaky, manipulative, and dishonest, ultimately eroding trust. Few of us would openly give or ask for permission to cheat because we know it’s wrong. However, some married couples have been able to blissfully share their mates. Whatever works for each couple, works! No judgment should be cast.
What constitutes cheating in a marriage is simply any breach of the mutual agreement that the couple has made with one another. Cheating is a lot like lying—it’s something most people try to hide, and it usually involves a great deal of guilt. If your husband or wife can spend time with someone else and not hide it, chances are they’re not violating your agreement on what’s acceptable in your marriage. At some point in the relationship, it’s important to have a discussion about the parameters of what constitutes cheating. No husband or wife wants to come home after drinks with coworkers and be accused of cheating. Being clear about what you expect, want, and won’t tolerate from the very beginning can help both people stay on the same page.
What constitutes cheating for one couple may mean nothing to another. It could be that we each have different levels of commitment or hold different ideals about the institution of marriage. Having been married for a long time, I can say for sure that sometimes we’ve developed a warped definition of what marriage is supposed to be. Married people shouldn’t feel trapped or deprived of anything just because they’re married. This doesn’t mean they should have free rein to have sex or spend time with anyone they choose, but common sense (based on mutual respect) should prevail. We all look, whether or not we touch is an entirely different matter. We also all think about being intimate with other people—that’s a natural part of being human. Acting on that urge is a different story altogether. Forcing anyone to deny these basic human instincts only sets the stage for dishonesty and various forms of infidelity.
In my mind, marriage should be much more fun than it often becomes. This doesn’t mean jumping into bed with someone else to meet your needs. It does mean sharing our unique human experiences and laughing about them. To me, every woman should sit on a beach and look at half-naked women with her husband. It was surprising and eye-opening to see what my husband actually found attractive—it was completely different from what I’d expected. Plus, when we got home that afternoon, we felt incredibly connected, giggly, and passionate toward one another. Marriage is about many things. Cheating may be one of them, but having fun together should always come first. If that’s the case, you may never find yourself questioning what constitutes cheating.
