Look, Viagra and other medications were not invented without reason. Contrary to the popular and quite sexist (no pun intended) belief that it is always women who shun sex and roll over pretending to be asleep, the culprit behind a lack of sex is often men. While men may have the reputation of being macho sex machines who are always in the mood, ask a million couples worldwide, and you will likely get a different take on the story. Today, it is often men who lose interest in sex, leaving their wives wondering what happened to their husbands’ sex drives.
Strangely, when men are not interested in sex, people become tight-lipped. Women often interpret this lack of interest as a blow to their self-esteem or a sign of infidelity, and they rarely discuss it to avoid embarrassing their husbands. For men, being able to maintain an erection and have a regular sex life are vital sources of confidence that support the male ego. When something in this area—whether it’s lack of ability or lack of desire—goes wrong, the couple often suffers silently and alone.
Understanding the Root Causes
Luckily, Dr. Bob Berkowitz wrote a book on the problem. In He’s Just Not Up For It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, he studied over 4,000 men who were able to have sex but had simply lost interest. Initially, most of those interviewed blamed their lack of interest on their wives being “in-adventurous” in the bedroom, suggesting that sex had become routine and boring. However, upon further probing, there was almost always an underlying issue that seemed to be the root source of the problem. Many men were depressed, unhappy at their jobs, or experiencing low self-confidence. Some were angry with their wives for unrelated issues, and others who felt their marriage was overly negative had simply lost their desire for intimacy.
Dr. Berkowitz, a specialist in sexual disorders, also notes that the excuse of having an “in-adventurous” wife is often a cover for the fact that a man doesn’t feel capable of satisfying his partner or isn’t willing to be unselfish in the bedroom to rekindle his spouse’s interest. He emphasizes that sex is just as much an emotional experience for men as it is for women. Essentially, a faked orgasm every now and then may boost the male ego and jumpstart libido. While it may not feel “manly” for a man to admit he needs admiration from his partner, the truth is that he does.
While it often appears that women corner the market on lack of desire, research shows this is simply not the case. If men suffer from erectile problems or a lack of desire, they often don’t know how to open up and discuss it. Since puberty, men have been programmed to take pride in their sexual prowess. Facing a stage in life when they just aren’t interested doesn’t fit neatly into that narrative. Understandably, many men believe that sex isn’t something that should be talked about—it should just happen. Meanwhile, women often perceive a lack of desire as a devastating blow to their self-esteem, making it difficult for them to explore the underlying issues that could lead to sexual health and reconnection.
In other words, it isn’t YOU! While women equate sexual intimacy with love, men do not, and the reasons for this may be all of the above or something entirely different.
Plus, it has been proven that as relationships progress, different brain chemicals are released in relation to sexuality and sex drive. The longer two people are together, the less of the “passionate and crazy” hormones are released, leading to a balance of sex drive with other emotions in life. This doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of desire but rather a plateau of sexual energy.
Of course, many changes in a relationship, such as the addition of children or stress, can impact sexuality for both men and women. If both partners are working and running around all the time, chances are their sex life dwindles due to a simple lack of energy and time. While this can be hurtful, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is in grave danger. If you’ve recently had a baby or a few children and are not using adequate birth control, his lack of desire could stem from a fear of getting you pregnant. In fact, Dr. Berkowitz found that many husbands are terrified their wives will “trick” them into having more children when they do not desire any additional.
Another factor is that around the age of 40, men experience something called andropause. This change in life, similar to female menopause, can significantly diminish sexual desire due to plummeting testosterone levels.
The confusing part is that there is a wealth of advice available that tells you to purchase sexy lingerie, be adventurous, and follow tips to reignite passion in your relationship. Much of this advice seems to place the blame on you, the female, for the lack of interest. The truth is, it likely isn’t your fault. While it is normal to suspect infidelity (which could be an issue), this is often not the case. Instead, try initiating a conversation about sex to see if you can uncover what is really going on with your husband. You may find that job stress or an underlying issue between the two of you is the real problem.
The good news is that Dr. Berkowitz found that in most happy couples experiencing a male lack of desire, the end result is not divorce. In other words, time can help heal the problem and perhaps reveal the real reasons for the issues in the first place. It is important for both partners to realize that sexual intimacy and desire will naturally ebb and flow like the tide.
