One of the biggest things people take for granted before having children is sleep. When you become pregnant for the first time, every parent who crosses your path half-jokingly warns you to “sleep while you can.” You smile politely and nod, agreeing that you’ll try, but inside, you feel no need to take their advice. Once the baby arrives, you wish you could turn back time and hibernate like a grizzly bear, because sweet slumber quickly becomes nothing more than a distant memory. But sleep isn’t the only thing couples take for granted before having kids. Sex can also disappear from your life, albeit temporarily, once you’re officially a parent.
Lack of sex isn’t usually a problem for couples who are trying to conceive. Unless a woman is so strict about tracking her cycle that she’ll only “try” during her peak ovulation days, couples typically engage as often as possible to get pregnant. However, once you discover you’re expecting, the frequency of sex can take a significant downturn. Many husbands are afraid of hurting their wives in their newly fragile state, while pregnant women often feel unwell and exhausted during the first trimester.
Sex After a Baby: Navigating New Realities
During the second trimester, when Mom is feeling better and Dad is used to his wife being pregnant, the frequency of sex may increase. The third trimester, however, is similar to the first, with Moms feeling fatigued again, and Dads concerned that sex might hurt their wives or even induce early labor.
Once the baby arrives, most doctors recommend that women wait six weeks for their bodies to heal before resuming sexual activity. Many women are grateful for this mandate, as they need that time to acclimate to their new role as Mom and to begin feeling physically normal again. Psychologically, it can be incredibly difficult for a new mom to switch from “Mother” to “lover” and back again, making intimacy feel strange. New dads can take this personally, feeling a little jealous and resentful towards the new baby who has replaced him as the object of his wife’s affection.
As the baby gets older and life regains some semblance of normalcy, the frequency of sex may increase but may never return to what it was before parenthood. Kids are unpredictable, and just when things start to heat up between a husband and wife, little Susie wakes up with a stomach virus. Kids are also exhausting, and at the end of the day, Mom—and sometimes Dad—can be too tired to get amorous. Children are wonderful, but they aren’t conducive to physical closeness between their parents.
Once the kids start going to school, they learn a lot of misinformation from classmates and begin to ask Mom and Dad a lot of questions. It’s always good practice to let your child know when something they heard is incorrect, without providing more information than their young minds can handle. Regardless, your child will probably suspect that there is something special that their parents do together, forcing you to become more discreet and less openly affectionate. This only becomes more complicated when the kids are tweens and teens and have a pretty accurate idea of how things work.
Another obstacle to maintaining a normal sex life when there are kids in the house is geography. In co-sleeping situations, where children sleep in the same bed or room as their parents, creativity is a must. Fortunately, most homes have more than one bedroom, which is an obvious solution to the problem of where to be intimate. But why settle for boring? Any room of the house can become a more adventurous escape, including closets, bathrooms, or even staircases. Just make sure the blinds are closed so you don’t give the neighbors a free show.
Sometimes a woman’s sex drive can be hindered by her post-baby body image. Her husband may find her to be the most attractive woman on the planet, but if she feels overweight, covered in stretch marks, or has a sagging, amorphous shape, she won’t be in the mood. If you used to fool around surrounded by the soft glow of candles, try doing it in the pitch darkness for a while. Sometimes, knowing that her body, with all its perceived flaws, can’t be seen, allows Mom to relax a little and enjoy intimacy again.
Breastfeeding can also make a new mom feel somewhat unattractive. When a baby is very young, her breasts are often engorged, leaking, sore, or sagging—and sometimes, they are all of the above. This can make it difficult for Mom to allow her husband to touch or even look at her breasts, which may have been a central part of their intimacy before. This situation is usually temporary, and once a woman gets used to, and becomes an expert at nursing, she feels much more comfortable sharing her breasts with her husband.
Things take time to return to normal once a new person enters the family. Be patient.
Strive to remedy the various situations described above. Sex is such an important part of marriage, as it serves to deepen the bond between a man and his wife. It’s worth working on maintaining a healthy sex life, regardless of whether a couple has children. Keep communication open, and remind each other often that although sex may not be as frequent or as passionate as it once was, you still love each other dearly and yearn for more time together. Before you know it, the children will be grown, and the nest will be empty. This will be the time to rediscover one another in an intimate way. Who knows? Maybe all those years with kids in the house will give you a new appreciation for each other, and make you realize how much you’ve missed time alone together. Perhaps your sex life will be better than ever, even more fulfilling than it would have been if you had never become parents. So enjoy!
