If anyone has ever said to you, “What did YOU do all day?” you probably weren’t sure how to respond—or even if you should. Those five little words somehow insinuate that whatever it was you did do, just wasn’t enough.
For instance, if your husband walks in at 6:15 p.m. and sees all the couch cushions intricately designed into a fort on the living room floor, dishes in the sink, the absence of dinner, and five loads of clean laundry scattered about the dining room, “What did you do all day?” translates to:
“Holy crap! While I was out working hard to earn money, you were home goofing off, messing up the house in the meantime, and didn’t even bother to fix something for dinner!”
Essentially, it suggests that he did more than you did. Funny thing is, when you’re too tired for sex later (from doing “nothing” all day), he’ll be even more baffled.
Such is the life of many stay-at-home moms (and dads). Note that I didn’t say all stay-at-home moms. The truth is, there are plenty of dads who openly admit they couldn’t stay home with the kids. And if they did, they certainly wouldn’t be able to handle the multitude of behind-the-scenes chores and duties that go along with wiping other people’s butts all day.
Today, many stay-at-home dads run daddy day care with the finesse of a—well… mom! There are lots more brave men who now realize just how hard it is to deal with people under four feet tall all day (and night), every day (and night), and wouldn’t dare question what you’ve done all day. Because honestly, the fact that you accomplish anything at all is sometimes a miracle in itself.
It’s Not a Day Off—It’s a Different Kind of Work
What often exists in homes with a stay-at-home parent is a lack of understanding—or perhaps appreciation—for what the other spouse actually does. Married with Children, and tons of other sitcoms, have pretty much demoralized the role of a stay-at-home parent, portraying the day as filled with nothing but silliness, laughter, hugs, and plenty of free time to watch soap operas and shop.
From the outside looking in, splashing around in a pool all day with toddlers might seem easier than board meetings and deadlines, right? And who cares if you don’t have time to shower—no one’s going to see you anyway. What could be more fun than sleeping in and spending every moment with the children you love and adore beyond words?
(In case you haven’t figured it out, those last few statements are sarcasm in full bloom.)
The truth is, if you’re a stay-at-home spouse and your partner works outside the home, they likely have no clue what you do all day. In fact, many of us who stay home to care for our families had no idea what it would actually entail until we did it ourselves. Many moms and dads who stay home lose themselves in the process—and rediscovering their identity is not always easy.
While stay-at-home parents accomplish countless big and small tasks from the moment their feet hit the floor, most of those tasks aren’t seen as exemplary, notable, worthy—or even visible. In fact, clean clothes, a stocked pantry, a tidy(ish) home, happy children, paid bills, and the ever-crucial supply of toilet paper often go unnoticed… until they’re not done.
If you’ve ever been asked, “What did you do ALL day?” the best response might be to offer a trade: switch places for a few days. Rather than get your feathers ruffled or feel like you need to prove yourself, show them—literally—what your day looks like. You can bet that the “work outside the home” parent will start appreciating your role within a day or two.
Suddenly, that quiet desk job, lunch hours with colleagues (rather than toddlers), and—most importantly—the paycheck will start to feel like luxuries.
Raising a family and deciding what you want for your children requires compromise. Both parents—whether working inside or outside the home—are sacrificing something. Neither one gives up more, and neither should be glorified as the “better” parent. It’s a lifestyle choice you both must agree on, even if it takes time to understand each other’s role.
And sure, sometimes you’ll do 100 more things a day in and around the home than your spouse does outside of it. For one, you’re the one present. And two, this is your job. Even though your job doesn’t include paid time off, lunch breaks, or expense accounts, your children receive countless benefits. And as for your spouse—have them walk a mile in your shoes, and they just might start to truly appreciate you.
Bottom line: understanding is essential.
So next time someone asks you what in the world you did all day, tell them—every single, tiny, exhausting, unacknowledged detail. Then remind them that you did it all without a paycheck, a raise, a pat on the back, or even the luxury of wondering if it was worth it.
Chances are, that conversation won’t come up again anytime soon.
